I Lie About How I Feel

Hi all,

I'm an ultra-rapid cycler and I lie about how I feel. During a manic phase three months ago I sold all my belongings and moved from Ohio to Turin, Italy.

When I call home my friends and family ask about Italy and all the exciting things I must be doing. They think I am on a great vacation. I go along with them and say things are wonderful; Italy is beautiful. In truth I still cycle. There are depressed days and manic days. I lie awake at night sometimes thinking what a catastrophic decision I have made. I feel like they don't understand what it is like for me so I have stopped trying to explain it to them.

Has anyone else stopped trying to make people understand how you feel, what it is like for you? Do you lie?

I really don't have people in my life to lie too... What made you do that, work? How is it? Travelling is so fascinating to me I cannot wait to travel once the kids are grown

It depends on the person.

me too, gym

no point in me trying to express myself anymore.. no one cares and would rather shut me out- but that's fine i'm used to it

I, too, would like to know why you chose to move. I know how you feel. My ex became like this when we were together. She just stopped caring and stopped trying to tell anyone how she felt, and I didn't understand... Losing her made me understand, because I am the same way. I am so tired of "it will get better, there are more fish in the sea, you'll love again", and on and on and on. So yes, I have become disconnected with the world. I feel like no one understands me, and something that has helped me personally is I play portable video games in my spare time. Which probably disconnects me even more with reality, but at this point in my life that isn't a bad thing... I hope it gets better for you.

I minimize how I feel because I don't want my family to worry, or to change their plans for me. I feel incredibly guilty because last year I was very sick during the winter and my father had to come home from Florida (his retirement dream) for the winter and help me with the kids. My mother worries too much and I want her to rest easy, so when I feel bad, I try to hide it. Problem is they are getting to know my "tells" so it is harder to hide. I also try to hide it from myself because I don't want to face it when I am getting ill again.

To answer your questions, I moved because I was manic and my thinking was not clear. I got it in my head that the only thing wrong with me was that i needed a fresh start. that i needed to be any other place than where i was. I have wonderful friends here and i needed them. The pharmacies didnt sell some of my meds. I didnt know how to dial 911 (Here it is different numbers for the different emergency services) . I dont know where the hospitals are, I have no psychiatrist so I can't buy meds at the italian pharmacy. My sister, thank god, mailed some to me. I am still exposed because i do not speak Italiian and cannot ask for help if i need it. I now have an english speaking psychologist and psychiatrist but my cocktail has to change because not all the meds are available here. Manic thinking got me here.

For me it also depends on the person, but also I often don't share how I feel because I have learned from experience that most people actually don't want to know. Most people want the glossed over version and not the full on truth.

I dont have to lie my moods are super obvious my family often looks at me like im crazy or leaves me alone cause Im moping around or havent changed clothes in days. But I do lie I tell them things are fine when they arent.

You must have been severely manic to move to a country whose language you do not speak. Are you learning some Italian now to help the situation?

While some meds might not be available, there are others that are not available in the US. They have some very good meds that have not gone through FDA approval. Many more AP options, for instance.

I know you feel crap & thinking wtf did you get yourself into, but for the sake of your sanity, could you TRY to embrace Italy? The language, culture?JUST until you get a plan together to go home. Yes it was a manic decision, maybe not such a bright decision, but it doesnt have to be a bad 1. Grab the chance to have an awesome experience. In answer to your question: I dont tell ppl the truth anymore. I cant stand baring my soul to ppl who have no idea of what they're even looking at... its too hurful

Oh, I have a question:How ultra rapid do you cycle? Must have taken some time to orchestrate and execute such a huge move... Did you change your mind before moving, but move anyway, or was the episode longer than usual? sorry, thats more than 1 question. Sending you s and positive vibes, all the way from Cape Town

usually when i cycle I go through normal, hypoomanic, manic then depressed in a day. i went off my meds and was manic for a month or so i would guess, i dont really know. from making the decision and leaving - two weeks went by.

That fast is manic. I made a suicide attempt like that - less than an hour between conceiving of it and the execution.

I have fantasies of going to Disney World on a whim. What keeps me from doing it is money. And nobody to share it with.

I have made a few manic decisions in my life, for example I opened and closed a yoga studio in the space of 6 months. I have taken and left jobs within two weeks, bought a house just because it was a good deal and of course, left my husband at the time and we got back together and sold the house. It's hard when you're in it to make the right decision because the next adventure seems so great! I like Trippin's idea of embracing Italy for a while. Then when you look back on it later in life you will see a good experience. I hope things work out for you.

I agree. You owe it to yourself to get into an intensive language course and practice, practice, practice!

Well, I am definitely here for a while. I found an English speaking psychologist and he is in practice with an English speaking psychiatrist. Now I am looking for a tutor for Italian.

What i was trying to say in my original post is that I lie about how i feel because I do not think people understand when I tell them what I am going through. ,They don't relate. For example, if I call my sister and I am manic, I can hear her concern in her voice but if I try to explain mania to her there is just dead air. She has nothing to say. So, now I just say things are great.

I say I am okay when I am not to most people, except with my boyfriend and my kids' Dad, who remain very close to. Mostly though, I just withdraw and avoid people- I feel like I am protecting them from me and my poison. I also tend to minimize, rather than actually outright lying in a lot of cases.

Great job finding helpful resources!

How are you doing opening up to your English-speaking support team?

I always lie about how I feel. ALWAYS!! Even to people that would understand! Ha!

I mean... how much can a person really dump on others till' they're alone anyways? I look at it like, "I'm okay as long as I can keep it inside and deal with it. As soon as I start letting it out then I will break... so best keep it in where I have control over it!" or some crap like that! lol