[katgalaxy8606]

Hi everyone, sorry, I just need to get all of this out...I have been doing "eh" for months and months, but lately, the past couple of weeks, I've kind of felt like I'm "cracking" a bit, like my emotions are extra sensitive, that I'm more angry than usual, want to isolate more than usual, have depressed (and sometimes passive suicidal) thoughts, just feeling pretty hopeless.

I fell into a deep depression last November and had to quit my job at the time. I had to drop out of a school program (for numerous reasons) in February. Things were really rough from November of last year to this past March. In March I got a new job and things got a little better, I at least felt better than I did in the past months. I think I sometimes get a high from starting something new. My anger was still there a lot of the time though.

Since about April, my husband's boss cut every employee's overtime, which was really helping us out for the past 3 years that he has been working full time there. So we are losing out on hundreds upon hundreds of dollars that we had before, plus I have to start paying my school loans this month. Even though I have a job, it's a 30 hour a week job, and I am getting paid next to nothing because I have an unsteady work history and have just never been able to climb high enough. More honestly, I guess, I can't handle much, and don't go for anything that would pay me a lot because I couldn't handle it. I have a job as a recruiter so it's not stress-free work. I've taken what I've been given in life but it's been hard to look up nonetheless. I have no health insurance, so I pay out of pocket for all the health problems I have. This often takes a toll on my income and it just seems like I don't have any money...ever. My husband has been on edge about it for months and I am starting to really see the effects of it on me now too...we are trying to stay together in this every day but sometimes we do fight about all of this.

My husband is thinking of making a new career decision, and I won't reveal that until the time comes, but it's simultaneously giving me hope and fear. I'm to the point now where I feel like nothing is going to bring me happiness, that I am just an unhappy, miserable person chasing something that's not there, that I can't just be happy with what I have. I'm angry at most people; I live and grew up in a town where money comes easy and when you don't have a ton of money or a glamorous job people look down on you. I'm just so frustrated with all the jerks I come into contact with and the anxiety I have at work and in public.

If I could say in a nutshell why I am feeling so bad it would be: the finance issues, the negativity I feel that I experience (my fault or not) from most people I come into contact with including family. I feel misunderstood, hopeless about my future, and just bad about myself, because I pretty much think I am worthless. I am also hopeless because I have been trying to get my head at least partially straight for the last 12 years and a lot of the time things get worse rather than better. I have very unstable Bipolar 1, and I have been in the hospital 3 times...I haven't been in for 3 years but sometimes I feel that it is close. I just don't want to try anymore sometimes, I feel like I'm a loser and I'm so hard to make happy and that even though I go to therapy and seek support and try to better myself physically and mentally and take medication, even through all of that I end up feeling this way every few months.

Sorry to vent but I have to work today and I had to get something out. I woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling panicked; that I had to go to work, that I had to even do anything today. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being extremely depressed/suicidal and 10 being fantastic, I am probably at a 2-3. It's hard to play happy when you feel like that and I just want to freaking relax and somehow enjoy this life that I am a ghost in for once.

Thanks for listening.

KAT

Originally Posted by katgalaxy8606

Hi everyone, sorry, I just need to get all of this out...I have been doing "eh" for months and months, but lately, the past couple of weeks, I've kind of felt like I'm "cracking" a bit, like my emotions are extra sensitive, that I'm more angry than usual, want to isolate more than usual, have depressed (and sometimes passive suicidal) thoughts, just feeling pretty hopeless.

I fell into a deep depression last November and had to quit my job at the time. I had to drop out of a school program (for numerous reasons) in February. Things were really rough from November of last year to this past March. In March I got a new job and things got a little better, I at least felt better than I did in the past months. I think I sometimes get a high from starting something new. My anger was still there a lot of the time though.

Since about April, my husband's boss cut every employee's overtime, which was really helping us out for the past 3 years that he has been working full time there. So we are losing out on hundreds upon hundreds of dollars that we had before, plus I have to start paying my school loans this month. Even though I have a job, it's a 30 hour a week job, and I am getting paid next to nothing because I have an unsteady work history and have just never been able to climb high enough. More honestly, I guess, I can't handle much, and don't go for anything that would pay me a lot because I couldn't handle it. I have a job as a recruiter so it's not stress-free work. I've taken what I've been given in life but it's been hard to look up nonetheless. I have no health insurance, so I pay out of pocket for all the health problems I have. This often takes a toll on my income and it just seems like I don't have any money...ever. My husband has been on edge about it for months and I am starting to really see the effects of it on me now too...we are trying to stay together in this every day but sometimes we do fight about all of this.

My husband is thinking of making a new career decision, and I won't reveal that until the time comes, but it's simultaneously giving me hope and fear. I'm to the point now where I feel like nothing is going to bring me happiness, that I am just an unhappy, miserable person chasing something that's not there, that I can't just be happy with what I have. I'm angry at most people; I live and grew up in a town where money comes easy and when you don't have a ton of money or a glamorous job people look down on you. I'm just so frustrated with all the jerks I come into contact with and the anxiety I have at work and in public.

If I could say in a nutshell why I am feeling so bad it would be: the finance issues, the negativity I feel that I experience (my fault or not) from most people I come into contact with including family. I feel misunderstood, hopeless about my future, and just bad about myself, because I pretty much think I am worthless. I am also hopeless because I have been trying to get my head at least partially straight for the last 12 years and a lot of the time things get worse rather than better. I have very unstable Bipolar 1, and I have been in the hospital 3 times...I haven't been in for 3 years but sometimes I feel that it is close. I just don't want to try anymore sometimes, I feel like I'm a loser and I'm so hard to make happy and that even though I go to therapy and seek support and try to better myself physically and mentally and take medication, even through all of that I end up feeling this way every few months.

Sorry to vent but I have to work today and I had to get something out. I woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling panicked; that I had to go to work, that I had to even do anything today. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being extremely depressed/suicidal and 10 being fantastic, I am probably at a 2-3. It's hard to play happy when you feel like that and I just want to freaking relax and somehow enjoy this life that I am a ghost in for once.

Thanks for listening.

KAT

i know how you feel cat.

not really doing that well either

i understand how it gets to keep going round in circkles.. and back to feeling this way

hugs

[katgalaxy8606]

Thanks. Sometimes it's just nice to talk about it. I went to the doctor yesterday and I was told if I want to feel better I need to keep my stressors down. Easy for her to say ha!

[OutlawedSpirit]

You know, one thing that might help is calling your student loan provider and seeing if you can defer your loans for a while longer. Even if you don't qualify for a deferment, it is really easy to get a forbearance. With a forbearance, interest still is added on, but you can pay that without paying on the actual loan, or you don't have to pay it at all while your loan is in forbearance. That could help ease some of the financial strain your feeling. I wish I could give you some advice for your other issues, but sometimes even the simplest thing can give you the candle to light the darkness. Otherwise, you could explain your situation to your loan provider and see if you can adjust how much you pay on your loan. I have found a lot that if you just explain your situation, i.e. the loss of overtime they are very willing to work with you if you are willing to work with them. Too many loan providers are having issues with people not paying their loans at all. I hope this helps some.