[BatsAndButterflies]

For a while I have wondered about the possibility that I might have a mood disorder. I tried to just shrug it off. I'm a Music Therapy student who loves psychology especially abnormal psych and I figured that I may just be psyching myself out. (No pun intended) I had all of the symptoms. My grandpa is bipolar and my mom has a lot of symptoms as well. When I am feeling up, I just try to ignore the fact that I get unusually productive, hyper, anxious, easily agitated, creative, outgoing, impulsive, and have horrible insomnia. These times are great for the most part. When I'm feeling low, it is another story completely. I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything at all. I doubt any talents that others say I have and feel like I have no friends.

My man friend has been pushing me and pushing me to get this checked out. Over the summer I saw a therapist who suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I finally did it last Thursday. I went in and told him what is going on. He basically told me that I'm a textbook example of someone on the bipolar spectrum. I wasn't really surprised, but at the same time this was a big deal. Am I crazy? Is this going to have an effect on my future career as a Music Therapist when I want to work in behavioral health? My brain has been filled with questions and worries. I didn't know if I should tell anyone besides my parents and man friend, but then I thought of something. New like this wouldn't always seem so taboo if people were just more open about it. If we want the stigma to disappear for people dealing with this sort of thing, then we have to show the world that we're not what to media portrays us to be.

My psychiatrist gave me medicine and told me how to reschedule the medicines I'm already taking to work better for me. I will still have mood swings on the medicine, but they will be much less severe. I was sort of scared that these things would change me, but I still feel like myself. My man friend bought me a book called "Finding Your Bipolar Muse" by Lana R. Castle. It's amazing. It addresses the concern that bipolar medications might take away your creativity and teaches you to deal with being bipolar as well as finding your muse no matter what. I thought it was sort of funny that everyone mentioned in the book has something like "John Smith: musician, artist, writer, actor...etc." This book also discusses the research done about the connection between "crazy" and creativity. When I read this I'm just constantly thinking "I TOTALLY FEEL THAT WAY!!!" I myself sing and play a ton of instruments, compose, do hip-hop dance, draw, make artsy things, love to act, and occasionally write. I don't feel so weird anymore. This book actually makes me feel sort of awesome.

I hope people that read this will be more understanding of those that have this disorder and other mental health issues. I hope that the stigma will one day be gone and people will not be ashamed of who they are.

I'm Caitlin. I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes I get sad and need hugs, but I'm usually really funny and fun to be around. I love to create and drown myself in the arts. If you don't like me for who I am, then that's your problem. I love being me.

[venusss]

I wasn't really surprised, but at the same time this was a big deal. Am I crazy?

well, gurrrrl, only you can answer the question. Do you feel crazy? Do you feel uncomfortably out there? Do you feel impacted by your crazy?

And is crazy a bad thing?

See my signature. As somebody who does truly feel crazy, I can tell sometimes a look around on the world... one gets to think "wait... *I* am the crazy one?".

But as I said. Only you can really decide how you feel and if it's bad. Not your consellors or doctors, not the "decent normal people". Some label doesn't change it.

(I personally don't mind the "crazy" label. It sounds less pretentious then some medical lingo and it fits better the way I feel. But you create your own language and narrative).

Is this going to have an effect on my future career as a Music Therapist when I want to work in behavioral health?

only if you let it.

I didn't know if I should tell anyone besides my parents and man friend, but then I thought of something. New like this wouldn't always seem so taboo if people were just more open about it. If we want the stigma to disappear for people dealing with this sort of thing, then we have to show the world that we're not what to media portrays us to be.

I never liked the advocacy movement though, because it replaces one BS with another.

And it really depends on if you are able to handle what comes with being open. I don't think it's your duty to go trumpheting your diagnosis into the world, or being spokesperson of a sort.

Also, I really recommend you check this site http://theicarusproject.net/, especially the "Navigating the space between briliance and madness" e-book. Don't be put off by the anarchist undertones... it makes lot of sense and it's a great alternative to what the mainstream thinkers tell you. Because us people with artsy leanings... were never normal to begin with

Originally Posted by BatsAndButterflies

... My brain has been filled with questions and worries. I didn't know if I should tell anyone besides my parents and man friend, but then I thought of something. New like this wouldn't always seem so taboo if people were just more open about it. If we want the stigma to disappear for people dealing with this sort of thing, then we have to show the world that we're not what to media portrays us to be...
I hope that the stigma will one day be gone and people will not be ashamed of who they are...

Welcome, Caitlin!
From a fellow creative, I'll tell you that I'm not ashamed of it, and glad to hear you aren't either.
Of the little wisdom I can offer...I totally understand and even tend to agree that if more people "came out" so to speak, it might help lessen stigma. HOWEVER. It would be wise to sit with this for quite some time before putting it out there. It can be a strong impulse when newly dx'd, but time will give you a chance to let you really sort your thoughts and to hear others' experiences so that you may better weigh the pros and cons. Because it's not just pros. It's important enough that it deserves significant contemplation. Because it's one of those things that can't be undone. Anything of an un-doable nature should receive its due reflection, yes?

I'm not saying it shouldn't be done. Just that it's something that should really be given significant time and thought. And part of that is to consider extent and circumstances in which it is beneficial for your particular life situation. Many find --within one person this is -- their answer to be various degrees of disclosure. Who needs to know? Who is trustworthy to not gossip or otherwise use it badly towards you? What is a given person's attitude in general towards such things? Sometimes we can make an accurate assessment of that, and sometimes... not so much. People can surprise you. In both directions. Anyway, these are just a small sampling of things to think about. Everyone is different. Everyone has a different combination of factors that play into their decision.
As bipolars, we have a strong tendency to make some pretty big decisions without thinking much past what seems like a really great idea at the time. Hell, notoriously so. (I've known this, try to watch out for it, and yet continue to do it over and over again(!) Can't even tell you how many times I've said, "WTH was I thinking??!!")
So, anyway, blah blah blah, welcome and hope you find some of this useful.

[BlueInanna]

hey Bats, nice to see you! glad you got things figured out with the doctor, you sound relieved to have more answers.

my advice is to take some time to think about who you want to tell about it. you're very new with the dx, take some time to get to know it. most of us have some mania sometimes and do things we wouldn't otherwise do. not all, but most. there is some danger to mania, and some of what is portrayed in the media is true.

glad you're here hun, well not that you have bp, but you know what i mean