[Rennerenner]

So, I first started seeing a pdoc / therapist this past July for the first time in my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew I had a problem. I was first diagnosed "mood disorder nos," then cyclothymia, and most recently it was officially changed to bipolar II. It's been kind of a crazy journey. I've been medicated for about a month and a half, and am finally starting to feel good. Like really good compared to how I was before seeking treatment.

The thing is, I was going to a free health clinic in my city because I didn't want to tell my parents about my problems. (I'm in college right now, but I'm still living at home as it's cheaper since my school is only a half an hour drive to the city.) Anyway, the free clinic has been great, and everyone there has been really helpful, understanding, and most importantly professional. But this clinic is only for people who are uninsured. I'm not actually uninsured, I just didn't know how to talk to my parents about it, but I really needed help. I've decided that it isn't right for be to be using their services, as I have the option of insured treatment if I were to tell my parents. Today I told them that I wanted to stop my treatment there, and they cautioned against it, but of course agreed and have started to ween me off of the meds.

I'm actually really sad and nervous about it. That place had really helped me a lot, and I don't like the idea of abandoning the comfort it brought me. I had a therapist who had gotten to know me pretty well, and the meds were just starting to work. I feel pretty lost now. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have said anything, but it's not right for me to take advantage of their services like that. I'm just really sad about the whole thing. Even if I do end up telling my parents and seek treatment again, I'm upset that I have to leave that place behind. What's worse is I'm afraid of slipping into another suicidal depression when the meds start to ware off.

I feel like just when I was starting to make progress, everything got derailed. It was a choice, but I think it was the ethical choice to make... I don't want to take up time there for people who really could use it. I still feel guilty for the time I did spend there, but I just desperately wanted help, and that's the only way I knew how to get it while still keeping it a secret. Ugh.

[MommaR]

Did you explain to your T why you had made the decision you did?

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by MommaR

Did you explain to your T why you had made the decision you did?

No. I haven't even told him yet. I met with my pdoc today and told them. I had been telling them that my mom got laid off so we lost insurance coverage (which was true for a time, but she got a new job before I started going to the clinic). I just told them that my mom got a new job and starts in a week, so I won't be able to continue my treatment there. I'll tell my therapist when I see him next week :/

[MommaR]

There may be some loophole, being in a college town and you are I am SURE not the first college student there that has looked for help not wanting their parents' involvement, and you could continue treatment where you are comfortable!

[Rennerenner]

I feel guilty about it all, but it's different when you have no idea what's going on with you and you are desperate for help. I should have just told my parents, but it's not something I want to do, even know. I'll have to if I want to feel good again.

[tnlibrarian]

What if you explain that your parents don't know and you're afraid to tell them? Can you maybe ask your parents to go with you to an appointment and let the doctor explain?

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by MommaR

There may be some loophole, being in a college town and you are I am SURE not the first college student there that has looked for help not wanting their parents' involvement, and you could continue treatment where you are comfortable!

They made it seem like I had to stop once I was covered :/

I can try and ask them, but I doubt it. Ugh.

[MommaR]

Its at least worth telling your T- I am sure they will understand.

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

What if you explain that your parents don't know and you're afraid to tell them? Can you maybe ask your parents to go with you to an appointment and let the doctor explain?

I've told them that already when they asked about what I was going to do treatment-wise after I left. I'll probably just end up telling them I think I have an anxiety problem and then tell my doctor that I've already been diagnosed..

I feel like there's somewhat less of a stigma around anxiety than there is bipolar :/

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by MommaR

Its at least worth telling your T- I am sure they will understand.

I'm just afraid what I was doing was illegal. I don't really want to get wrapped up in anything. That's another reason I decided it was best if I pulled out now.

[tnlibrarian]

Are they willing to keep seeing you? In all honesty, if they are I would keep going. Also, check and see if there is a crisis center on your campus. If there is they can refer you to a doctor.

[MommaR]

I understand you not wanting to share this with your parents- outside of my children and husband I have only told one relative. Not even my mom who is also BP. But keep in mind, since BP runs in families, its likely one of your parents has the disorder too.

[MommaR]

Originally Posted by Rennerenner

I'm just afraid what I was doing was illegal. I don't really want to get wrapped up in anything. That's another reason I decided it was best if I pulled out now.

T's are under not legally allowed to take anything you say outside their office unless you reveal information that you have, or plan to, hurt yourself or another.

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

Are they willing to keep seeing you? In all honesty, if they are I would keep going. Also, check and see if there is a crisis center on your campus. If there is they can refer you to a doctor.

If they are, I'd love to keep going. They were even trying to think of loopholes with me, like saying that some insurance doesn't cover mental health like it does physical health, and that I should see what kind of insurance she gets. But at the same time, that makes it pretty clear that I can't keep going if it does cover mental health.

I've got a caseworker there, she said she'd give me referrals if I need it.

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by MommaR

T's are under not legally allowed to take anything you say outside their office unless you reveal information that you have, or plan to, hurt yourself or another.

I might talk to him about it then. I'm just nervous to say that I've been lying this whole time. Then he might think I've been lying about everything else.

[MommaR]

O I dont think that would be the case at all! I am studying to be a T myself and I know I could certainly understand where a patient with your situation is coming from!

[Rennerenner]

Originally Posted by MommaR

O I dont think that would be the case at all! I am studying to be a T myself and I know I could certainly understand where a patient with your situation is coming from!

That's good to hear, thanks for all the great advice. I guess it's just hard for me, since I'm a very private person by nature. It was so hard to tell him I was having suicidal thoughts, but for some reason this feels even more difficult. Like I violated his trust or something. It's kind of silly, but I still feel that way.