[purpledaisy]

It's been about a month now since my psychiatrist changed my meds. This time, we started with 100 mg of Wellbutrin once per day. Two weeks ago, we changed it to 100 mg twice a day.

I'm still blah.

I'm still crying every day.

I'm still depressed.

I'm in even more trouble at work and, like I've shared recently, now on probation and will be fired within a few weeks because no matter how hard I've tried, I still can't tackle this job.

I haven't had any hypomania since about August.

That's what was getting me into trouble at work before. The hypomania. I couldn't concentrate, lost all focus, forgot things that I had been taught, had to be retrained and would forget it again.

Either way -- depressed of hypomanic -- I suck at this job.

Just when I think I'm going to quit beating myself up over the fact that I'm failing at this job and about to get fired from the highest-paying job I've ever had with the best benefits I've ever had, I start beating myself up again.

I took a sleeping pill at 8:00 p.m. tonight (an hour ago) because I've had trouble sleeping because of the stress. I tell myself I'm not going to worry about the job, I'll just tough out the last days there, and if I don't find something in the meantime I will file for unemployment.

Then I lie down and all I can think about is, "How am I going to pay my bills? How embarrassing is it going to be when I have to be escorted out of the building with a box of my stuff? What am I going to tell my family? They're going to think I'm a loser AGAIN."

I'm so freakin' lonely.

Do you ever feel like posting how you REALLY feel on Facebook? Something like:

If anyone is awake, please chat with me online or call me. I'm so freakin' lonely and just need to hear someone's voice.

I hate it when several days go by and I realize I have not been touched by (or touched) the skin of another human being. It's almost like being in a bubble of isolation.

My 20-year-old son can give me a hug and STILL I've had no human contact.

Earlier today, I was sitting at work, getting more and more stressed out over the situation and the project that I'm struggling through.

My heart was feeling really heavy and I had pain between my shoulder blades.

For a few minutes, I was thinking, "Is this the beginnings of a heart attack? Is this how it's going to go down? My mom was right. I should have exercised and lost weight. If I died right now, would it really be that bad? Would anyone even notice? I don't even feel the burning desire I used to have for the things I wanted to do in my life. I'll be remembered by the mess I had gotten myself into right before I died. They'll say, 'She was destitute, in major debt, and it's probably a good thing she kicked the bucket at 46. She never was going to make good on any of those hopes and dreams anyway.'"

I'm just *****y tonight.

Sorry.

Maybe this Ambien will kick in soon and I can get some sleep.

[missbelle]

Hope you feel better......sounds like they may still need to increase to dosage or add another med. Sometimes its trial and error. I'm sorry!!!

Hope you can rest!

[BlueInanna]

oh purple i hope some rest helps. i remember being on 300mg of welbutrin i think, so maybe a higher dosage you could try. it does give energy and help with focus.

this job... they do sound like they're setting up to fire you with due cause. i don't like that they're not offering more training, after your time gone, some training refresher could help them keep an employee they've already invested in.

but also, sounds like you hate it there. i hope your private venture will grow, i know you're capable of it! but i also know what it's like to feel unstable mentally, and you might need a break. can you get disability, isn't that more money than unemployment? i think i heard that somewhere. what if you took time off, like a year to focus on healing. maybe you could get some therapy, an exercise routine. maybe you already have these i'm not sure. but some exercise each day really improves mood.

i hope you're ok with the shoulder blade pain, have you tried hot shower to relax the muscles? That just where i get pain when i'm so stressed with work. I hope it's not more serious like your worries. Most likey it's stress, with all you have going on with work.

i think it's time you stop trying to please your mom, and live for yourself, time for Purple to have harmony and happiness.

[sugahorse1]

I'm one 300mg Wellbutrin . I don't have the crying spells, but I feel numb. And everything else you mentioned EXACTLY!!,!,! Being lonely and worried about my job.
I hope the Wellbutrin kicks in for you soon though

[hamster-bamster]

Purpledaisy, I second Blue's suggestion to look into state disability insurance rather than uneployment. It can be much more money. I did not realize until I read this post of yours that on top of all the stress you are in major debt. It must be really really tough for you. Please research state disability insurance and print out the forms. Determine what you would qualify for. Figure out what to do about your home business. Fill out your portion of the forms and make sure a p-doc's appt is lined up. Start that appt with the request to fill out p-doc's portion of the forms.

[thickntired]

'She was destitute, in major debt, and it's probably a good thing she kicked the bucket at 46. She never was going to make good on any of those hopes and dreams anyway.'"

I can so relate to your words above, and I'm sorry you feel that way. Wellbutrin did nothing to help my depression. The only thing I used it for was to quit smoking. Now I take prozac & abilify, but abilify costs an arm & a leg.

I hope things get better.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[purpledaisy]

My employer has a long-term disability program, but I think I would have to go on short-term disability again and then if it lasts a certain amount of time and extends, they look into making it long-term disability.

It pays 60% of salary and the paperwork said it lasts until retirement age for everything except mental illness. I think it lasts 2 years or less for MI.

When I was on short-term for 5 weeks, I got 75% of salary.

Isn't state disability difficult to get?

Would it have anything to do with getting fired again?

Or would the big write-up my manager gave me (listing their case against me) be helfpul with that, considering everything listed on there is related to bipolar?

I am definitely depressed. People who don't even know about my bipolar are asking if I'm depressed.

Right now, I'm about $20,000 in credit card debt and $90,000 in student loan debt.

Student loan debt can't be written off with bankruptcy, of course. My mom is pushing me to file for bankruptcy, but is it really worth it over $20,000?

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think bankruptcy is worth it for 20K. You will manage in the end. Student loans can be written off if you get SSDI, but you probably would not want to go that route. SSDI is very difficult to get and it pays very little money. State disability should not be difficult to get, but try to get the disability through the employer first. Their package - 2 years max for MI - is standard. Basically, compare what will pay more money - state or employer-provided.

[purpledaisy]

This is too much to deal with right now.

I feel like I get when I'm starting to shut down, hybernate where nobody can find me, and be a hermit.

Can't tell if the constant headache is from stress, or leftover from the wreck I was in, or maybe my head was about to blow right off my body several times this week.

As long as I don't start having shooting, tingling pain in my arm, shortness of breath, palpatations, etc., I suppose I'll be great.

But I'm definitely on my way down. I just hope it doesn't spiral down to the point where it has gone the last few times. Keeps getting worse and worse.

I'm losing interest in everything that made me ME. Today I even removed something from my cubicle wall. It was a print-out from a website that takes writers on retreats in Paris. I wanted to go so badly last June, but didn't have the money saved. Thought I might go in November, but it's fast approaching and I don't have the money.

I'd say, "Maybe someday," but how can I get excited about flying (which I adore) when I barely able to keep myself upright and awake in a chair.