[tnlibrarian]

My husband and I read this article about how to keep a marriage going when one of you is bipolar. The one thing it emphasized is good communication, which lead to a long talk about our marriage, my illness and how we can help each other. He said the biggest thing is I have to keep him posted on how I'm doing and tell him when I'm not doing well so he can help me.

Tonight I admitted to him that I've not only had thoughts of self injury but have been doing it. I showed him where I have dug my nails into my arm and told him about the huge bruise I put on my hand while he was out of town. I did that by repeatedly hitting my leg. I admitted I still want to hurt myself, mainly when I get frustrated or really mad. Tonight I was frustrated with the kids and kept thinking about hurting myself. I've had random, very brief thoughts about suicide. That he doesn't know about. We've agreed I need to call my psych, get in to be seen and determine if I need to see her more often, be admitted to the hospital or do intensive outpatient. If I hurt myself again between now and Monday I think my husband is going to go with me and tell her he thinks I need to be admitted to the hospital. I really want to avoid that. My youngest is only a year old and is not going to do well with Mama being going for 72 hours. My insurance won't pay for more than 72 hours, no matter what. Ridiculous. I also want whatever decision is made kept from my parents and siblings. There will be hell to pay if my parents find out I've been admitted to the hospital again. I'm not sure how to keep it from them if they call. Granted, if I'm admitted Monday I can call then and they won't think anything about not talking to me for a few days.

I hope we make the right decision, whatever it may be. Things are looking pretty dark from my perspective. At this point I can honestly say that why my husband stays with me is beyond my understanding.

[Confusedinomicon]

I have a question for you.

What do you do for fun?

I think it would be a good idea (as a future activity maybe?) to write a list of things you enjoy doing. Then you can talk to your spouse about figuring out ways that you can incorporate those activities into your daily life so you get -1- hour to yourself.

I think an intensive outpatient would be better. Hopefully your insurance will cover the program (which is usually a few weeks?) and you'd get more out of the program. Hopefully the program would help you with coping. I imagine if you're hospitalized for 72 hours they will probably just switch your medication and watch you. Or you'd participate in a few groups. At least with a intensive outpatient you will have time to practice skills that they teach you.

The last thing I have to say is that you are a very brave woman. You had the courage to admit what was going on to your spouse and be open to treatment. I have issues with self harm, too, and I still get urges to do it when I feel helpless. It sucks, but at the same time I remember that I was able to stop for a period of time and I can do it again.

Loving SO are awesome!

[tnlibrarian]

For fun? I play with my kids, spend time with my husband, write, read, watch movies, travel when I can, get involved with things at church, spend time with friends. And that's why I don't get this need to hurt myself or the fleeting suicidal thoughts. My life is truly fantastic. I couldn't ask for a better life. Yet here I am, contemplating how to get through the next time I want to hurt myself without doing anything, and wondering why the hell I got stuck with being bipolar. My husband chalks some of this up to being verbally abused as a child, being in abusive relationships later and being taught that it wasn't okay to show I was anything other than happy or positive. Regardless---I fail to see how I can feel this way and at the same time know and acknowledge that there is no reason for me to feel this way other than being bipolar. It doesn't make sense and that's why I tend to be resistant to treatment beyond seeing my psych once per month and taking some pills. Compared to a lot of people I have nothing to complain about. Feeling this way makes me feel like a spoiled brat who needs their rear end kicked.

I did tell him flat out that I need time to myself once per week. By time to myself I mean leaving the house, getting out without the kids and doing something I want to do, be it wander around the art museum or sit at the park and read a book. He said he thinks it's a good idea but we'll see. Generally he doesn't like to keep the kids on his own unless he has to.

[Confusedinomicon]

Your husband may be right. It could be a combination of the past and the illness could make it worse.

Usually it's those who are closest to us that see where we hurt. It's embarrassing because my boyfriend just has to look at my face and reads me like a book. Sometimes he can tell I'm going to end up upset before I can! I would listen to your husband. He sounds like a very loving guy who only wants the best for you. I have actually grown closer to my boyfriend because I actually started listening!

I still have mood issues, but they aren't as intense anymore and I'm able to bounce back. I had to deal with a lot of abandonment issues and co-dependency issues. I still have problems, but they are becoming more manageable.

I think that self-harm can also be an indicator that you're unsure of how to deal with emotions.

Habits are hard to break. It takes a lot of courage and work to change what has been hardwired into your psyche.

took out triggering stuff

[sugahorse1]

Wow - that takes a brave person to be so open and honest. Well done.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad your asking for more help. Tell us how it goes.

[strongerthanbipolar]

As a married man with Bipolar I can tell you your husband may be the rock of the family but he is not made of stone. He obviously loves you very much and wants his family to stay together more than anything. My wife has stuck by my side when I have wondered the same thing. He would crumble w/o you stay strong and god bless your family