[chester1066]

Hi there,

A brief introduction - I am a woman who has just started dating another woman who is bi-polar - she was very open about telling me, I think its because I said that i previously worked in mental health. She told me what drugs she was taking and I recognised some of them and we talked about that for a little bit. But she changed the subject quite fast and referred to herself as a 'nut job'..
Although Ive worked with a few people who were bipolar, this was in a residential mental health home and the people there had mixed diagnosis and I never saw them outside of this setting. So I would actually say I have very little knowledge with regards to bipolar and everyday life.

We've only been seeing each other a few weeks, and so far have spent just a little bit of time together, although we have talked on the phone a fair bit.
She is in training as a medic so holds down a really important, responsible and pressured job.

My worry is, I really like her - she has a strong personality and seems to know what she wants - although sometimes she is really abrupt and says things that make me feel a bit rejected. We spoke this morning - she phoned me at 8am on my day off, woke me up and i called her back - she seemed quite manic actually and I think, said some inappropriate things - just things I thought were a bit sort of mean...oh, I'm not sure I'm explaining this as articulately as Id like.
Im having trouble differentiating her from the bi-polar.. i think thats what I'm trying to say. When we spoke later today she seemed to have quite drastically changed from this morning - she told me she had her ex coming to stay with her this weekend and how did i feel about this. When I said It made me feel a bit strange, but its OK she just got really verbally aggressive and told me I was 'kicking off'. Which, I'm probably the most passive person you can imagine! She then told me she was feeling manic. And when I asked her what that meant exactly, she said something along the lines of 'watch how many things i can mess up and destruct in the next few days, and ill get back to you' - it was horrible it made me feel so sad. she said she was feeling crazy. I asked her what helps? She said drugs and friends who won't judge her and that understand - to which she said she didn have many in the part of town she's moved to. I told her I was always on the end of the phone for her......but how do I deal with this, to help her feel OK?

I just don't know what to do ... please help. I feel so helpless and I really do like her a lot. She is very, very spiky and Im not sure how to respond.

Thanks

[sugahorse1]

I've been in a similar position, but at the time I wasn't dx'd myself yet. I also think it can be worse at times, as women do tend to be more sensitive. Add that to BP that might not be totally under control yet, and it can be a real problem. Take this relationship slow. Don't dive in too deep until you fully understand her and can really talk about her BP. It sounds like she isn't in control of herself.
Mania can really hurt you badly. She needs to be open to being in a relationship and needs to see how she hurts you at times. Don't give up on it - just don't throw your entire heart and soul into it, because it seems like it is being thrown back at you every time she's manic.
And it's totally understandable that you weren't ok with the ex staying over - you were almost TOO civil about it

[chester1066]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

I've been in a similar position, but at the time I wasn't dx'd myself yet. I also think it can be worse at times, as women do tend to be more sensitive. Add that to BP that might not be totally under control yet, and it can be a real problem. Take this relationship slow. Don't dive in too deep until you fully understand her and can really talk about her BP. It sounds like she isn't in control of herself.
Mania can really hurt you badly. She needs to be open to being in a relationship and needs to see how she hurts you at times. Don't give up on it - just don't throw your entire heart and soul into it, because it seems like it is being thrown back at you every time she's manic.
And it's totally understandable that you weren't ok with the ex staying over - you were almost TOO civil about it

Thank you sugahorse - I appreciate your reply. I know this question and concern has probably been raised a guzillion times on this board! I have read through some other posts to try to get an idea of things. Its hard isn't it? I can't imagine what she's going through. What does dx'd mean? Sorry to sound naive.
She sent me a set of texts last night - she went out to gig and was with some friends, but I don't think she's very close to them. She said she can't stand feeling like this and wants to be in her previous town - which is where people know her really well, and where her parents live. I asked to her to come to my house and stay here, because I was worried basically.(but I'm a good hours drive away)...but she text me and said 'I can't, I hate myself'. I was worried about asking her to come over, it frightened me to an extent, because I wondered if it was the right thing to say and if could handle what she may be like? Im in the middle of moving house too, so my place isn't exactly a peaceful haven right now. Anyway, the texts stopped and I asked if she was ok -but no reply and so I've woken up this morning not knowing how she is...
I think you are right in saying don't jump in and get involved. I tend to jump in and try to care for someone if I know they are hurting in any way and although that sounds nice, its actually something Im really trying not to do anymore because I'm not sure how healthy it is?

I just want to be there for her and I guess Im not sure how to be, or what to say. I just want to give her a big hug - i guess she can't trust me, we;ve only known each other a month at the most.

[sugahorse1]

Dx stands for "diagnosis" and dx'd is "diagnosed"
It makes sense that you are taking small steps in this relationship, especially as you are still trying to get to know the basics of each other.
All I can still add is to caution you from getting hurt.
I messed up my relationship before I was dx'd, and after a break-up of 6 months, I'm lucky that I got a second chance.
Most of us here have had to learn a lot in order to be in a successful relationship, as we need to take the responsibility for our actions. We need to understand ourselves first and really find the right partner that can put up with our condition.
I think your girlfriend may still be finding herself.

[chester1066]

Thanks Sugahorse, I think you are right in saying she is still finding herself - I'm not sure how new her diagnosis is?

I had an insightful conversation with her about an hour ago. She opened up to me more than I thought she might. I asked her how she was - and she said she felt awful. She said that she really like me, but KNEW that she was going to hurt me, because of how she is feeling right now. She said she hates it but is aware of whats going on and she wants to protect me which is why she's told me that she might not contact me for while. She then disclosed that she slept with her ex girlfriend last weekend and that the possibility of it happening again this weekend, is strong. Her ex girlfriend also has bipolar - I can't imagine what that combination is like?!! Her ex is leaving for Australia for 3months this weekend and as she put it 'will be out of my hair and give me time to myself'... apparently they just go back and forth hurting each other. Not healthy
She asked me what I thought? I said i cared about her, i really like her and I can understand that her relationship with her ex has little boundaries, but yes, that it made me feel uncomfortable and that I didn't want to lie about that.

Im tempted to let this weekend pass and see what happens with us. I know its going to screw me up knowing that her ex is there, and that she's feeling manic..Im moving house this weekend too I want us to have something, but Im scared now. What I want to say is for her not to panic about having feelings for her ex and acting on them - but I know that saying that, I'm putting myself down! in a way and just allowing her to do what she wants... but Im not sure how to handle it. Is this her being manic? or is this her?
I don't know whether to suggest we just spend some time together, like going for a meal, cinema, walks etc and see what happens?

I guess others that want to be part of our lives will have to accept that we are sick and take this into account when we act differently due to our moods and the emotions that it stirs up. I know for me, that I tend to either push people away or give them everything past a reasonable point. I go between the two... I don't really know why. I'm sure there are times that you are extrememly close followed by this irradic behavior. If you decide to stay... she will love you for it. but right now I think that she is prolly testing the waters to see if you are someone that will stick around or not. Just a hunch.

She's not bipolar, she HAS bipolar. She is mentally ill. if you decide to stay and love her, love her for who she is, not what she does. Definitely protect yourself in areas that she might tend to hurt you while manic or depressed, and don't always take her seriously...

don't take her seriously when she is on a manic high... just know that inside she is a person who is feeling euphoric feelings and that just wants the best for herself and others. she can't really see what she is doing cuz her brain is telling her that she is doing the right thing. after all, we all try and want to do the right thing..right?

when she is depressed, she is battling something much bigger than any of us and she will need to hold on to those close around her. She will draw strength from you. she might be needy and clingy and that's okay. that is her fighting this demon that we face.

I hope that this helps...

[chester1066]

landskaperdan - that helps tremendously, thank you so much for your input.
We have spoken numerous times today and text each other. This has come as a big surprise to me, as the text I received this morning said that she was not going to contact me for while as she's not sure what she wants right now and needs to sort her head out. There is a fair age gap between us, I thought I ought to mention that. To some, that will make a big difference and to others reading this, it won't, I guess?
She is in her 20s, me in my 30s.
The last conversation we had, about an hour ago - she said she felt 'weird', she was laughing a lot about everything, everything was a joke, talking quite incessantly about lots of different things, I was finding it hard to keep up to be honest. Her voice was much louder and more brash. I asked her how she was gonna be at work tomorrow if she was feeling manic? She said it would be interesting. She's been talking about sex a lot - but not really in a nice way..ive found it really a bit scary, telling me that she would have sex with the Queen! Tellling me she has a massive sex drive, that when she needs to have sex she literally will. Ok, now I know she does have a sense of humour, because this is what drew me to her initially...but it seems to have turned into something else now. But like you said, I can't really take her seriously when she's on a manic high? She keeps asking me to ring her, telling me to go and see her, telling me that she's the most important person right now and I should be putting her before everything else...even though I'm desperately trying to pack up my flat ready to move. But on the other hand telling me she needs to NOT contact me. Its so confusing and I don't know if any of the things Im doing are right here. I guess Im just going to have to go with my intuition? She's in my head a lot...pretty much all day at the moment.

So i think another question id like to ask, if its okay, i don't want anything I say to sound wrong or patronising..so please do forgive me if it comes across like that - its really not intentional.
So, I mean I have been in a 'casual' relationship with a woman 6 months back, who also has bi polar. She too told me she wasn't feeling well at the time. She was incredibly affectionate, made me feel really important to her and it was so nice. But then, suddenly she begun to tell me about all the sexual experiences she was also having with others....well, obviously it threw me. I felt so low about it. She then told me she was feeling manic. We stopped seeing each other on the basis that I could not sleep with her knowing that the next day she would be with someone else - it made me feel awful. Im worried this is happening with the girl I'm seeing right now. I want to ask, Ive heard that promiscuity is quite a prominent feature of bi polar disorder - am I right? And if I am, how do you deal with it, having bi-polar and the effect it has on relationships?

I hope its okay to ask that, and I'm not suggesting every one who has bi-polar does this, but i feel that 2 people I have met in 6months both have b-polar and this seems to be a common theme..

[sugahorse1]

Hyper-sexuality is quite common in mania or hypomania. It sounds like both of these women have uncontrolled BP however, and they need help to become a lot more stable and therefore be in control of themselves.
Casual relationships are so difficult on top of everything...you sound like you are heading down a difficult path that is very likely to leave you hurt.

[Lauru]

Hypersexuality is common as sugahorse says. But it is not a foregone conclusion that everyone with BP gets that when hypomanic or manic. I don't. I am a lesbian with bipolar. I have dated another lesbian with bipolar. We had a relationship for 5 years. At the end, I found out that she had cheated on me off and on throughout the relationship. I NEVER ONCE cheated no her. And I had BP1 and she had BP2. BP1 has the high mania and the BP2 has the lower level of hypomania. So while I have had hypersexuality when I was single and did some questionable things, I NEVER cheated on my partner. I have to admit, I am sensitive on that subject due to being the one who was cheated on. I would ask you why you are so into a girl you barely know?? What has made her stick in y our head so much? Only you can decide if you can be with someone who may be unfaithful either honestly or in secret. Whether she is manic or not, can you handle being with someone who is not monogamous?

[chester1066]

Thanks both of you, for your reply.

That given me a lot of insight actually, so thank you.
Im not sure why Im so into a the girl I barely know..attraction I guess. We like similar things, we both play roller derby, we are in nearby teams, sometimes we've trained together - so I guess a common interest and I just happened to be really attracted to her - and she has said the same thing.
Lauru - Im really sorry to hear you were cheated on like that. That must have been incredibly hard going. I understand, because Ive come out of a 4yr relationship with a woman (who didn't have bi-polar) who cheated on me with a friend. I've personally never done that to anyone. Im not into casual relationships, so this is quite new to me. Im incredibly sensitive and I do tend to give my all to someone and find it hard to just have sex without an immense emotion and deep feelings. So this is very strange for me, and probably why its on my mind so much too - I'm not sure how i feel about a non monogamous relationship...my instinct is that It is not for me. But I'm finding it hard to pull back from this girl - something is really pulling me to her. We've not had any sexual contact yet, I think I holding back for the same reason...im concerned that once Ive crossed that line, I'm into a whole different thing.