The complexity that is my life....

Hey all,

If you go and read my introduction in the hello section, you will se just a bit of the craziness that was my life before my DX.

Looking back, I realize that I made my Ex-wife's (soon to be anyways) life a living hell for years. I was a "Rage-aholic". I was angry so often it's not funny. I was constantly snapping at her and was just a grouch.

Part of me understands her need to get away from me. Part of me understands that life with me was such hell, that she would "turn gay" to get with someone who would take care of her and not cause her such heart ache.

But something doesn't make sense. About a year before she left, her behavior started to change pretty drastically. She refused to drive a mini-van any more and said she was "tired of being a soccer mom". She insisted on buying a Lincoln Navigator....

For eleven years, she was the consummate mother. Her children were her life. She had stickers all over her mini-van about how proud she was to be a soccer mom!

Since she left, she has gone from having the children full time to barely having them at all. I have our oldest son full time, as he was failing school living with her. She couldn't be bothered to make sure he was doing his homework or studying for tests. I get the little ones four days a week, but it's very common for her to drop them on me extra days. This week, I'll have them six days. Last week it was five days. I keep a calendar for the child support, and I have had the kids an average of 65% of the time since January. In the last few months, it's closer to 75%.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I want them in my home all the time. I just don't understand how she can have such a fundamental change in personality?

Her sister tells me that this is her "true nature" coming through.....
Her mom says she is "just selfish Jenny".......

I KNOW there is nothing I can do. I KNOW I have no control over anyone other than myself. Yet I still worry about her. I worry about the woman who broke my heart.

I find myself still deeply in love with her.

After my arrest and subsequent diagnosis while spending the weekend in the Psych-ward, I realized how much I had hurt her. I can still close my eyes and see the terror on her face when I was on top of her......

I actually begged her to beat me. I begged her to let me build a set of stocks and hand out flyers so everyone in town could come watch her whip me till she was too tired to whip me any more. I even figured I could get a permit by calling it "performance art".

I'm not sure why i'm writing this..... I just have a need to relate the story again.....

Sharing is caring. Good of you to post, emotional purging 's healthy. Your ex is acting rather strange, hard to believe she pretended for so long, but I guess in most cases, your family whom you grew up with, know you best. You're doing a great job with the kids, kudos they are blessed to have you. I hope you learn to forgive yourself in time...I dont have any advice, sorry. Just wanted to let you know I'm listening

I think that sometimes you let something consume you so much to hide yourself in it. And maybe for her it was being "mom." But she forgot that she was not just mom, she was also a woman. And, I don't know your story or how it went down in your house, but perhaps being just mom was her way to walk on eggshells, so she put her woman-self away in hiding.

Then, when the divorce happened, it was like suddenly she's "free" of the marriage, so she dropped the whole mom thing. But she dropped it too much. That's just a theory.

I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.... You'd think I was Catholic with the way I cary guilt around.

I'm afraid that she is on drugs or maybe even schizophrenic..... A fellow RN who used to work BHS told me that what she was doing was very typical for women her age when they have a schizophrenic breaks.

I know she has always wanted more money and more things. I was trying my hardest to work hard and provide those things for her. Because of her wacky childhood, I figured money was like a security blanket to her. I loved her, so I wanted to give it to her.....

I still love her..... and it hurts so much when I see the way she looks at me. She hates me. People have told me that it's displaced hate because of her behavior.... Maybe she just really hates me for what I did.

I would do ANYTHING to "make it right", but as far as I can tell, there is nothing really to do.

I don't have advice on how to make it right.

Also it would be very difficult to say if your wife has schizophrenia. There is a lot to it, it's a very complex thing. And from what you've described it doesn't sound like it to me, but you have only described a little. There is so much to schizophrenia, and multiple types as well.

To me it sounds more like the kid who has lived with extremely strict parents their whole life, so when they get to college they go nuts with their freedom. I've seen it happen many times. I knew a girl in high school who was a perfect, straight A girl. Perfect behavior. Sweet as could be. Super good girl girl. But her parents kept her under lock down, except to go to church group. She moved to college and within 6 months had been failing all of her classes, dropped out, was not only taking drugs but dating a drug dealer and prosituting herself out, and the last time I saw her she looked like a shadow of herself. It scared me and I was never able to contact her again. Sometimes I wonder if she's okay now.

I knew a girl like that too... Had a heck of a crush on her. She went off to a very up-tite christian university and came home after the first semester pregnant.

sigh

This is probably part of my way of working through the loss of my marriage.

Intellectually, I know the chances of her coming home are slim to none.... In fact, I think Slim is out back packing up the horses so he can ride out of town.

Emotionally, I hope and pray that she realizes that I can be better and that If she can forgive me, I can forgive her.

People tell me I need to "move on". I don't want to move on. I want my family back. I want the love of my life back.

As we said in the Marines.... "Want in one hand and **** in the other. See which one fills up first"

I think what you're going through is very normal. I would be devestated to lose my husband. I know it.

People telling you to move on are insensitve. Grieve, feel, and take the time you need to heal. Moving on too fast will only leave you broken for yourself and anyone who comes into your life.