it feels like remorse... no - regret. Sorrow? hmmm... it's like all of those things, mixed with 2 parts desperation and 1 part anger.

a really active depression, a brain that won't slow down enough to get a handle on it, and not to mention the self destructiveness that comes along with it.

it's almost like a blanket that covers everything, giving life and emotions to everything around. Everything is sad and calling out. Blaming me for the things that I have done.

it's like I'm desperate and guilty. It's not the things I have done anymore, it's just me, there is something wrong with me and I am sorry for being who and what I have become. I grieve the good times now. I grieve everything that made me happy before and times that meant everything to me, I can feel them turn into nothing.

I want to lie down and never wake up. But I know that I don't deserve to lay down. I don't deserve to just dissapear, i must suffer. I must pay the price and for me it's never ending. I want to die and I want to die fast because I know that I won't. Nope, I will suffer for so long, until my flesh is rotting and falling off my bones and I am half alive in hell burning from the inside out.

I am half alive when I remember the one thing. It's a feeling actually. I can't quite place it, but it is familiar. I get a warm sensation inside and I realize that even though I am burning alive, I'm ice cold on the inside. But I'm warming up now. My focus is off of eternal suffering and concentrating so hard on this feeling, this glimpse of a feeling that I can not isolate or put my hand on, it's just barely there. But it's enough to focus on.

It's a choice now, finally, I have a choice in what is happening. It feels like forever that I had any control and this choice seems so big and huge that I am afraid to make it. But I do...

and I chose to take a big chance. It's a gamble, and one that seems to carry the fate of the world with it. I have chosen to allow myself to focus on this feeling. and I know in the back of my mind that this feeling will grow. But.. I'm not sure that I am ready for the pain to go...

it kills me, but it also keeps me safe in a way. I can't describe it, but...
it does kinda keep me safe.....
the light, the good feelings...
they leave me exposed....
not safe...
risky....
damnit! as such is life.... I can't have the good without paying a price
so it will be a while... for me to build myself back up... enough... to be able to experience the good and be ok with that. it will be a while to build myself up enough to be able to experience the good again.

I guess until then, I have to try and stay out of the burning hell. I don't like it there. My flesh falls off there. it's gross.

I feel better now. Not great. NOt good. Just not like dying anymore. I don't know what to do! But I can choose now... it's a choice again what I am doing. So that is good at least. Yeah, it will be a while but I know that it will come.

you are amazing

no.. you are! You enter the bowels of hell and you come out! You make it through repeatedly... and you will again! You will.... and you will come back to us like you always do! You have to believe that.

what if I don't Dan

just know that you will. consciousness exists on so many levels... just try to find the one that you have an understanding that this is not permanent!

I'm not giving you anywhere near enough credit!

your words are better than reading twice is not enough

I don't want credit. I want for you to remember getting through this. that's all. credit is overrated, but remembering a glimpse of hope is priceless