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thinking about it, all of the emotions come flooding back.
it's like I am there now, feeling the way I felt back then
the feelings as fresh as when I felt them years ago.
the tingling in my spine
and the numb cheeks and nose.
the pounding in my chest
and the shaking hands and shoulders.
yes, it's just like it was back then.

I know that if I continue, other things will come too
It's like I am taking myself right to that line, just to see
how far I can go. It's really not me, consciously wanting this,
no, but like it's part of my nature.
I don't really want this, but it is there, and I am playing with fire right now.

I was having a good day, honestly I was. a good day and then BAM! I started
thinking of this and now I am right back to where I started.
It's like the years of therapy, the meds I am on all got erased. It's like I traveled
through time and now I am there again.
There I think. Where is there? What is this exactly? Can I figure it out now, better than I did before? The questions come flooding in. Part of me knowing that it is something bigger than myself, another part thinking that I can win this time.

I remember the outcome that happened all those years ago, and it's that part that thrills me, and terrifies me, simultanously. No... I can't go there again. I shouldn't go there again. ugh.. I know that thinking is useless... I'm already here.

I think about how things are now, even though stability seems like a foreign concept now. something unatainable even though I have known it well lately. Something that was so fragile gone now. hopefully, just for now.
it's something that I didn't protect in my thinking. Something that I didn't realize would go away so easily. something that I want back now.

The memories flood my mind... each one bringing back an attached emotion with it. Like a catalyst of sorts, the vehicles that emotions travel in, finding their way back to you. memories. ugh.. is there any way to get rid of them. they are so dangerous to me. so very dangerous.

I need to stop thinking. yes... stop thinking. I know that my thinking has changed. that my mind is now working much differently than it was just an hour ago. It's like I can feel the physical difference now, the nerves firing differently. telling me things. convincing me of what is real and what is not. telling me it doesn't matter, that it never did. sending urges down my arms to my hands... deadening my legs.

I think of how I learned that the center of a being is just below the stomach. the part that the energy comes from. I can feel that part of me now. but it's not energy coming from it. no.... oh no.... it's something else. something that I have become an expert at stuffing, hiding from and dealing with in so many ways. It is panic. my old enemy panic. it has been a long time since I felt such intensity, and now my brain is telling me that it's okay. convincing me that letting it out is the best way. trying to show me to let it come... that it will deal with it... that letting it out is right and stuffing it is wrong.

I am sweating now, a lot. the room feels ice cold. my vision is blurry with tears now. wiping my face, I feel how cold my hands are. it's like I am not even living anymore they are so cold. my legs are trembling. I am going to vomit.

I am beyond scared... I couldn't stuff the panic. like the memories that are catalysts for certain emotions, the panic also carries it's fair share. They tell me what to do.. and I know it will work. Damnit! I can't think. I can't act. I can't do anything. I have to do something. Focus! Focus! I know what to do. I do. I squeeze my eyes shut. There are so many bursts of light behind my eyelids, it's like fireworks going off. I can feel sweat drip down my nose and fall off the tip. I reach over and open the desk drawer, finding what I am looking for with numb fingers. It's been so long since I reached for the box cutter, that I start to question why I even kept it there for so long.... confused by this, my mind takes over yet again and i am once again lost... setting the boxcutter on top of the desk.. I fumble with it. my hand shaking so bad now, I desperately try to open it. panic setting in about it opening, I hyperfocus on it. why i'm not using both hands i don't know, but my left hand is heavy like concrete now. I can't move it.

the blade finally opens and I pick it up... shaking so much now.. sinking deeper and deeper... feeling everything, unimaginable things... all at once.

I move the shaky blade over to my arm that is stuck. it's shaking so bad that when I push it against my skin, I feel that it is going to just slice through like an electric knife. I can feel the blade... it feels warm against my ice cold skin. warm. I know that if I move it, it will feel warmer. I know that adrenaline will surge through me, overtaking these emotions and leaving me feeling the cold, crappy feeling of control. my hysteria will soon become nerousness. a physical nervousness and my mind will calm down. I know what I have to do. I prepare myself.....

I open my eyes. I'm sweating in bed. Memories of sitting at the desk racing through my mind. Just a dream. It was just a dream I tell myself. thinking of last night, going to bed... I did feel triggered by some responses on my support group. But damn, that dream was so real. it was more of a memory than a dream... but damn.

feeling my heart slow down I sit up in bed. remembering yesterday, I focus on yesterday. the things I thought, how i thought them, that everything is okay and that I have no secrets to protect... i focus on how good things are. I focus that I have nothing to hide. that everything is okay. that it's all how it should be.

Typing is the only thing that I can do that will keep up with my mind. I type like sixty or seventy words per minute..... I love to type.

finding ways to type is my goal sometimes. It calms me. I can type forever.

so i have been toying with the idea to write a book. the only problem is, is that I become really obsessive when I do things like that and i am already so pre occupied with work that I don't want to lose focus. when i do things like that, like writing a book, it is all consuming.

I want to write my book called "rebel wave"... it's about a war that takes place in the U.S.... and the governments efforts to stop the rebellion by isolating a single brain wave that the rebels have, nick named the rebel wave. by testing it's population, it creates concentration camps throughout the us to contain the would be rebels, and in it's effort, to win the war. but the main character avoids the mass testing it is doing on the children, and joins the forces of the rebellion, becoming a higher ranking member thereof. but the rebellion starts winning, and starts retalliating by creating it's own concentration camps. putting the main characters family in peril, the main character has to decide whether to join forces with the enemy, the U.S. military and betray his close friends, to save his family.

I have written it twice now, but deleted all of my files. obsessions suck. lol.

the main character is a boy, with a mood disorder, and it starts off in school where he has a panic attack and needs to be called out of the classroom due to two asshole kids that keep triggering him. that's when he goes to his aunts house. his parents are attending an assembly put on by protesters to dispute the U.S. government. it has live television coverage and the main character watches this with his aunt, who is trying to calm him down from his day at school. He is close with his aunt, and she knows just how to deal with him. she cares for him deeply, and he knows this. more so, than his own parents, who they are watching at the assembly.

the assembly gets violent and there is a riot. in the midst of the riot, a single thing happens that is caught on live tv. one of the huge trucks at the assembly, a truck that looked to be a tanker truck, it's tanker trailer lifts like a dumptruck and it fires off a single missile. on live tv. after that, there is machine gun fire at the assembly and it turns into a life and death situation for all that were attending. the police barracade the area and the trails of the missile are still visible. reports of a nuclear explosion in Tucson, area come rolling in and the national guard is called in.

communications are established between the rebels and the authorities, ceasing all gunfire they inform the authorities of seven more missiles ready to fire across the nation. a threatening standoff occurs and the president is called in to make a choice... call the bluff and risk losing seven other cities.... or cooperate with the demands.

what the rebels want is Arizona. they want the land, apart from the U.S. and under their full control.

one more missile is eventually fired off and they get Arizona.... this is the beginning of the war. this is when scientists isolate the rebel wave and start up their concentration camps and it's when the main character, who lives in arizona is forced to join the rebels.

the rebels seperate the main character from his aunt and give him privildges to see her based on his performance with them. or they will kill her for non complience. that's how they gain control of the children to train them as part of their army. the adults are put to work running the state and non complient adults are killed on the spot.

this is the first book in the series...

it's the mornings that I feel everything.
it's when I can dive deep into my mind... going places that don't exist later in the day.
It's when I can truly relate to others. when I can be myself.
makes me miss James on here. two days and nothing.

he really needs someone who can relate... and I can relate....
isn't that all that any of us need? someone to say, "I've been there?"

Hope he comes back soon.... my creativity is going to get the best of me. He helps keep me straight lol. Come back soon, buddy!

I see so much sorrow
and so much pain
and there's nothing I can do to help
relieve all of the pain

i wish there was something
I can do to help everyone
all I can do is understand
and help undo what is done

I want to tell everyone
that I can relate to all of your pain
and say that there is more out there
there is so damn much to gain

[BlueInanna]

I miss him too. Your creativity is inspiring. But I have no creative today. I'm not allowed, I am a slave to work and cleaning and driving children around. Have to focus on the demons driving cars tailgating me, and fighting the demons trying to steal my son to evil and addiction. Life's a joke and I'm not laughing. Going to drink now if I can find one.

To whom it may concern:

You have concerned yourself with concerns to the point that it is concerning. We are all concerned about your concern and we wish you would concern yourself with our concerns, because we are only concerned with your concern.

lol... now concern seems like such a stupid word... typed it too much. lol

H - however
E - everyone
L - likes to
P - push

What is help anyways. It's someone who challenges your thinking and pushes you into or out of whatever situation you are in that you can not handle. Passive help is really no help at all, but aggressive help seems to be more effective.

so what is help? Helping makes a person wildly unpopular I think. Unless it is empathy, which is not really help, I think that helping others really puts you out in your own situation and that the helpee will eventually break away from the one helping cuz the one helping carries a lot of the weight. So when the helpee is ready to carry his or her own weight again, then there is a natural breaking away and independance resulting in an abandonment of the person trying to help.

So to help someone is really being tough enough to carry their weight for them until they can carry it on their own and letting them go when they are ready. It's like they take a piece of you with them and there is a sense of loss.

So to truly help someone is a sacrifice.

So yes, maybe it's a selfish act to ask for help. necessary, but selfish considering the consequences for those that might help you.

help is such a weird thing, it sure puts a lot of responsibility on the one being helped to minimize the impact on the one helping them. mishandled, it can really harm the one trying to help so there must be a trust given on the part of the one trying to help.

it can either strengthen a bond between two people, when the trust is validated with the proper and corresponding actions, or it can tear two people apart, if the trust is broken.

ugh... even something as simple as helping can be so complicated.

but this can be twisted to say that the sacrifice is on the person needing to ask for help and that's why it is so hard to ask, and that the one helping gets a gratification at the cost of the one being helped.

See!!!!! They both make sense!!!! So what is real????

Reality, I think, is different for everyone and there is really no one set way that is right or wrong, that it is different for everyone and the most that we can do for someone is to offer perspective based on our own reality.

ugh... why do I think so much? I really am a simple person until I go off and start thinking about crap like this.

We are all lost, all believing in our own reality's. No wonder organized thinking and reality's are so popular, like clubs and religion. it is a safe haven for those that are seeking something more than their own beliefs. hmmmmm... that makes sense to me. otherwise we would be alone in our thinking and our reality's.

so maybe the safest bet would be to accept and seek understanding of other peoples thinking and reality's without compromising our own.

Yep... that's what I am concentrating on. accepting others while not compromising my own. the very definition of strong and compasionate.

Ugh... too much thinking. who's up for a burrito? lol

guess I'd be a fool to think anyone would actually read all of this.. but this thread is for me. It's what I need right now. and I don't want to be spamming other posts with my crap.

thinking back
I had so much to offer
but I wasted all of it
in an effort to be less than I was
and that got me no where
which is where I made my home
If I couldn't have it all
then I wasn't going to have anything
which is what I had

I'm gonna let this thread die.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm reading You probly read this already coz its my FB status, and its not creative per se', as its modified lyrics, but it was mulling round my head for hours yesterday and I wanted to add it, hope that's ok...
'Don't f u c k with me Argentina, the truth is you irritate me, I want to choke you, hi-five your dumb face, will keep my hands off, if you keep your distance...'

yeah, so that