...I don't even know how to describe this? so I will try anyway. it seems as though the world around me as it's apparently becoming more interesting and fulfilling?..
...to me it's only getting more complicated and irritating.

...and every manic depressive episode I go through just breaks another piece off of me bigger each time it's getting harder to identify whats left behind...I'm scared that there is much more wrong with me...

there is much more fundamentally wrong with me besides these terrible mental experiences...serious flaws in my character making me doubt myself and my personal abilities with others...it's one thing to express affection and caring on a computer and the feelings are there but in real life there is no evidence to back any of it up I'm close to nobody I am scared of people I don't know how to care for anybody I don't really know if I do?...I feel like a fraud!...I'm too far down the hole or up my own!

...I don't know why I'm like this?...or is this just the depressive phase? it seems different this time...I'm wondering I already lost interest a long time ago and suddenly it seems like I have been surviving purely on mood swings...but even the swing appears to have stopped.

please refer to figure a:

this is in nature, the formation of an 'oxbow lake'...the river flow erodes away the weakest point in the river bank where it naturally meanders and eventually breaks through cutting it off from the flow entirely! Formally part of the river but never again the 'oxbow lake' de-oxygenates killing anything left in it, goes stagnant...often polluted and eventually dries up alltogether. It drifted apart and there was nothing to stop it! this is what I feel is happening to me I'm being eroded away.

please refer to figure b:

i don't know if this works for me? ...maybe it's meant to? ...I don't know?

figure 3:

thats as best as I can describe it...the natural flow of life has cut me off

[Anika.]

Can't you dump more dirt back into the part that eroded away and build it back up as a proper foundation? Serious question... I know that is true of the river.. that could be reversed and maintained.

James sometimes I hate asking questions, and then sometimes I think they are important even if I don't want to do the asking. Who cut who off? Life cut you off, or you cut life off? I think the difference between the two is important.

I think I know what you mean Anika....took me a while to understand though. you mean before it's separated make it stronger. I think thats what human engineers do in real life...reinforce the river bank....keep the river intact
..but I'm not feeling all that human

...the second question...I don't know?

well yeah I maybe do...I do feel that life has cut me off...it's done it over and over and it did it first ...now I have developed the habit of cutting 'it' off....

but it's so hard to know whats going on anymore it seems

[Anika.]

Maybe the first answer answers the second question as well?

Even after the bank has been eroded, separated as in picture b.. grown over, it could still be shoveled out and reconnected.

I think there just comes a point when we cannot take anymore and we have to figure it how, however that looks, we have to act, other wise things continue along as always, or get worse, as we see with the river. Somehow we have to find the strength to do this stuff or the whole river will erode and eventually dry up and become nothing more than a dried up river bed. No life.. have you seen them, I am sure you have.

Sometimes even old dried out river beds take on new life if they get some water, plants will even start to grow there and it becomes transformed. I guess it's never too late for the river bed, but it needs something for that to happen.

thanks Anika...you write some pretty damn good stuff!

I'm sorry I'm talkin' negative lately...just been under this cloud for ages now it's driving me mad!...and getting not just sick but sick of myself, sick of my thoughts, sick of my movements!... same old assortment of weirdo expressions sick of my face! I'm the least popular person in my house and I'm the only one there except for manic me who kicks the crappy me out for a while but always arrives un-announced....sick even of manic me especially of manic me cos thats where so much of the confusion comes from...

seems each bipolarity sucks the life out of the other one just so it can be?
it's so exhausting...so maybe it's me thats given up.

I hate cliche' ...freaking hate cliche' actually!!...but life weren't meant to be easy huh?
I want to put hugs and love and stuff but today I just don't feel worthy of it Anika.

[Anika.]

Shivering alone, words that need nothing to hold them up on either side.. truth needs no support ~

There is no worthy of hugs and love and stuff,
It is a right that comes with breath and pulse.

thats really cool!

I really like that... thankyou Anika