I am writing to myself... It's ok <3

I need a reminder today.... I think I am having major anxiety about my mother coming.... oh what's new... nothing. I have stilts yes... I can walk over this land better than I did last time maybe.. putting it here so I can see it myself. If I ever need big reminders of who I am it is when the person that formed and created me is near.. how odd is that.

Buckle at the knees, the elbows bend with the trees
Bridges collapse at the shores, leaving only a balloon to sail me
Past a bird in full flight,knowing all the while knowing

There are watery graves at the end of the night where we lie
they carry no light and no life, you must surrender or fight
But remember the bird and balloon they are connected to you

I caught a glimpse of light in this web of strings
Fed it with breath and soul and watched it grow and grow and glow
I sail on breeze, sprouting stilts from beneath

To carry you, to carry me.. through the darkest forest of all forest
While you hold in your hand a shoestring made with love
Tie it to a dove and watch the time forevermore ravel and unravel

The strings tear and repair, they will always be there
To see us through me and you, through this messy abyss
Keep a piece tucked in you palm, and hold on til the dawn

just till dawn Anika?

that is beautiful....

it stands alone...beautiful Anika...

You created this heart, You were the oscillator, and controller,
To give regulation when I was still connected to the main energy source.
You made sure my gear train, and mesh gears worked in sync perfectly,
You gently wound my key to tighten the mainspring, making my gears stay in rotation.
You rocked me softy to swing my pendulum to ensure that I could keep time in perfect precision,
Clockmaker, amazing job of all time.

Why did you tho, after all the loving care and time to create me and get me ticking,
Why did you offset the pendulum, why did you bend my gears, why did you over wind my key?
Why did you let me rust and pull away the oscillator and controller?
You plucked at my gears with a pin till they were off kilter,
You stomped on me and broke my glass casing, the protector of my once finally tuned parts.

Why my Clockmaker, would you destroy my with such ease?
Build me up and tear me down to varying degrees,
Leave me broke, unusable, unwanted, destroyed and disregarded.
It left my with no energy, no springs, to torn were my gears inside.
No clockmaker you are at all.

I can't keep time, I don't tic nor talk, you damaged beyond thinking there would be repair.
And now here we sit, you still hold all the tools a clockbreaker needs.

Mother Mother clockmaker, Why did you make something so beautiful, Only to rip it apart?
I am trying to repair my own gears, swing my own Pendulum, be my own oscillator and controller.
Get me un-sprung, and wind my own key, but it is not easy you see to finely tune your own heart.

Mother why did you bother to make me at all, and tear me apart?
I got it going, it's shines like it once did, it doesn't swing in good time,
The gears still get stuck, I wind the key.. what I can reach, and pieced back the glass.

Clockmaker, my heart doesn't work to good but it is better than no heart at all.


This is not now.... don't swing backwards...... (yes I hugged myself..that's ok too) I dunno feels awkward. :/

If I said you don't know where I have been or what I have seen, I could lend it back to you and find some peace in between.

still reading Anika...hold on

Anika...

you hit me where it hurts!...so I guess it's my turn...

I'm so familiar with this passive thing let 'them' break my damn hands!!

(the rest is figurative)

on my face ...off my damn dial second one and the first hand the worst hand wait a minute don't hurt me I let YOU hurt me....why come how?

living is a beast uncalculated unavoidable Anika you cannot sit all sweet like you are and expect the danger to luckily miss you honey!...

it aint' gonna happen!...maybe once in a billion minutes but not often enough to allow you to cruise cute and wonderful through...

see what I just did!...

I want to protect you

I fully expect to get hurt James... but how hurt... and what can I do with it? What I can do with it is most important to me. It won't miss, but can't I do something about it on my end.. some PPE... personal protective equipment ?

If I get real honest... when my dad died.. I did not cry, even though it was under awful circumstance I didn't cry and I felt no connection, well that's not true there was connection but no the kind you want to feel when one of your parents passes.

When my mother dies I would like to feel something different.

No more breaking my damn hands James.. that's what I want. I tried a thousand ways to to stop it externally, and I cannot because it is not mine to stop. But what about internally.. surely there is something I can do inside.. it's my domain in there.

I see what you did.. my eyes are not as sharp today but I can still make it out. Thank you James.