remembering

thinking of the past
when it started
when I was nine

remembering.....

knowing that I was sad. doing everything in my power to ignore it, to continue being "me".... the effort that I had to put into it... watching how I affected others and the reactions that I got, it was not in my control.... seeing, feeling the effects of it.

then slowly realizing I was more than sad. this had a life of it's own. it wasn't me. then... having that moment of clarity when I could see how bad it was... I gave up then. the first time I ever gave up.

remembering.....

when I was a teenager... I was soooo repulsive to everyone around me. I could only watch it as it happened. I accepted that was who I was... and felt that I deserved it.

remembering.....

as an adult.... putting up my most aggressive front. nothing could hurt me... nothing could match the pain that I had been through. Everything was bigger than me and it was my job to tear it down just to prove to myself that I could. There was not a fight that I couldn't win... there was nothing I couldn't do. I hated myself... and I was fueled by that hate.

thinking..... of now. I am a blank canvas. desperate to put the right things on it. my morals and conscious pure and true, simple even. I am sooooo simple and honest and simple and true right now. I protect it. with my life I am protecting it. Desperate to make the right decisions.... I will never go off my meds.

I can relate to this so much, all I can say is you are brilliant for not having given up yet

no brilliance... just creative survival techniques. I have learned to live in a fantasy world... one to where I can "adjust" my perspective.... really not a good trait.