Thinking of packing up and moving half-way across the country

For the last few days, I've been giving some serious thought to packing it up and moving half-way across the country, to Los Angeles.

I'm not manic. Definitely not.

I'm more on the depressed side.

I was already on the depressed side of things, and then the Connecticut shootings happened and I sunk down even more.

But with everything going on in my life lately, I feel like running away. I feel like maybe there is something better out there.

It's probably up to me to find "something better" inside myself and stay put.

But look at what's happened in my life since August.

• I decided to get back into treatment after being a loose cannon for many years.
• I was getting in trouble repeatedly at work, which led to being on probation.
• My medical doctor, p-doc, and t-doc decided I should take FMLA leave and short-term disability to put my job on hold and work through the medication issue.
• I was hit by an uninsured driver, which shoved me into another vehicle, totalled my vehicle, and I'm finishing up chiropractic treatment this month. This caused money stress, because I knew I was probably going to be fired in the near future, yet the money from my insurance company for totalling my vehicle was not enough to buy something reliable. Had to borrow money from a very controlling, judgmental relative to buy something else.
• I returned to work and immediately was put on probation again, with a deadline to improve or be fired.
• My almost-21-year-old son told me he was taking steps toward moving out of the house, which will leave me all by myself. It's been just the two of us since I was pregnant with him. We've always had a great relationship. Now he's clammed up for the most part, and ready to move out with a girlfriend.

So I'm feeling very alone right now. It's about to get worse, because I found out yesterday that the big move will take place this weekend.

Meanwhile, I've heard an interesting phrase from several people lately. "What were your 'little girl' dreams?" In other words, when you were a child, what did you dream about? What made you happy? What activities? What did you think you would be when you grew up?

I've always been interested in the entertainment industry and I've always been creative.

When I was a kid, I always thought I would grow up and then move to Hollywood to see what would happen.

I have an old friend who lives on the outskirts of Los Angeles. If I go out to visit and check things out, I can stay in her guest room.

I did some research and calculations online. It would take 23 hours to drive to LA, and $250 worth of gas.

Am I nuts?

If I feel alone right now, with my son still in the house but about to be a 10-minute drive from me, will I feel even more alone if I make a big move? Or will the newness of the situation keep me occupied and keep my mind off the fact that I'm alone?

I have no savings.

I'm on unemployment.

I'm expecting $2,000 because I'm cashing out my 401(k).

The house I live in (owned by my mom and I've paid the mortgage for many years) would need to be dealt with. I'd have to leave it sitting here and keep making the payments. Or I'd have to do some MAJOR decluttering and cleaning to get it ready to be sold.

My mom is a 75-year-old widow. She is not frail at all. She's in very good health and she has an active social life without me. But all my life (even the few times I have tried moving away) I have heard the guilt trip about how family members should stay close to each other, like in the same town. So there is some long-suffering guilt that comes up when I think of moving far away. What if I say good-bye to leave and it's the last time I ever see her? What if she gets sick while I'm gone? Round-trip flights are about $500.

I've researched apartments online. I've researched job openings in the LA area online. A couple of career coach-type people have told me I should give in to my creative side, go to Hollywood, get a day job, and take some comedy classes at night.

What is the alternative if I don't make a move?

• I can stay put in this house.
• My son will move out in a few days and HOPEFULLY he will make time for me once in a while, although lately it's just lunch or dinner every two weeks.
• I'll get used to going for days without the touch of another human being. As it is now, I have to ask for hugs from my son.
• I'll get used to going for days without holding a conversation with someone in person. As it is now, I see my son for maybe a total of 15 minutes per day if I'm lucky, and I don't see other people unless I venture out to a store or sit at a coffee shop with my computer. I see two small groups of friends (superficial friends; not close friends -- I have no close friends) once per month. Otherwise, I see my mom maybe once or twice a week.
• I'll keep working on trying to boost my freelancing business, which I could do even if I decide to make a big move.
• I'll have to find something to make life worth living. That's not easy at this point.

Thoughts?

I am currently going through a depression cycle and started up the meds again just because. The holidays is making matters worse because I'm single and cannot share these days with a special someone. Friends & family are wonderful and I'm glad for them. But for your tale I have been feeling the same thing.

Earlier this year I explored a job offer in Dallas and ultimately turned it down over the money they were offering. But it got me thinking about mobility options. I'm currently dealing with an issue with my roommate possibly bailing on me and leaving me with the lease, about 12 months of bad relationship decisions and several confrontations with friends that made me kick them out of my life. With everything mounted on top of each other I too have felt like taking off. How wonderful would it be to arrive in L.A. where someone I met in October wants a relationship with me! (true story) My family would be fine without me here but I have to stop and ask some questions.

1. Once I'm settled, will I miss my life back home? My friends & family? Old job? Am I just being impulsive? etc etc

2. Life is different in L.A., will I like it? Can I make it my home?

3. If everything goes bust can I move back easily? What about the cost?

4. What happens when I swing back to normal or manic stage? Will I still want to stay there or will NYC suddenly appeal to me?

5. What if I totally melt down and self destruct? What support do I have in a strange city?

I totally feel your sense of adventure and desire to pack it up and move. Perhaps a good way to look at it is what would you tell your son if he wanted to move and for the same reasons? What would your mom say to you? We are at the mercy of our moods which might send us in any direction the wind blows. Sometimes it helps to just put feelings aside and think logically about it. It's hard to do, very hard even, since I think bipolar folks put more heart into things than most do so our emotions really weigh us down. If the entertainment industry appeals to you, try looking into local venues first. Write short stories for a local paper or take up acting in an amateur theater. If you have a camcorder, consider creating Youtube movies with all the scheduling, directing and editing that's involved. Kinda of get a sample of what you're seeking in L.A. since it's so tough to break into that industry and see if you even like it. Hope that helps! - Jim

What if your car breaks down? As much as you might not want to use it, Chicago has pretty decent public transit. Forget the idea in California, where the financial situation has been worse than most anywhere else in this country. California is a tourist state, and if you're not a tourist bringing them money, you're not going to get a great reception.
I lived there over ten years. Do your homework again, because unless you're young and very attractive entry-level jobs won't be easy to get. If you don't have good connections of some sort, no job will be easy to get.
People with dreams AND a bankroll and time have been going to California for over a hundred years, and the vast majority ended with nothing.

You've been slammed by two traumas in the past few months:
--a devastating auto accident
--your child's transfer of a primary bond and home with you to one with a girlfriend (possibly sexual partner)

Add in around this the probation at work, the lousy state of the world, your mom's family "gentle demands" ...

Doing a geographic right now because of your childhood dream seems really tempting fate ... several leaps beyond merely taking a chance. I don't think you're in a stable-enough mental state, recovered sufficiently psychologically from the effects of the auto accident, to make such a huge decision.

I also think much--too much--isn't decision but reaction to your son's decision. Give yourself time to make some of the natural transition from "mom" to "friend" that will come once the relationship begins to evolve. This can turn into an exciting an happy time.

Take some deep breaths. Maybe talk with your mom?

Please, above all, slow down. The speed is largely what suggests you might be re-acting as much as deciding. This can all be okay. Slow down. Look at everything more thoroughly. Okay?

Roadie

Roadie just gave some fantastic advice.....you would do well to heed it. I know how it feels to want to run away---that's why I've had 13 jobs in 16 years---but we always take our baggage with us no matter where we go.

I started this thread yesterday at 9:35 a.m.

By noon, I no longer wanted to move.

The urge had changed to doing a massive decluttering at my house, keeping the house, and then being light enough to travel frequently. (By "light enough," I mean getting rid of the clutter that makes me feel stuck at my house. And also the clutter that I would be too embarrassed for a dog-sitter to see when she stops by 3 times each day while I'm gone to check on my dog.)

I still don't think I was manic. Not sure what I was. I was VERY down yesterday. I'm still down today. Still on the same meds that I've been on for a few months now.

Not scheduled to see the pdoc again until February, unless something happens and I feel like I need to go sooner. But, since I no longer have insurance, that 15-minute session with him will be $95 instead of the old $25 co-pay.

Is it possible to be manic and depressed at the same time?

Yes you can have a mixed episode.

Yes, I have mixed episodes all the time where I'm depressed and racing. It's also possible to have dysphoric mania which is when you race like you have mania but none of the euphoria. It's all rage, irritation, agitation, and so on....

for me it's very volitile state and somewhat dangerous as that's when I am most likely to self-harm. I am in remission for suicidal thoughts but others have concerns about that in a mixed state as well.

Another name for this uncomfortable state is 'agitated depression'. It's the situation I found myself in a year ago, when I couldn't figure out if I was depressed or what---I felt awful, down in the dumps, angry, sad, etc. but also strangely energetic and on edge all the time. It used to be that when I got depressed, I slept a lot and ate a lot and gained weight; this time I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't focus, and didn't care. I even lost 25 lbs. without trying to diet, which had never happened to me before.

This year the same thing is happening, except the mood stabilizer is preventing the more extreme swings I used to have. I've lost interest in food and my weight is dropping like a rock (which I can easily afford!) with 21 lbs. gone in less than six weeks. I'm somewhat depressed, but I can do my job and have enough get-up-and-go to make it through the day. I still care enough about my appearance to wear makeup at least part of the week, and I brush my teeth on the weekends. Don't laugh---it wasn't always this way.

I don't get the happy I can do anything Mania... I get the self loathing.. irritated..my life sucks.. so ill just cry now... mania.

Things will improve maybe not today or even tomorrow , but they do.

Maybe decluttering of your home will help "declutter" your mind ? It works for me.

In what way do you see yourself ideally working in the entertainment industry? You say that you are creative; in what way - writing scripts, acting, cinematography, what's your flavor?

Is there a college or actors' guild near where you now live that could help you gain experience?

I don't think following your dream is crazy. You have done some research. I don't know what locale is best suited to help you achieve self actualization as you define it.

Keep us posted.

This is my one main rule: Do nothing! Make no major decisions one way or the other. Make no changes if depressed or manic in any way. You can't possibly think clearly in those situations. And I have found that when I have that great of an urge to run away, it is probably something in myself that I want to run away from.

Catching up reading during the "wait" part of a "hurry up and wait"...

By noon, eh? Well, that'll save me a lot of yap.
Decluttering is great. Big fan. Too much stuff really does weigh one down! Glad you hear you are putting your energies into such a positive project. And with a potential for a big feeling of accomplishment (which is always good!).
Yeah, as the others have said, it is quite possible to have both at once, and it's no fun. Meds have been the same, but you've had a lot of big stressors going on in your life lately... and it's certainly possible they are playing a role in it.
Dang. My "wait" moment is over. Back to work...
Hope you are feeling better soon, purpledaisy -- keep posting.

I agree that you wait to go anywhere.

If you're interested in the entertainment industry it's actually counter-productive to move to LA (or Hollywood or whatever,) or New York. There is a good reason for this: that's where everyone is going. It's over saturated with people following their dream. The more clever idea is to train and work locally first. If you're into acting/ costume design/stage make-up/theater production, start looking around for local productions and theaters. If you're into music look at bars or clubs that have local talent perform, church choires, talent events, etc. Like, whatever it is you do, look locally. Worth toward becoming a bigger fish in a smaller pond first. Then even if it doesn't work out to go to LA or whatever, you're still doing what you're passionate about. And if you move to any bigger city, you have a resume to work with. Because in LA or New York you're not even a fish. You're like a krill in the ocean.

Decluttering is a wonderful feeling! Except when hindsight kicks in and you regret getting rid of something. lol

I actually am decluttering now, selling stuff if I can, tossing stuff I don't need. I might need to move soon for a job so I want to eliminate as much as possible to make it an easier transition.

Rapid cycling sucks. Yesterday I was cheery and bright spirited at work, then watched Noel with my family and was ready to cry through most of the movie. Today's not doing so well either but the Pdoc said give the Seroquel time to start working. So far it just helps me to fall asleep at night. At least I'm getting my zzzzz.....

Jim

Decluttering is harder than I thought.

I did go through my bedroom closet and threw away things I haven't worn since at least 1998.

But when I went into the room I use as my office, I threw away a few things and hit a roadblock. I was back to looking at paperwork and thinking I'll need it someday.

Why would I need divorce papers from 21 years ago? They need to be shredded.

Hey ! getting a closet cleaned out is HUGE ! pat yourself on the back.

Hmmm I kinda doubt you would need to keep divorce papers. I burned mine about a year after the divorce. I don't think you would ever need them..

Be proud of yourself