[peaches86]

I really cant stand the highs and lows anymore. I guess i get to a point where they dont seem so bad but that must be while im manic. My therapist has sent a note to my doc for more meds since all i take is neurontin which helps some but dont help the fluxuation of my moods. It generally helps my anger issues. Anyways i dont know what to do anymore as i feel so lost once again. Last year in october i was hospitalized being in a manic state due to the same thing im dealing with today. Only now im depressed. I lost my husband back in Jan of 2009 and havnt quite fully allowed myself to grieve over it. Im not sure how. I get to a point in time where i think ive accepted it once again to find myself where im at today. My husband was much older than i...when we married i was 21 and he was 56. (35yrs difference) Alot of people looked at us like we were crazy but i was deeply inlove with him and still do love and always will love him. I knew he wasnt quite as healthy but never thought what happend would ever happen. We were married for a year and 4 months. We met 2 months before getting married. Some would say it was way to quick but if you would have saw us together you would have retracted that thought. In november of 2008 (i will never forget) on the 4th day, my husband went in for open heart surgery, a double bi-pass. The night before i was so worried i never went to sleep and sat out in the living room all night unkonowing itd be the last time i would ever have the chance to lay with him. His surgey actually turned out well and he was in recovery when the docs lets me see him. Usually your supposed to wait but i begged and pleaded as i was soo worried. By the next day he wasnt able to breathe well and by night was put on a ventalator and a feeding tube. He stayed like that a few days. When they finally took him off it i will too never forget one of the scariest moments while there. I had went down to get coffee or something and as making it back off the elavator i heard "code blue" and paniced running to his room to see tons of doctors and nurses in his room. I made my way in as they pushed me back out. They were able to bring him back and silly him all he did was pass out for not telling a nurse he needed to go to the bathroom and tried to go on his own. (i apologize if this is soo long but i need to get this out of me) He bagan to get better and was transfered to a nursing home/ rehab type facility. Doctors still came to check on him. But by this time he wasnt allowed to eat or drink due to everything going to his lungs rather than his stomache. He had to work on speech therapy..he could talk..just couldnt swallow so he had to learn to retrain his swallowing. While intibating they screwed something up. The doc finally approved him to have little bits of drink but still no food. I went and bought sprite and gave him a glass and another and later that night he went into congestive heart failure and his lungs were over filled with fluids. I felt like it was my fault. The whole time he was in the hospital i never left his side from the first day he had his surgery. Things just kept getting worse and they had drain tubes and he was reintabated and once again in an induced coma. They transferred him again to another hospital. I was told to call in all family as he wasnt going to make it but he proved to be strong and made it all the way through New Years. he would go in and out of having to be intibated. finally the docs put in a treachea and a stomache tube to feed him through. they had to go in twice during the treach surgery becasue the first one after coming out he wouldnt stop bleeding so he had to have an emergancy surgery overnight to correct the placment of it. by this time all the nurses knew me and i did most everything for him including their jobs. id bathe him and empty out his cathiter bag and readjust his position hourly. at that point they usually just came in to check on me and give him his meds. finally after all that he got better again. he was moved to another hospital one far away to where i couldnt stay this time. i regret not staying soo much. he was getting so much better and we would talk on the phone everyday and night. i had come up once to see him and he looked so good like all was going to be ok. i started getting the house ready for him to come home when one night i recieved a phone call from the staff of an emergancy room at another hospital. they told me i needed to come in something had happened. they wouldnt tell me what but i needed to get there fast. so i did. he had a stroke. surgery was no longer an option as he had already been through to many.(i dont believe that anymore..they could have helped him) he was alert when i got there..that was the last time i was able to talk with him. i dont remember much of what was said and it saddens me so. i do wish i could remember soo badly. i had left overnight just to go home to get a few things as i stayed at the hospital again hoping he would make it out again. overnight he had another stroke and by morning was in a coma that was not medically induced. a few days gone by while i cried over him hoping he would snap out of it but he didnt. the doctors finally pulled me aside and said i would have to take him off the lifesupport and i was lost. i felt like i was the one who killed him since they said i had to give the go to pull the plug. i was able to bring him home through hospice where i wouldnt let the nurses help me take care of him. he was still in a hospital bed as they put one in our house for him. he lived another two days while i didnt sleep only cause i was afraid he would leave me if i did. finally the nurse said i needed to rest to be able to take care of him so i went to sleep and had a dream of him. just before going to sleep i gave him a bath and told him that if he was ready to go he could so that he no longer had to suffer anymore. i talked to him for an hour or more just before laying down on the couch beside. in my dream i was on a beach and he was glowing like an angel in bright white lights and he came to say goodbye and he loved me. i could never forget that dream. when i woke up he took his last breath and the nurse checked his heart and called time of death. she walked over and flipped the switch on the wall to his oxygen and i felt more numb than i have ever felt my whole life. i spent the next few days preparing for his funeral and dont remember much of it or how i made it through. i remember telling my mom first time i saw him laying in his casket that i needed a blanket for him because he was too cold and i cried being irrational didnt want him to freeze. after that i dont remember much. i changed into a whole different person and lost all good memories of him and our marriage. i have pics of our wedding day but dont remember it at all and that truly upsets me. im soo sorry if this post depresses others but i really needed to let it out of me again. Jan 30 2009 RIP my dear husband Big Mike

[Trippin2.0]

Sending you lots of comfort and soothing hugs s my dad passed away the 24th of that very month and year and I see how my mum still struggles as she's put her grief aside for her own personal reasons. I'm thinking of you, and I believe that Big Mike isn't too far away, he lives on through you, and the love the 2 of you share. Please keep posting, I'm listening and I care

i'm sorry peaches.

i'm sure trippin is right, he's living on in you

what i've always liked to think is that the dead look down on us and know what we are doing.

but maybe that's just me..

[peaches86]

Thank you both so much. I didnt think anyone would actually read this being its so long. Its been difficult in trying to grieve as i never gave myself time to after he passed away. I started dating 8 months after and am with someone new ironically named mike as well and we have been together since. Ive been through so many changes with my personalitiy and its made our relationship difficult. I try to make my fiance now into the man was husband was. He will never be him and i know that. I know its stressful for us both as my fiance feels like he could never measure up but i do love him very much. We have been together for 3 years now and during that time i told myslef i would never marry again as i promised my first husband i wouldnt. But i realize i was young and niave in sayign that...or was i? I just have so many mixed feelings and am soo confused and get lost in thinking about my husbands death rather than the good times we had. Is it posible i blocked all those memories out of my mind being overcome by such tradgedy? If so..how do i get them back? Im so sorry if this seems difficult to follow. My mind seems to take several turns along the way of thoughts. They never seem to slow down for as long as i can remember. Thanks again for the replies

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so sorry, please do keep posting.