[Bobbarita]

I am just at the beginning of a divorce after 20 years. I sensed he was manipulative, judgemental and emotionally abusive 5 years in and it grew worse as my daughter from a 1st marriage (who was 5 yo. when we married) experienced adolescence. Then he became more intolerable and I felt like I had 2 teenagers at home. Time moved on. She moved on. I was 54 years old when dx'd BP1 in 2007 after I escalated for the 1st time, over a period of several months, to delusional mania. Of course, before that dx was Major Depressive disorder. Everything after that was "blamed" on me, as it had been before, now the cry became " Mania, mania, mania!" That was his excuse for every trivial and unnessary argument he initiated. I worked, then had major heart surgery. That and BP1 were the reason I applied for and rec'd SSDI.

He continued to work, retired early, we sold our home and moved south living the "retirement dream" in a luxurious home, no financial issues, etc. I continued with new doctor and was always compliant with meds. His "personality" issues, anger, control increased. Marital counseling was attempted numerous times. He was Jeckyl in the drs. (m.counselor's) office. As soon as the door closed he was Hyde.

My Pdoc had me keeping mood charts and 2 yrs. after the retirement dream move and my reporting of constant marital discord he also had me charting how many arguments we had daily. These were anywhere from 3-6x a day. He would then "treat me" to dinners out, want sex, etc. My mood chart demonstrated that I would begin the day feeling normal or fine, then deteriorate after each argument and end the day at the bottom.

After 3 mos. of this charting the pattern emerged (which had been there all along...). Especially telling was his visit north to family, I had 2 of my girlfriends visit and I was normal for all 10 days he was gone. Before he left for this family visit, his angry parting words were "You're going to argue with your friends too! (1 is my friend of 39 years). "You'll see, it'll end up with them leaving because of "your mania"! As usual, my pdoc-who was not just a "med check" doc, "suggested" that I consider the possibility that if I "changed my environment" my mood swings may be "less of an issue". I then proposed a plan to my pdoc that I bring DH in for a few sessions with me and pdoc agreed, at the same time reminding me he was not a marital counselor. (You see, after the 1st BP mania/dx, DH agreed very wholeheartedly (HA!) that he should be a part of my "careplan", if I became depressed, escalated etc.)

The 3 sessions were telling in that DH dominated the entire 3 sessions and while he remained appropriate, his issues became transparent. After the 3rd visit, DH exited the pdocs office first, I sat behind a few moments, and pdoc and I just looked at each other. Then pdoc just shook his head from side to side (No) and looked down. He told the nurse assistant to increase the frequency of my visits as well as the length. In those sessions we spoke of life in a larger sense, we spoke about courage, and we spoke about change, toxic environments, and happiness. Pdoc then (to my as well as his other pts. chagrin) gave us 2 months notice that he had accepted a professorship at a university and would be moving on teaching and helping others seeking pdoc degrees and he would be leaving the practice.

In addition, he advised even more frequent sessions with me. I gladly agreed. I also again sought marital counseling. I think the straw that "broke the camel's back" was, as I became more courageous, more pro-active in my own recovery, DH shouted, (in addition to the continued daily arguments)," I can't stand the way you are becoming! You're manic, manic, manic! I want you sedated! I like you better sedated!". 3 weeks later I filed for divorce. I am at the beginning of the process. He is out of the house. I have challenges I haven't faced before in the legal process but I am getting help with that and I have the pdoc that took over my pdocs practice. The house is quiet. No more shouting. No more accusations, damnations, ultimatums, etc. I sleep better. I feel more stabilized than I have ever felt before.

In one of our last lenghty sessions my original pdoc said to me, "All and any pharmaceuticals will not change your condition, your situation or your life or your happiness---that's up to you".

This is not going to be easy. The divorce is certainly NOT amicable. But I feel that I am on my way to true healing, better health, and a better happier life. I will always be BP. I will not have an undiagnosed, uncooperative husband who just serves to exacerbate my condition.

[BlueInanna]

Good for you! This must be so tough but you are headed for peace and harmony. I've been procrastinating on a breakup, now it's the holidays, need to wait a bit more. I will get my courage up hopefully sooner than later. And welcome to the forum.

[Trippin2.0]

You are very brave and couragouse, I applaud your efforts toward self-preservation, and self-care. I sincerely hope that you are proud of yourself Please keep posting and to our humble abode

[thickntired]

Hello and welcome!

It sounds like you were in a really toxic environment, and I'm glad you were brave enough to do something about it! Best of luck on the divorce; I guess you're looking for a lawyer now.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC !

Good for you ! Even though you have a mess of garbage ( divorce ) to wade through. You are a strong woman that will make a better calmer more loving life for "yourself"

[hamster-bamster]

You are courageous and independent, indeed!