[purpledaisy]

Maybe I'm a terrible person for feeling this way, but I'm going to share it anyway.

I'm so tired of either being invited to someone's house (on those rare occasions when someone invites me) or looking through someone's Facebook photos that include the interiors of their houses and then thinking, "I'm better than / smarter than / prettier than / classier than / from a better family than / in a higher social class than / make more money than / etc. this person, yet their house is bigger / nicer / cleaner / better."

Anyone else ever feel that way?

I grew up with nice stuff. I have a really nice car.

But my house is small (although it's in an OK area) and older. Good structure. Cute house. It has served its purpose for me raising one child. But it's too small for entertaining and, let's face it, even though I've done a lot of decluttering lately it still looks like I could be on an episode of "Hoarders" because I'm so messy and have junk everywhere.

I went to one house for a Christmas party and I know this person has struggled financial and has been in and out of jobs lately. She hangs out at bars, has missing teeth, she's loud, she's still wild even though she's almost 50, she dresses trashy, yet she is living in a $250,000 house (which, around here, is a mansion).

It's one of those houses with a landscaped yard, it's all-brick, walk-out basement, both levels are finished and classy, the walls have all been painted nice colors, the furniture is fairly new, the colors are coordinated, and there isn't ANY junk sitting around.

Where did I go wrong?

[Yoda]

I used to work with a woman who had a gorgeous house. But she said she and her husband would be working past retirement age to pay it off. Sometimes you may not know the whole story about people.

[wildchild r]

I have felt that way...then I see them from the outside looking in..they aren't so happy,
They go out into the world with painted faces and masks of smiles..Money is thier God..
I know Im poor, yet I am rich in Love from all those who care about me..I have things that cannot be taken away from me..and Im sure you do too..A sense of self worth,a self awareness,that you have so much to offer to the right person when they come along..most of all Respect for your self..I'll be willing to bet, some of the nice things they have thay didnt get doing the right thing.thier world is a dog eat dog world,trying desperately to hang onto thier jobs.Nowdays everyone in the workforce is disposable..keep that in mind,..I hope that helps you feel better.
You are not alone, I have often felt that way, then once you see how thier daily lives go,you will realize you are where you are because thats where you need to be..

[rossiv46]

I often feel jealous of others peoples stuff. I don't think im smarter or anything but I see people with nice cars, toys and I often feel that way. Grass is greener, I suppose.

[BlueInanna]

Yes I feel that way too Purple. I deleted a bunch of fb acquaintances over past couple days for this sort of reason. Tired of all their pics of perfect looking lives, their marriages, their children graduating school, their big family Xmas feasts. I barely know these people and still have about 300 fb contacts, so trimming was good. I know their lives can't be perfect but I'm human and feel jealous and start comparing myself which ends up criticizing myself worse for past 'mistakes' I can never change. I kept people who I enjoy seeing pics of and who I can feel happy for. I kept some people I feel obligated to keep, but found I can unsubscribe to their updates. And I found I can untag myself from bad pics of me.

The other day I opened fb and in the status bar it asked me,"How are you feeling, C?" It was right after pdoc appt and was too creepy. But I had self control and did not write anything there (like F-off fb I hate you!")

I went to an Xmas party last weekend, gorgeous giant house with lights up and perfect furniture, handsome husband, and the wife had some snaggle teeth. She was tall and skinny though with a tiny trashy mini-skirt. Which is fine, they seem like a happy couple early 60's, no kids just them. the husband seemed to have an interest in me, I kept it very professional. But it crosses my mind, how did that lady have such good luck finding a man like him, a musician, smiles a lot, enough money to not have to worry about money, and how nice to have the kids grown and moved out. And then I'm comparing and my life is a crazy embarrassing mess.

Oh well, my friend and I ended up leaving for a local small bar where we were much more comfortable and had a great time.

Have you and I really messed up so bad? No, I don't think so. It's just we all have different paths, and we do the best with what info we have at the time. Or maybe we didn't always do our best, i struggle with that idea, but these are our stories and we can own that. Me, I know I'd be bored as hell in some cookie cutter life, and would probably sabotage to have a more interesting life.

[Clinte89]

Your not a terrible person but like one person has said maybe they are in debt up to there eyeballs and on the verge of bankruptcy there is nothing wrong living in your means. Maybe you just need todo some junk removal really go through it all and that may make you feel better. Just live your life don't live others.

[purpledaisy]

You're all correct. We have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, or whether these people are mortgaged to the hilt, or hate their spouses, or whatever.

Those stupid Christmas letters are another thing that I hate.

You know the ones I'm talking about. The people brag about all of their accomplishments for the year.

I felt like responding with:

Purple finally got back on meds to control bipolar disorder. Went through a period of being a zombie while taking a medical leave of absence from work. The good news is after many meds, she feels somewhat better and was able to return to work. The bad news is she got fired. Again.

Son still hasn't returned to college after dropping out. Never mind the fact that he has a high IQ, was in the advanced track all through school, and graduated early. He's washing dishes at a cafe, is quite unhappy, but refuses to return to collge so he can make a better life for himself.

Son began **cking this year. Good for him. Yes, he got his first girlfriend and Purple gets to hear the sound of his bed walking across the hardwood floor while they get it on.

But that will all be over soon because he is ready to move away from home, breaking his mother's heart and leaving her all alone at the second-most vulnerable and unhappy point of her life (with the most vulnerable and unhappy point being when Son's father kicked her out many years ago).

Purple has carved a nice path from the front door of the house to the couch, where she sits and spends most of her time in front of the TV and computer at the same time. On each side of the path you will find debris from many phases of her life, with much of it depicting this past year and the trials and tribulations we survived. There are papers about her being put on probation a couple of times at work, her paperwork for short-term disability and for getting fired, paperwork for getting unemployment benefits, paperwork from being in a wreck that wasn't her fault but resulted in more expenses due to buying a car to replace the one that was totalled.

Son and girlfriend have left many a lovely mess in the kitchen after they cook their meals. How delightful that they have jobs which can afford them the luxury of buying vegan and organic food, as evidenced by the wrappers and packages that never make it into the trash can and are, instead, lying on the floor for days without the two of them even noticing.

Merry Christmas to your family, and we can only hope that 2013 doesn't suck as much as 2012.

[Clinte89]

I agree I hate those cards they always show pictures of people being happy on the front and it's like if I sent a snap shot of my life and an explanation it would not be very impressive and rather depressing.

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't feel jealous of other people's things. I am pretty messy. I have organizational issues, major ones. And they are getting worse all the time, it seems (like to the point of not functioning at all.) Without assistance it's like a tornado follows me around and I have no idea how it's happening....

But, I don't feel jealous or wonder why. I know these types of people. My father's wife is one. Her house is pretty nice (not my taste in decorating but nice,) and big. But there is no happiness in it. She racked up $179,000 in debt. I know this because that's what my father was trying to sell my mom's house for to pay it off. This debt includes thingsl ike new fridge, microwave, stove, table, sofas, flooring, driveway, trips, presents.... etc..... all of it on credit.... And then they blame me and my family for the reason they don't have money.... hahahahahahaha......

So, your friend with no teeth hanging out at bars probably has 10,000 credit cards all at max. Drowning in loans.

Better to have a small, cute house that suits your family. Get it paid for and after you're gone, your kid gets a house full of happy memories. Big giant house full of fancy furniture equals that it will all be gone one day. That's what happened to my father. Sure he lives in a big house, but he's trapped there like a prisoner..... slave to credit.

[BlueInanna]

Those holiday letters are the worst. My mom and I always made fun of a certain one that routinely came from an old friend of hers. She had 2 perfect daughters with perfect grades and everything. My mom and I would laugh about what if we wrote one @.@

Yours is epic Purple... I could see it make a good book or movie. With so many talented writers here (you and DH being the top 2 that come to mind), we could make something really cool happen I think. Vignettes following real women's crazy stories and how we over come this disorder/illness/gift. Maybe we join in the states as a support group, then to Europe to suprise HB on her holiday, then east to Venus, then south to Trippin and so on. finally in Morocco where i have an awesome wild love affair....haha.. Finally hit it big, get you and DH living where u want, donate the rest of profits to some lost and talented bp'ers trying to get their lives together.

[faerie_moon_x]

I laugh at holiday letters....

One of my aunts sent one this year and in the first paragraph proclaimed that her new nephew (my baby) was born in January... when he was actually born Dec. 28 which is tomorrow. That was when I stopped reading. It's dumb.

My other aunt has a husband who is Mr. Know-it-all. He used to send out a letter every year (and I am not kidding or exagerating,) that was alwasy 5-10 pages long, depending on the year. I think he stopped doing it either because of the rising cost of postage or the fact that the whole family teased him relentlessly. The letter was sent for about 4 years, and then stopped. Thank heavens! But every December I start to get that tingling.... is the giant Christmas letter on the way???

If I sent a letter it would say: "Dear everyone, we did a lot of great stuff this year that none of you are interested in hearing about, so I won't bore you. Have a great Christmas." LOL Saves postage to just not do it.

[wildchild r]

oo wild love affair...ummm Im about due!!!lol

[unaluna]

Best holiday letter ever! Why isn't that in the nytimes??!

[thickntired]

Most all the people whose parties we go to have far fancier homes! But I think we're happier

[bluemountains]

Hi Purple Daisy,
This is a topic I relate to emotionally because of all that it brings up in my past and present.
Anyone who might have read my posts know that I grew up in an abusive situation. My parents were divorced and over the years I spent time in very questionable housing.
I grew up being jealous of families that were "normal" as well as those who lived in big houses.
Fast forward to being married and keeping up with the Joneses. We just recently gave up a 3200 sq. ft house on three acres with an inground pool that included a slide, diving board, and jacuzzi. We could no longer afford that house without putting every penny we earned towards its upkeep. Also, I had to leave my last job, too much stress while I went through med adjustments.
We are still waiting for a short sale approval to go through, but if not, the house will go into foreclosure. I don't care at all. I am so happy to be out of that situation. We are now in a smaller rental house, and I am concerned that at the end of the lease the owner might sell, but otherwise, life is so much better.
Here is my point. Maybe people in huge houses have wonderful lives, maybe they have crappy lives. The bottom line is that we need to find happiness wherever it is, and it is not in material goods.
Bluemountains

[BlackPup]

Love your Christmas letter, it made me smile. Mine would include quiting my crappy job (abusive boss) and not being able to find a replacement and my hubby failing his major exam. On the plus side we are expecting a baby in April ( so an extra 6 months work would really of helped financially). I have no idea how diapers and formula will fit into the budget ( I can't breast feed due to meds). I also have no idea how we will manage to baby proof our tiny house that we rent. Sounds like great material for a Chrissy letter!

As for the OP, I understand where you are coming from. If it wasn't for my BP both me and hubby would be on our way to great careers by now. I do sometimes feel jealous of other people's things but like others have said they have their problems too. My best friend has so much money stress that she has to go back to work 2 months after having her baby. I get to stay home with mine. Of course I don't have a job to go back to even if I wanted to but that's a different story.
I try to focus on the important things in life like friendships and family and I have been blessed with those. In the end money doesn't buy happiness.

[venusss]

Stuff is stuff. It decays. It breaks.

Too many people spend money they don't have on things they don't need (or even want) to impress people they don't like.

here is interesting article: http://www.kellevision.com/kellevisi...an-values.html

(and yes, I miss the early 1990s when we had no fancy budget, when we wanted to see Mall we had to go Germany or Austria), but we had hope, we had idealism and freedom meant more than choice between iPhone and Blackberry...)

One of the best things I ever did was to become a minimalist. Everything I own will fit into 2 boxes, 2 clothes baskets and one duffle bag ... Except for the guitar, and I can strap that across my back. That doesn't mean I'm not occasionally bitten by the jealous bug though.

But, when I think of all I had to sacrifice physically, emotionally, and spiritually just because I wanted to have more than I would ever want, or need, or even be able to use and enjoy, I'm glad I made the choice to disengage from it all because it's not worth all the anxiety, stress and worry.

[faerie_moon_x]

Because we have to move into an apartment soon, we have to downsize. I have a lot of things, many of which were my mom's and she was horder. So not all of it is good. And I'm disorganized, so stuff never went through.

But now moving from a house to a small partment. So, deciding what to go and what to stay. And a lot has to go. And in the end it will be better to get rid of things, because it will make it easier to keep up. Too much stuff drags you down, traps you.

I recommend that people read the book Fight Club (movie is okay, but the book really gets into the point of it,) about how in Western society it is so much about stuff and we forget. Of course, there is a lot of crazy stuff in that book, but a lot of truth, too....