[sweetmadness]

I really don't know how to feel happy at the present moment. I feel like I keep pushing away what's wrong, until I repress or ignore it. Today I had flashbacks of being a teen, when I was in the beginning stages of possible mania. I had so much life, and depth, and awe for the world around me. Maybe it's psychotic depression. Because that would explain the depression...

I also had a lot of fear. Mom was always sick, and often unhinged in a traumatic way for me and my little brother and even my dad who is a great support for me. He's an unselfish man and always had my back, always was there when I needed his support. My mom tried, but she is so delusional that she can't even sleep without moaning. It is very sad, I am trying to let it go and leave mom behind. Because the truth is it's like she's dead to me.

She's dead to me because she isn't her, she's constantly psychotic, more and more even though everyone is nothing but walking on eggshells around her, and my dad supports her though she's not herself, and hasn't divorced her despite her endless attacks and abuses she's not aware of doing, at the moment. I think for the women on dad and mom's side, there is a history or mania and depression. I just need to feel better, I'm so sad right now--I can't even cry. I am so hungry to fill the empty voice in me. I take antipsychotics and stimulants, neither have actually helped or cured my depression. But the anti-depressants such as Prozac, Lexapro, and even Strattera cause dysphoria and mania in me. I become odder than before, a different person almost.

I feel like I have borderline...but the therapist said no and my doctor never suggested it, because my behaviors aren't really extreme and it's nice they don't think I'm a social deviant.

It's just that, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me but I can't see it because....I'm so different. I feel autistic, empty, eccentric, confused, stubborn, somewhat paranoid for brief moments of time, sometimes deviant, sometimes apathetic and then over-emotional...such as in the movie I watched today, ok...It was a movie called Henry, about a man with alzheimers who was reliving his life, it was sad....I just wonder why I could feel something then, but now when I try--I can't recreate it. Is that normal? If it is, then if I'm not hearing voices or seeing things or moody or emotional, what's wrong with me that I need meds?

I mean, does that mean I'm depressed? Abilify is for psychosis and mania mostly right? 30 mgs of Abilify for that, and 20 mgs of Vyvanse to stimulate me so I can do things....I just feel like something is wrong about my medication...IDK why. Like....eek. IDK...my label just changed from schizoaffective to bipolar, so I'm trying to keep up....

I feel better now, after venting. This is part of the problem maybe. I only feel good when I can talk about my own thoughts and have been understood. if I'm listening to other people talk about things I don't understand, or playing loud music, I zone out or can't focus on one thing.

Like today, I had to ask them to turn off the music because I could not think. It was too loud...and I think I angered my friends or something because they don't understand how different and the same I really am.

[Confusedinomicon]

It sounds like you know what is triggering your depression. You mention that your mother. Maybe in therapy it would be helpful to discuss your mom and the hurt you've received from her. Maybe you're so hurt that you're not sure how to move forward. Feeling depressed is exhausting and honestly it's hard to deal with things like loud noises, bright lights and daily functioning. I understand why you'd think the music is too loud.

Sometimes healing emotional woes are the only way to start healing internally.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry that your having trouble. Have you thought of going to a neuro psychiatrist to get a more indepth diagnosis?

Like today, I had to ask them to turn off the music because I could not think. You may want to look into noise canceling headphones. I use them when things are to loud. I don't play music in them if I'm just using it for the noise cancelling feature.

[faerie_moon_x]

Sorry you're having a rough time.

It would be hard to have a mom who has psychosis and who doesn't understand. I think it's like living with someone who has dementia. If you have no way of understanding the issue, what can you do? I'm sorry things are not well at home. I bet your dad stays because he sees that she's ill and doesn't give up on her. It's a rough road to love someone who is very ill, I know that.

I get over stimulated with sounds and lights really easily. I know how irritated I can get when things are over stimulating me, and I can't think. It's like that drowning sensation. It's not something people easily understand unless they go through it. I can't look up the link here, but there is actually a very good video on YouTube by an autistic boy showing what it's like to have over stimulation. He uses a transformer's cartoon in the video as his example.... I would suggest looking that up and showing your friends.

But, it's hard to find those supportive people who even try to understand.

Please do vent here. Talk therapy helps a lot for this very same reason. Getting the poison out is a good thing!

Hang in there! I know you feel all alone in the world, but you're actually not.