i guess this post can be a trigger... but I'm just sorting through my thoughts

I have heard that having a sui. plan is bad. but it's always been a fact of life for me since a teenager. I have had a long time with this... and I have constructed a beautiful plan that I feel has kept me safe throughout the years.

you see, i can not just go out like that. leaving the selfish wreckage behind me. so here is my plan that has kept me safe.

Wow... I went to type this plan of mine and it sounds so selfish!
I'm not going to type it now!

but the premise of the plan was to go away in a fashion that people would think I was living somewhere alone and getting by while I actually went off to do my thing.

I have planned it to take a lot of planning... and that's the part that has always kept me safe. cuz everytime I went to follow through... it always became too much work and I eventually couldn't follow through.

my point is....

should I worry that I actually have had a plan for all this time?

i'm not anywhere near the follow through stage at all. just thinking.....

I have suicidal thoughts and plans. daily . My T is aware as is my Pdoc . They informed me its pretty common in Bipolar to think of things like this.

But they have stressed over and over that if I do anything besides "just thinking" I need help now !

kk........