looking into the his face, I could see the disgust. his eyes told me everything. the look of pure hatred in them. the way he curled his nose at me. the way his lips formed the putred look he was giving me. i noticed all of these things. He didn't have to say anything.

I resigned to his look. Unable to defend myself, because I have come to know that he is right. I was deserving of this look.

I had fought it before, trying to prove to myself time and time again that it was not true. but the only thing I had ever proven to myself was that he was right. He came to his own conclusion for a reason and that reason was true. this is who I am. I can not change that.

I had no choice but to accept it. My belief in it did not come easy. it came through years and years of trying to prove it wrong, to prove that I was not deserving of such hatred. But the only thing I ever proved was that yes, I was in fact that waste of a life, no matter how hard I tried to prove to myself differently.

The moment that one accepts this. that moment that it just clicked. That was the moment that I lost the capability to love. I was fourteen. My love had turned to hatred. I remember this. I could not love. I started pushing. pushing people to go farther, accusing them of being stupid and not knowing how to put me down. I would get into a fight and lose, but the whole time yelling that they sucked at fighting lol. I pushed it to the limit. and then I pushed it beyond. My sui attempt.

after the attempt I went through life like a zombie. for years it was whatever this and whatever that. heavy, heavy into drugs. daily injecting meth without a care in the world. i did not care. it was liberating to feel that way. and when I was eighteen, I told an officer that I had drugs on me because I was tired of living that way and I knew he would take me away from where I was. he did. and I completed the drug court program and never got charged for the drugs I had on me and never used again.

it was then that I learned to live by societys rules, but never changed on the inside.

I think I got the key elements specifically. It hurts to be honest... that's why i think i do it lol.

[BlueInanna]

Maybe you had to learn the hard way? But maybe (no doubt in my mind) you're way more evolved than most, 18 yr old kids hooked on meth do not usually seek help on their own. And with the balls to approach a cop for help?? Be proud of this Dan. Yes there's a lot of hurt and **** in the past, but things like this, wow - you can be proud of these things.

If it's your dad, the man in the past you're talking about, full of hatred for you... I'm sorry you went through that. He sounds like he had his own anger probs that got thrown on you. Parenting has sucked for me. Being the parent of a strong willed meth addict boy myself, at times I want to throw him to the curb. But then he'll come back at me with a comment about how my rage energy is destructive and I need to get a handle on it, and he's right. But then again he has brought meth energy in my house and I can feel it and it makes me crazy. Bringing dealers here, putting the whole family in danger, my poor little 11 year old that can't even ever invite a friend over to play. (not saying you ever did that or not) Parents don't always know what to do, they're just kids in big mean adult bodies.

I wish every kid could just know that they could be comforted with love and smiles from their parents, the real world out there is gonna be mean enough. But sadly the world is just not that pretty and kind.

Thanks for opening up.