I'm having a meltdown and no one to talk to

I have had some ok days with the help of Seroquel and Ativan.

All of the sudden about an hour or so ago I just started losing it.

I started to feel this pressure in my head and in my chest I felt like I could not breathe. I started having bad flashbacks. The grief counselor helped me with this technique for the image of when we found Jason on the floor all blue.

But I keep replaying in my head and it is so real. I'm sitting on the couch he is going up to his room and stops on the stairs and turns and looks at me we lock eyes. He was telling me he was in trouble but I didn't get it. I keep seeing them take him out of the house in the body bag. I am at the door and touching him knowing he will never comeback in the house again. They took my baby my Jason out in a body bag !!!

I feel he is in me and I am feeling his pain and my pain at the same time. I took my PRN seroquel and Ativan. It does not seem to be working. The full reality of what happened is hitting me so hard. At this moment I don't see how I can ever live with this.

My husband says I can't talk to him or cry in front of him he says it is too upsetting. My pastor is recuperating from surgery. My one girlfriend is working. There isn't anyone else.

Tell me this is all a terrible dream ...please please please

Big hugs, Speed. Find something to distract your mind until it's manageable. Go outside, do a puzzle, do math....do something that you have to focus on...at least until this moment passes.

Hey Speed...just a thought here...when spring comes....plant a tree in your yard for him. And watch it grow. It might help.

I was thinking that. I did that for my dad.

(((Speed))) he would probably love if you planted a tree for him in Spring, that's a nice idea Arthur. What about taking his dog on a walk? Can you get out of the house?

I was going to before the meltdown. No nothing seems worth doing

go somewhere secluded and scream. let it out.

I am wondering if this has anything to do with the fact my husband goes back to work tomorrow for the first time since Jason died,

I am on disability and even before Jason died had a hard time leaving the house. Since September Jason was home all day with me , just the two of us. Now it will just be me. What I am feeling I can't explain..... I thought that I was protecting him, I feel I failed Him.
He came in my dream Friday night, he said he made a big mistake and he was so sorry. He was so sad and crying. I told him I knew but I forgave him. I told him I could not change it . I look out at the sky and trees and birds, knowing he will never see these again. Everything is breaking my heart.

I think getting out of the house could help cuz that's where the traumatic images are probably the strongest. Even just some fresh air outside? Are the images like intrusive thoughts? I had those after traumatic time last time my son was hospitalized. I have no answer I'm so sorry, just keep talking.

when i was depressed last time i bought arowana fish .... he is 3 years old now. but i wont suggest it to you if you don't know how to take care of them... if some positive things happened the way i want, this time i am planning to buy golden retriever or poodle... cant decide between these two...

have you tried music,movies will full volume........

^^yes what about screaming? I usually do it in my car, so i dont scare anyone too bad, hurts the throat but its a release, pretty damn good release.

I think getting out of the house is the best idea too. Even if it is hard, it might give you the relief you need. If you have been having a hard time doing that for sometime then it is also probably begging you for your attention in that area of your life. We can only avoid for so long before we cannot anymore and it really catches up with us. ((((Speed))))

I am sure that your husband returning to work tomorrow is a huge thing in this. Can you try to plan out your day tomorrow so you have something to focus on.

Is there somewhere in nature nearby that you could take a walk. Often being in nature helps connect us, calm our energy and slow us down enough. Maybe that would really help.

yup ... screaming works.... i couldnt find place to scream so i just scream inside my head... works just fine ... i imagine myself screaming as loud as i can !!!!!

Yes intrusive thought over and over.

Oh the intrusive thoughts & images drove me crazy. I spent some time in the chat rooms here. Some people had good helpful idea and support. This was a big thing for me, nothing like the images you are battling, but I will tell you how I battled mine.

My son had cut himself a lot and badly, when visiting him in the hospital after, he told me that seeing me just made him feel more guilty and want to stab himself through the arm. The motion he made and the hurt in his eyes, I still start crying now. So I couldn't get that image out of my head, just terrified he was going to do that. Then these intrusive thought started of me doing it to myself, so scary. It was interfering with everything. I felt so helpless like my mind was against me, and the guilt that my baby was hurting himself, and I should be hurt instead of him. I hope I'm not triggering you more, just stick with me a little more, I found a way to "reframe" the intrusive thoughts.

Through the chat room on here, another member (not on bp forum) we came up with a way for me to change the visual of me driving the knife into my arm. Change it to a dagger of violet light that goes through my arm but spreads a healing light through my body. I used that visual whenever the bad one invaded my mind until something happened and the trauma was processed.

Your trauma is so much huger than this. My son came home and I have another chance to save him. I just found out he's tried heroin and live in fear he will die if he continues. Your loss of Jason hits very close to home.

Jason did not mean to die. I just picture his spirit above his body thinking Oh No this was not supposed to happen, mom I'm so sorry. Can you picture that too? His spirit in angel form hugging you? I just know he wants to comfort you somehow. He wants you to stay safe.

Do u think you could vision his spirit angel form when the bad images come in? By no means easy to change intrusive thoughts. And tomorrow is going to be a big one, being there alone. If you can get outside a bit for fresh air and nature. Anika is right about being in nature can help so much balancing our energy. And replenishing our energy. I am praying for you.

Sending BIG HUGS!! I cannot imagine how you feel. I cried all day every day from May until Aug 1 because my daughter left home. Medication helped greatly once I admitted I was suffering secretly (didn't want to stress my husband out). And the days I didn't cry and feel I was so sad I got out in the sunshine or made sure the sun could get in to light the room I was in and when I was engaged in something enjoyable, which for me is reading. Not being alone helped alot too.

The grief counselor did something called E.M.D.R do get rid of the images of him when we first found him. It is something like you describe. When I go back this week I will have her work on these other images.

It is 5:45 am Monday my husband is in the shower getting ready for work.
I hear what you guys are saying about getting out. Everyone including my PDOC, and counselor have told me the same thing. I hope I am strong enough to do so. Like I said I was having a hard time with this before Jason died.
I feel/know if I sit in the house all day the grief will swallow me whole. There is a side of me that just wants this to happen. I don't know why?

Today is a big test !

Good luck on the test, Speed! You can do it!

Well he has left,

I promised to call if things get really bad. Honestly my bed is calling me very loud to come back.

I think at least for now it will win. I see no reason to do anything.

There is so much to catch up on just in the house it is overwhelming. The Xmas decorations are still up. So much housework that has been left undone. My bedroom is a total disaster. I was in the middle of rearranging things when Jason died. I have shoes and clothes all pulled out. The room looks the same as it did the day he died. Now I have no desire to continue with it. I trip on shoes and clothes everyday. For me it feels as if the world and life stopped the day he died.
I am getting by from seroquel to seroquel dose. I have these lofty goals from time to time like the group I started. Heroin Epidemic Action Reform. Our first meeting is February 6. I hope by then I will be in better shape, if not I will have to give the organizer title to someone else.

I hate that I have to be on Seroquel again. I had just weaned totally off and was finally losing weight. That felt so good, it felt like I had broken into the viscous circle.

Life oh my life you keeping throwing rotten lemons at me! Is there a time when you just say enough, I can't take anymore ?????

I am so sorry to hear the pain in your heart. I wish I could something to help - but please know I'm thinking of you

I just couldn't let this one go either. my account was never deleted as promised.. and then I saw this.

SPEED! You need to keep posting on this site. Get it all out of your head. share it when it happens and don't ever let anyone tell you that it is enough. these boards are designed that it won't ever get to be too much. Use it. If you don't share it and let it all out, I'll tell you what will happen. the thoughts will race around in your head, one confusing the other one. eventually these thoughts become broken, bringing with them broken thought patterns and waves of unneccissarily bad emotions with them. they become a cycle that is impossible to get out of without a whole lot of time and effort. Spare yourself this. Keep posting and don't hold it all inside. I made the mistake of holding everything all inside and that's exactly what happened to me. Couldn't just read this without sharing what may help in the longrun.
all the best to you
Dan

Dan,
I am so glad you are still here.Yes I know what will happen if I don't get it out. It will most certainly take over in a bad way.

I did it, after a short nap, I took Jason's boxer out for a walk. It wasn't a long long walk, but the fresh air felt good. It had snowed a little earlier. Now it is overcast and
raining a tiny bit. Not the prettiest days, but the cold air felt good. The dog loved it.

Thanks for all the support

I'm not sure if I'm still here. I'm on talking to Sabby about it.

it's good that you took out the dog. I bet it did feel nice. I used to go running just so I had a place to cry. it's a good therapy, really.