even at my worst what I believed was IT!

I was without confidence?...thats crap! I always had heaps of nouse!...all that emotional energy even at my worst I could fight it out!

flaming balls of fire dripped off me at all times I could ignite an iceberg!...

something has gone wrong...I cannot look people in the eye no more...and likewise they cannot look me back and I see this and I get even more insecure!

I was once for ages once times forever before unbreakable untouchable fearless and now I lock my doors I don't go outside if I don't have to I am exhausted whats going on?

I resent anything thats proving me right!

that there is a better way to live like I fu--ked my version of it right up or something!

and I'm not kiddin' around...this is a real problem...even in suicide I was alive and now I'm beyond suicide and dead anyway!...

is this the real preparation for the real thing?

I have no spirit and this is ripping me apart like the spirit that leaves is only half of it and they just should never be apart not ever and it's not fair and I don't know whats happening to me.

I know I'm ill...but that aint enough to explain it

if all my confidence was false?...then why the F---ck did it bring me here just to cut me loose like I didn't need it from here on when I needed it more than ever?

damn it!

[Yoda]

hey dubblemonkey

Do you think you are manic right now? Has it ever been like this and what helped? Are you on meds that maybe need some change?

Have you been getting enough sleep?

[~Christina]

Awww James

You have been going through so many scarey things lately. Of course it will wear you down, Just breath, stay here, its okay to not want eye contact, I promise for now it is okay, So take that stress off your shoulders for now.
Sending boat loads of good thoughts your way and even more Love

...am I becoming a real person? I don't want to become a real person!

I don't know how to be a real person I don't know how to do it.

anyone here knows me thats obvious I don't know how to do it

what the F--K is a real person anyway?

oops sorry Christina sweetheart I didn't mean that angst at you...

you snuck in there before me

Originally Posted by Yoda

hey dubblemonkey

Do you think you are manic right now? Has it ever been like this and what helped? Are you on meds that maybe need some change?

Have you been getting enough sleep?

I'm manic....

I know this because my sleep has been more intense than my wake and my wake ....has been like I am asleep.

my brain is trying to work out what manic is...?

I do take pills for it but they?...I don't know

[Yoda]

Yep you are manic right now and I am hypomanic, I think. I ran out of pills and that makes me manic. I have been awake for about 30 hours. You sleeping much?

Originally Posted by Yoda

Yep you are manic right now and I am hypomanic, I think. I ran out of pills and that makes me manic. I have been awake for about 30 hours. You sleeping much?

nope...about 30 hours too

[Yoda]

When do you see your pdoc next? Can you call or email?

Do you have the medications that you are supposed to be taking?

yoda...I fly solo....sort of

I put so much more trust in my friends here than any medical people or any medication.

I've been through years of all that up and down and sideways medical.

I have a couple special friends here I check in with everyday and they got their own problems too but they are like my very personal medication...

just sometimes I'm ripped apart in my own world and I don't want to drain them...

so I get a bit more vocal...but it aint all that bad even after so many hours....cos I still got other buddies here too yep

[Yoda]

I have been on pretty much the same meds since 2007 and I do well on those except when I run out. But I had seven years of switching meds every few weeks and was frustrated that they didn't work.

Being vocal is fine. I am posting more right now too. I now call to order the meeting of the wound up people.

I have been playing video games. If I spent as many hours cleaning my house as I did killing Zombies I would have a neat house.

[~Christina]

I'm sneaky like that

[~Christina]

Yoda I am sorry your not sleeping

[Yoda]

I got manic because I was too sick to drive to town to get my meds but now I don't want to take them and go to sleep because I feel good. I don't want to waste time sleeping when I can be awake feeling good. As Bon Jovi says, I'll sleep when I die. Today I am on the internet and playing video games and I like it!

I can't stop staring at that cool cat!

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

I can't stop staring at that cool cat!

Here is another cool cat, a Manx kitten born on my farm.

[Yoda]

More cats.

I am getting tired. I think I need a snack and my meds. Carry on, my friends.