I feel weird. Go back on medications?

Ugh, I feel weird except it's normal for me. Medication did stop it but then I got frustrated, forgot what it's like and maybe even wanted to feel my normal weird feelings of bipolar.

I just feel weird. Is it really effecting my life? No, not really and medication, well adjusting again, could do more damage to my functioning than feeling like this would.

So I answered my question. I'm not desperate enough to take that risk. Lately it's like every other week my brain can't decide. I feel weird. That's all. I seem relatively normal.

Why can't it be easy?

As a med free individual, I feel ya. Keep on keepin on, but if it starts affecting your ability to function, it might be time to get back on the meds.

Because it just isn't easy. It may not be fair either, but bipolar disorder doesn't ask us for our opinion---we're stuck with it.

That said, I honestly don't understand how a true BPer can function without meds. I was such a wreck before I started them, and now......well, I'm still a wreck, but a manageable one. And to think that only a year ago, I was defying the Fates to force me to take pills I didn't think I needed. Now they're my lifeline.

However, because our insight is SOOOO not good when we're unstable, it behooves us to ask advice, which your post indicates you are seeking. Believe me, if you're this unsure about whether you should restart meds, you probably needed 'em six months ago....that's just how this stupid disease works. We stop doing what's in our best interests, then we get stubborn and foolish when we have the least ability to foresee the potential consequences of our bad decisions.

I suppose there are bipolar individuals who truly are able to manage their illness on their own, but I've run across very few. There are some who proudly declare their freedom from meds as they struggle mightily just to keep their heads above water, and they don't realize that others can see the illness manifested in their defiant attitudes, the chaotic manner in which they live, and the disjointed expression of ideas. That doesn't make anyone stupid, or silly, or wrong; it simply makes life with this disorder harder than it has to be.

All this is merely my opinion. I'm a nurse, not a doctor, and I'm not eating out of the hand of Big Pharma. In fact, for the first six months or so after I went on meds, I resented the living hell out of having to take pills to be "normal". I've been good about taking them since the beginning, and I don't manipulate my psych meds like I do some of my other ones; but I was madder than a wet cat about the whole business, and yearned for the time when I'd be "cured" and no longer needed meds.

Now I'm sadder but wiser, and I've accepted the fact that that time will never come. So I just take my handful of sanity every morning and night, and never question whether or not I should experiment with coming off meds because I know what I was like before I started them. But.....that's just me.

Yes, although there is the risk that the combination of a messed up mood plus a medication is worse than the disorder itself and of course, when that happens the doctors don't listen. I've been told no, no, that isn't an effect of the drugs that's just your bipolar. But really, I know who I am and it isn't my first episode or even my second. I know how I react to a disordered mood and I know, even within the disorder, what isn't me. I've experimented with enough intoxicants, some subscribed and some illegal, to know when I'm intoxicated.

I hate that though. If only it wasn't so risky, I might not have to feel so weird!

Oh and I will add my husband thinks I should be back on 'em but I argue and don't know if I won or he just gave up. When I bring up the risks he goes on about advocating for oneself, he does it well but hasnt had the same sorts of adverse and psychotic reactions to medications, but I'm not really able when I'm sitting in a ****ing psychiatrist office feeling hopeless enough to even be there.

hmmmmm................

big, hmmmmmmmmm..........

And you know how us non medicated see it? You may think our "illness" manifest in defiant attitudes. But then I see people who claim how meds work, but then it's drama after drama, sadness leaking through all the Rxs... but so contrained it cannot be expressed, it just hangs there... "I am mess on even on meds" many say, but one has to suspect maybe it's the meds that are part of the problem.

Maybe my ideas are expressed disjointly... but at least I have ideas. I don't thing meds re-joint ideas... again, I really don't see that much difference here between how non-medicated folks express themselves and how medicated ones do (and the only "med" that could kill my surrealistic appeal is one that would kill me).
But I seen spark die in few of my friends who went on meds. And since this once wonderful and artsy person first lost her spark... and then apparently dropped of face of the earth... I just hope she is still there, somewhere.

Seriously, it's not as easy as "true bipolar need meds" (we been over this before so many times...) and "it's the smart choice to take meds"... It's really not.

Sorry, I just find this post bit triggering overall.

cocoa... you need to decide for yourself. If you feel the risk isn't worth it and had bad experience in past? Well, maybe it isn't worth it... there are alternative ways. Maybe time to explore those.
Or maybe just the "learn to be comfortable in your skin". It's how you are... maybe for a reason.

I agree with miner, if it starts affecting your ability to function then you might want to consider meds again but if not just hang in there it will get better. It may take some time but itll get better.

I'm a guy who went over two years without being on any medication at all, I believe I did very well while being off of these medications.
As a result of a serious medical condition I had to start taking psych meds.

I also feel that as long as not taking medication doesn't affect your ability to function you don't need to be taking them.

When amendment I would make to that is make sure that you have people around you that you trust who can tell you whether or not, it is affecting the way that you function and your quality of life.

The Wolf

There are people on meds who struggle to keep there head above water and people not on meds that do the same. Then there are people who are not struggling so much meds or no meds. We are all at different places with bipolar and our lives, we might all share symtoms but we are all still very much individuals. If this was not true and people with meds were so much more above water or stable this forum would have like four or five unmedicated people who be always posting in crisis. That just is not so.

So then if someone does ok with no meds then they are not truly bipolar?

I am not defiant, not struggling to keep my head above water, don't have a chaotic lifestyle, don't really think my ideas are disjointed. I feel pretty stable except when my health issues become a bit much and I can get kinda down after a period of time, which seems reasonable. But if someone said that I must not truly be bipolar? Maybe I am just at a place in my life where I don't need a lifeline. I needed one in the past perhaps, but does that need have to be life long?

We don't even know the exact cause of BIpolar at this point. Who is truly it when we don't even know what it is?

That to me is sort of the same thing as if I said people who still struggle despite meds are just truly weak. Would anyone agree with that? No didn't think so. That just isn't the case.

If meds worked so great then psychiatrists themselves would not bother to mention things like therapy, mindfulness, diet, exersice, stress reduction, but they do.

Anika said it best I think. Good job anika

Ouch. Looks like I spoke out of turn. Guess my filter isn't working very well....my apologies for offending folks.

I can share my experiences with meds.....

my whole life I struggled and failed in life. But as of being 34... meds have given me enough relief that I finally have a chance at being the person that I want to be. it is a matter of feeling relief. they have given me a fighting chance. things really were that bad for me before.

although, sharing some coping strategies would be totally cool on this thread, from people that are able to be med free would be so valuable on this thread.

my ears are open to those that would be willing to share!

to be more specific... how do you handle that feeling when you know that an episode is coming and you feel that panic and that feeling in your bones that you can't do this and you would rather die than go through that again? assuming i'm not the only one who feels that way.

I would love any input on this!

Dan I will answer best I can. I used to feel that way a lot. However that was before I went off my meds. I didn't go off my meds until after I learned a lot of way to get a handle on the moods.

I really took my time to heal from past hurts, events etc. I do not just have a Bipolar 1 dx but also a PTSD dx along with anorexia. So I was a pretty big mess. And I had a lot of areas I needed to heal.

My perspective on life, people, stuff that happens it needed to change, because the way it was wasn't working for me at all. Acceptance was a big thing for me, forgiveness, letting the past go, and learning from everything that had happened.. that was also big, being able to take a bad situation and turn it into a learning experience for myself.

Self esteem, worth, confidence, I had to really work on that too, body image.. all these false beliefs I had about myself that I was clinging to my whole life.

When I started to work on that stuff my thought processes became more obvious to me, where I would use black and white thinking, negative thinking, catastrophizing, comparing myself to others, etc. There was a lot of those types of thoughts, actually those thought distortions ruled my whole thinking. But they needed to be given my attention so I could work on them and change them.

The other stuff just falls into the category of lifestyle I guess, yoga, meditation, being mindful, diet, exercise, and all these things help support all the other things I worked on.

I can't say how I " how do you handle that feeling when you know that an episode is coming and you feel that panic and that feeling in your bones that you can't do this and you would rather die than go through that again?" because it just doesn't get to that point anymore. There were two times where I have worried about falling back into the Bipolar trap over the last year or so, and funny enough they both had to due with my mother visiting which is a highly stressful, triggering event for me.

I came here, posted about it, got advice and input. Tried to work out ways to not let her have this effect on me. Now I still need to work on this, but last time she came I did do better than before.

So basically for me I don't have the episodes anymore, I think I could tho easily if I do not remain mindful of what I am thinking, and what is going on my brain, and my life. All the stuff I worked on took a long time Dan, I spent a few years working on this stuff... I didn't know or expect the outcome to be what it is now. That is where this really paid off for me. I just knew that I had to do something, being a single mom is hard enough, there is no way I could continue the way things were going and I knew my kids needed me to get a handle on it.

You would be surprised how much those things play into your moods. We all know that Bipolar has triggers that set the moods in motion, and sometimes the triggers are so small you don't even see them, and it would seem the moods just take off by themselves. But even if that were the case you can step in and change the course they are taking.

However unlike you I did not feel like I got relief from the medications, I am super sensitive to the medications and every negative side effect it seemed I would get. Most of all a lot of these meds side effects are the same symptoms you are trying to treat. AD's can worsen depression, create mania. Benzos used to treat anxiety can cause anxiety, depression, mixed states. AP's can worsen depression, cause agitation, restlessness etc.
All that happened over the 7-8years that I took meds was a circle of symptoms, trying to treat symptoms with meds that gave me more of them same. And it took me a really long time to figure that out. I used to really think I just didn't have the right combo.. no I tried tons of combos, tried tons of different meds, I cannot even remember all the ones I took. There are literally tons of bottles that I still have that I don't even recognize the name. It was not a matter of right combo for me, rather than the meds were simply making me a lot sicker.

I'd add Dan that I can still feel shifting of the moods, but I don't panic anymore. I just examine what I am doing and thinking, what can be or should be adjusted, if I have been letting some things slide and then I just work on them, and that for me gets me back on track before anything gets going.

I still do get episodes..... I guess for me it's grounding, meditation, knowing it too shall pass. The important thing is to keep myself in the now.

I have plenty of rituals to keep me going. I have my spirituality. Knowing things happen for reason and that one day it will all make sense keeps me going. I try not to oversolve it, or even force myself to feel differently, as I found it often counterproductive. Sometimes feeling it helps you to get over it sooner then trying to supress.... just channel the emotions... art helps. Or physical activity.

Well, for me I am on the super low dose of lithium and when I remember to take it, it does help. I still have my emotions and all but they don't drive me over the edge. I can actually feel the "wall" like a glass wall that holds them back. I think, "Right now I could be losing it, but I'm fine." It actually is a relief.

I actually did re-start again today. I figure first business day of February is a good day to start.

My journey to stable moods kind of coincided with Anika because I watched her on the forum get better and it gave me motivation to work on myself and my behaviors. She also encouraged me to do different things/examine my psyche etc.

There is nothing wrong with taking a substance if it helps. I take lithium because I am easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli and I need something to help me put things into perspective. Knowing the function of the medication and how it has benefited me has given me confidence in knowing that its working.

HOWEVER. Lithium did NOTHING to change my perspective of the world and did nothing to regulate my behavior. Lithium didn't stop me from worrying myself sick. Lithium did not stop my violent outbursts. Lithium did not stop me from putting blame on others. Changing the way I look at the world did. Forcing myself into situations that I'm uncomfortable with helped. Challenging my previous beliefs. Having that desire to change because I finally understood how destructive my behavior was.

Since I've changed the way I think of my illness, I no longer experience really low dips in my mood. I still get low-grade depression but I know that it's because I have low self-confidence and it is not because of bipolar disorder. I also know I am capable of changing that low self-confidence by seeking employment. (In this case) It took me a few months but I'm ready to tackle the world.

It helps to identify triggers and to accept past behaviors. For example, when I felt scared and defenseless, while in a confrontation, I had a tendency to physically fight and harm myself. If I spent too much time thinking about how terrible I was for exhibiting that behavior I would never heal. I would spent too much time ruminating on my behaviors and trick myself into believing that I will never get past it. Instead, I accepted my behavior and was forgiven for lashing out multiple times. This allowed me to move forward and practice healthier behaviors that have now been reinforced. (Thus overriding my old behavior)

This is a long process, but it can be done.

I would not be around if it weren't for my meds. I could not cope being med-free

I think that a lot of us are scared of change. Change = bad things to a lot of us. so the process would be long, doable but long. I know for me, it's hard to commit to something without becoming totally obsessive about it. and being obsessive about something like this may not necessarily be a good thing, considering that obsessiveness over things is one of the goals when pursuing something like this. that leaves a lot of time of on and off... trial and error. it does sound somewhat exhausting, and not to mention that when improvements do happen, there is a sense of responsibility that comes along with it. there are expectations that are created and remorse when one is not able to live up to the said expectation.

how do you deal with these issues?

Ironically, my migraine med is a mood-stabilizer, so I stuck on that. I may try to drop the AD when I am eating, sleeping, and exercising well. And am less stressed from university.

Hello Cocoabeans,
I know what it's like to be both not medicated and not medicated right. Either way I always feel weird, depressed, or "sick". I think it's just part of the illness. So, I would suggest you go back to the meds and keep in contact with your doctor. Life looks better when you are medicated right.
Cat

Change equals scary, but maybe it should equal excitement..something new and different, a journey. Being stuck in the same ruts forever is also a scary thought too. Change isn't bad, it might be uncomfortable, but if you see it as bad that is merely perception on it.

The process might be long Dan, but so might your life be. And really isn't just a part of the process of living? I kinda just see it as part of life. Add up all the time you spent in depression, in worry, in anxiety, in stress, in manic outfalls, crisis. Probably quite a big chunk of time right?

Next.. ahhh BINGO!!!! Responsibility, self accountability. Why are people always afraid of these things. Sometimes I think we just might be afraid of how we project it will feel. Guilt is actually a very useful feeling, I don't think it is meant to hurt you so much but it is there to help guide you when you veer to far from the authentic self. Guilt is not bad when it is actually yours and when you use it as a guide and don't hold onto it longer than you need to.

Obsessions then is maybe trying to call your attention. Your reply dan has lots of thought processes in that maybe do more harm than good. Like this sentence " there are expectations that are created and remorse when one is not able to live up to the said expectation." ~ how do you know that? Maybe it won't be like this, perhaps something you might change might be your reaction to not always meeting your own expectations? That could even change weather you will it to or not.

"being obsessive about something like this may not necessarily be a good thing" When is it a good thing? being obsessive over working on yourself is probably one of the best places to put it if you decide to keep it. Can't really think of somewhere better.

"it does sound somewhat exhausting" Yes but it is not really, and becomes less so after you start, unlike depression that actually is always exhausting, anxiety, stress, worry, catastrophizing the future before it arrives.. are all pretty exhausting. Then there is the relationships and stress with those, you get the idea. How many threads you see here where people are plain exhausted and it is not due to physical exertion or physical illness in most cases.

Dan I pointed out those sentences because those are the exact kind of thought processes that I was being ruled by my whole life. And none of them allow room for growth and can literally hold you back from finding peace, content and even from finding the true self. If I didn't think it was important I wouldn't point it out. And these thoughts are so extremely common we pretty much all have them in one form or another to degrees.

Perception is so important Dan, these things all go together, work together and support each other. You start to change some and it can be like a domino effect, and changes start happening here and over there. It's exciting, and it is pretty powerful.

Depression I sometimes think is an important thing, and it is literally begging for your attention to inner stuff that needs healed, areas of you life that need your attention, maybe even your spirit. And we try to run from it and hide from it. But it just keeps coming back until you really deal with it.. all the areas we try to ignore, push down or push aside. So the depression keeps on showing up.

I don't feel stressed anymore nor do I actively think about responsibilities.

I have taught myself to think in a certain way so my actions become second nature. I struggled with self harm (hitting) and never punished or felt anguish for doing it. I forgave the action and told myself that Im capable of extending the time between self harm. A lot of this is really accepting and forgiving yourself for actions you've done with the open mind that it doesn't need to be the same in the future.

I'm a hitter, too. It's... explosive reaction. Hard to combat because it comes suddenly with no premeditation. I never, ever, ever get that "Maybe I'll just...." It's more like. BOOM!

But I agree you have to forgive and try to work out strategies to either not do it or prevent the explosion.