it starts off as anger.
maybe a little
maybe a lot

but it's anger.
anger is natural
a part of life

but this is not normal anger
cuz i'm not normal
i'm not right

so the anger grows
and it turns to hate
a raging, hateful anger
that has no bounds

I could easily let it out
and burn all the bridges
that I have worked so hard to make

or I could stuff it inside
and turn it on myself

I know that I am strong
and I know that I can handle it
after all, I'm Dan!
I can handle anything.

I've had so many years of practice
handling all of this hate
since I was nine
that was my onset
I have known this kind of rage

I used to let it out
and always found myself in the same place.
alone and hated by others
for what I had done and said

my rage is not normal
it is severe and has no limits
so i focus it on myself
to protect those around me

and it kills me when I do
but I am dan! I can handle it!
at least so i think
and then yesterday happens

it changes me
it devastates me
but as long as it's only me
then I have done a good job

people say to let myself off the hook
but the rage is not done
it has not run it's course

I may cry
and act out
and scream in pain
but it will pass

what are the other options
take it out on someone else?
No one is that strong
and willing to be that kind of sacrifice

it wouldn't be fair
so it's up to me
to suffer with what I created

but....

I just gave advice this morning... twice! about rage.

so maybe I should look at my own advice.

don't let it get that far.
let it out physically before it gets that far
do whatever it takes to physically work it off before it gets that far
never let it get that far

it's all about prevention i guess.
just another thing I have to learn to do
pile it on top of all the other things that i have to do
to maintain a relatively normal life.

I don't like the boo hoo for me way that i get
when i stuff it inside
i hate that kind of attention
but in those times i guess it's what i need

the smartest thing i did yesterday
is finally get off when i did
i don't know what i was expecting
there is no support for that
not when it's severe

so anyways.....
these are my concerns and experiences when it comes to rage.
if you actually read all of this....
you must be really bored!
go do something healthy lol.

[nannywoofwoof]

Actually today I am bored, (day off work) but I enjoyed reading about your rage. I am full of rage at times, and unfortunately I have taken it out on others, whether they deserved it or not?
Rage eats you up inside and turns you rotten and is so difficult to control.
Thank you for sharing.

[kindachaotic]

what you wrote isn't boring.

I guess it is to me. it's stuff that I know so well, that it felt kinda lame to write it. lol

i should mention that the day after this happening is like a day of clarity. where I can see things how they really are.