[AeonDM]

There is that urging desire at this moment that I want to live, to live more. I want more life. I want to be alive, is it what I am desiring or thinking? I am afraid that I might go manic. I am always afraid of manic, of myself when I go manic.

[Travelinglady]

I can understand. I think all of us bipolars begin to worry when our mania is ramping up. But we do want to live, to enjoy life, and not have these depressive times.

I am concerned about your drinking. It ultimately makes things worse. And is not good to take with bipolar meds. Just a comment from a friend here at PC.

[Darth Bane]

Hi psycho-spiritual atheist
so you are afraid of being manic... and i am afraid of being depressed again...
after year you will be afraid of being depressed and i of being manic....

i've had this feeling too.. feelings of wanting to see more of the world, do more things, etc

i know it will probably happen eventually, but it all just takes time- in my situation, i can't just walk outside and see the world.. i've learnt to accept that- but who knows, if i ever get the right amount of what i need, then maybe..

[nannywoofwoof]

I think we all want to live. Being alive is the easy part - actually living a life is more difficult. I yearn everyday to live the way I see others living - laughing, enjoying themselves, going places, joining clubs and socializing with friends. For me it is so hard and I just don't get it. I wish you luck in your journey.

[AeonDM]

I am off meds for more than a year. Meds made me very suicidal. Twice I was ambulance d to the hospital. The third time they lock me up. This was the 2nd time they locked me up.

I know I can't have a normal life like normal people are having. Eg. I recently realize that my wife who loves me very much can never even begin to understand what I am going through and how much I suffer. I have tried all sorts of ways, even with physical violence to no avail, I don't want to go in detail.

Recently I asked myself what to I get out of by trying to get her to understand my suffering. Why do I need that? I realized that there is a need in my humanity that there are people who cares about me and my suffering. I know that I can't have my need met by demanding that she understands me, but I know that she can a least know that I am suffering. I can have this need met.

So I told here that I need to know that I know that she knows I am suffering. Now when she is around me I feel comforted.

I am now toying with an idea I can use psychosis to create my own reality of my life with connections to practical reality. I already have 2 imaginary friend(voices) that are helping me. What is the worst that can happen?