See... here is what happens....
there is too much inside
too much going on and I can't tell if the world is spinning or if it's just my emotions....
and the more I look it in the eye the more powerless I feel towards it.
and I can stuff it.
I can resort to my old style of dealing with it.
but I tend to stare it down
giving it the power over me.
succumbing to it against my will.

and that would all be fine and such...
but then I reach out...
I reach out and there is a price to pay for doing so....

before I could have moved on eventually...
but then I opened up.....
I started letting it out....
and the more I let it out....
the more it overtook me....
until I was a blubbering mess...

and I couldn't get past it...
and time stood still....
I needed someone to hear me....
I needed this to not be in vain....
just someone to say that they understood...
even describe what I was going through...
I needed a buddy through it all...
and the more I let it out...
looking for that person...
the more involved I was in it...

and it made me feel sicker than I was...

I know that I am sick....
but this was on a whole different level...
and I tried to get off...
so I wouldn't do it anymore....
but this place became like an obsession...
and I had to read...
I logged off so no one knew I was on..
and I kept up with the others....

I felt trapped...
I didn't want to feel so sick...
and I was sure it was cuz i kept coming on here...
spilling it all out to everyone....

and it was so confusing...
cuz it was like the more that I opened up... the sicker I got....
that's the price that I paid....

I left myself open and vulnerable....
in the worst time imaginable...

ugh... that's what it was like for me.

that's when I learned....
that I either had to fully give in and give up...
or take some control....

and it wasn't like a lightbulb had gone off....
I was desperate for change....
but....
it started with one thing...
a memory....
a memory of me as a kid...
can you remember being a kid...
the anger, the violence... the attitude...
I have grown so much since then...
but it was that memory...
and there was someone here that gave me back that memory...
and I thank him for it....
there was something in the way....
it sparked a fire....
in that memory of being a kid there is a fire to be sparked....
remember how we felt...
angry and alone...
well, that hasn't changed, right? just us and who we are?
we are still that kid.
and remember how he felt about letting it out?
the inner strength he had against himself?
well, think about it.
he would never have settled for this.
and you shouldn't now.
he would have found one thing...
you know what I mean...
just one thing he would have found, and did....
and that thing defined him...
didn't it?

i think that we have to find that one thing.
that one thing that we have control over.
don't do it for yourself...
do it for that boy inside....

and as that one thing progresses...
let there be another.....
and another....
and do it for the boy that is screaming out on the inside...

this is the secret... i think it's the way
to find that one thing....
it's the meaning of life right now...

a secret thing. one that means the world to you...
it can be a way that you think sometimes...
it can be an emotion that you can control....

it can be anything on the inside....
it can be remembering things too....
you can run just like me if you like! walk then jog then walk again!
you can take walks and cry.
you can go for a run and cry too.
i do it all the time.
you can let a tear fall. just one.

you can do anything that you want to do.
but you can't do it all at once.

just remember that please....
that you can't do it all at once....
and remember....
i am an extremist too...
it's all or nothing with me....
but the meds have helped with that....
i am more in control of that with that kind of help...
that's what the meds do....
they can't fix you...
but they can let you be more in control...
relief I call it...
but the work is up to you....

and it's overwhelming...
thinking of work....
cuz there is so much to do...
but there are blinders....
and we all wear them...
and they need to be big...
so we can focus on that one thing....

it's all about the one thing.
it's the start of something new...
and it's scary.
terrifying.
but so is the life we are living now.
but it's also new.

do you remember what new feels like?
remember what the self destruction feels like?
the way that we would rather destroy something good
before we mess it up...

well that new thing...
it will get a workout...
but it will always be there...
don't worry....
it will always be there regardless....

This is my story.
I'm sharing it with you!
I'm paving this path for myself...
I want you to come with me on this journey!
I won't leave you behind...
I'll keep showing you the path that I take...
and we can figure this out so it can be your path too...

thanks so much mate.

Dan I just don't have it in me right now...

somethin' has wobbled loose inside my head...

that's okay. things come loose all the time for me. but sometimes, they fall back into their proper place when that happens! just have to have some hope!