[Moose72]

Saw Pdoc today. We talked. She seemed concerned. She upped by zyprexa by double what it was, saying it should've worked by upping it by one pill and weird that it hasn't, and told me to have a friend hold all my meds for a week until I see her again. Its either that or inpatient. So my friend now has all my meds. I get to keep my pill box of my daily meds. Ugh. I really hate this. I want to cry. I am at a restaurant with the friend who is taking the meds. He's buying me lunch. Music is playing. Ice tea. Pdoc is pregnant, too, and somehow though I am sui I miss having life in me like that. How did I get here? I'm supposed to email pdoc to say my friend has the pills. Oh how I still wish I had them. I could still buy some. I miss the wind. I want to sleep outside in the cold naked against nothing but that cold, bitter wind, until I am one with pain.

[faerie_moon_x]

Is there somewhere you can go and stand in the wind even if you can't sleep outside?

Knowing you have a friend who cares enough to take your meds to protect you is a good thing. A very good thing. That's one positive thing you can focus on.

And, sometimes we all fall into the holes. It's okay. You are strong and you can climb back out again. You've had a rough year with your health and family stress at home. You're still here. Be kind to yourself.

[Darth Bane]

I miss the wind. I want to sleep outside in the cold naked against nothing but that cold, bitter wind, until I am one with pain.

[BlueInanna]

I'm so sorry Moose. Sounds like an intense pdoc visit. What do you think about hospital again? Would it be safe and supportive and nurturing break for you? Or can you keep yourself safe, and ride out this depression? I'm glad you have a trusted friend to hold the meds and support you that way, sounds like a pretty good friend. I too miss the feeling of pregnancy, carrying new life in my belly. Both of my kids' therapists just had babies, so it's going around. Love you Moose!

[Moose72]

Blue, Oddly enough, she said I don't seem depressed. I can't take anti-depressants, so upping zyprexa is what we do when my mood swings, it seems, anyway.

Hospital would be okay, I guess. I just wonder what would happen at home while I'm away. I guess if I can't make it this week without it, I'll go. I see pdoc in a week. Thanks for lovin' me.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Is there somewhere you can go and stand in the wind even if you can't sleep outside?

Knowing you have a friend who cares enough to take your meds to protect you is a good thing. A very good thing. That's one positive thing you can focus on.

And, sometimes we all fall into the holes. It's okay. You are strong and you can climb back out again. You've had a rough year with your health and family stress at home. You're still here. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, right outside this door.

I'm afraid I didn't get my meds right in the box with the extra zyprexa, but I'm pretty sure I did- what with him taking all the bottles away.

I dunno where this hole came from. I really don't. I really really don't. And to see pdoc want to put me inpatient again... wow. Guess I'm not making this **** up.

[faerie_moon_x]

No you're not making it up.

I think sometimes holes just happen. That's why we have bipolar and are not those non-bipolar people, who only have potholes instead of big gaping maws.

Suicidal thoughts don't always require depression. I know this quite well. I used to get them when manic, like high speed manic. I used to get them just because.... and I mean, full blown thoughts not just those little ones that speed passed. That's why I call it the suicide demon. It kind of has a mind of its own sometimes...

[Clinte89]

HAng in there moose, I think its smart to have your friend hold your meds so you cant hurt yourself. I have had to do that before myself. Im glad you have a good friend. Well hang in there these feelings will pass and I hope soon for you.

[avlady]

You did the right thing by giving your meds to your friend lucky you you have a friend to do so!!!!!!!!!

[Moose72]

I'm afraid now.

[Clinte89]

Afraid of what? If your afraid your going to do something damaging then you need to go to the hospital asap. Please take care of yourself.

[Moose72]

I'm just afraid of all of this. I just saw pdoc. What will I fill my time with until I see her again in a week? I guess I'm afraid of going even more nutso that I already am.

[Secretum]

Hopefully the extra zyprexa will help. I'm proud of you for being wise enough to know that you needed to give your meds to your friend.

Just keep hanging on. Do you have a therapist? Maybe you can schedule an extra session while you're waiting for the zyprexa to take effect?

You're not "nutso". Lots of bipolar patients think about sui even when they're not depressed. I've been having urges myself for the past three weeks, despite being mostly on the manic side of things. It's simply a part of the illness, not a judgment on your character.

Take care, and if the urges get really intense, please consider inpatient again. Stay safe!

[~Christina]

You are doing what you need to so that you stay safe. Focus on the good in all this even if it is hard to find , it is there

[Moose72]

I am not thinking of bad, really. Its just these damned intrusive thoughts. Pdoc asked if they are audible or not and I said not. I wish. That would at least be entertaining!

[Moose72]

I love this song. Found the lyrics online. I have it on CD somewhere.

O Death! rocke me asleep; Bringe me to quiet reste;
let pass my weary, guiltles ghost
out of my carefull brest.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
My paynes, who can expres?
Alas! they are so stronge
my dolor will not suffer strength
my lyfe for to prolonge.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
for I must dye;
there is no remedie.
Alone, in prison stronge,
I wayte my destenye.
Wo worth this cruel hap, that I
should taste this miserie!
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
Farewell! my pleasures past;
welcum! my present payne.
I fele my tormentes so increse
that lyfe cannot remayne.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
rong is my dolefull knell;
for the sound my dethe doth tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
Sound my end dolefully
for now I dye.

[Moose72]

Hmm. Think ill just get drunk.

[~Christina]

Moose , getting drunk is just going to make matters worse .

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Hmm. Think ill just get drunk.

lol thats what i said tonight. and im doing it.

[Moose72]

I think I'll feel all warm and gooey.

[~Christina]

It is your choice

[Moose72]

Changed my mind. Thinking benedryl would be better.

[Clinte89]

Yeah getting drunk when your already having trouble can make it worse, been there done that. Stay safe moose. Nothing but love for you here.

[Moose72]

I think I'll be up all night resisting the box of benedryl that's here. Anything to sedate me.

[Moose72]

Resisting getting harder.