[BlueInanna]

I've come to an end of the road point where I'm about to lose all worldly belongings. I am going to lose my business and my home, my land, my pets. I will pack my 17 & 11 yr old and and myself 1 bag each, blankets and pillows in my small car, hopefully sell my SUV for maybe 5k, and drive. My daughter almost 19 will have to make it on her own with her boyfriend. I used to know how to live homeless 20 years ago, I have no idea now. Best option sounds like a commune where we can help work on the land for our food. I can't think of anyone hiring me while homeless. And I'm a horrible employee, can't stick to a schedule, can't wake up in the morning. And I'm drained, out of ideas for new business to start. My 17 yr olds bp is severe enough that I can't leave him alone for more than a few hours at a time. I have no friends who would take me in. Estranged from most my family with no desire to reconnect. So I need to heal up this horrid sinus infection, sell any belongings possible, file bankruptcy, find a commune to take us in.

[BlueInanna]

My ex, youngest's dad, is homeless down in town, maybe he can tell me where is safe to sleep in the car. Maybe I could get grants or loans and go back to school and finish my degrees. Problem is I can't think of anything I could do to make money except wait tables, any job is really hard to get right now. I think I'm not well right now and best take something to go back to sleep and hopefully wake up to it all just having been a nightmare and my life is really actually ok and something different.

[Secretum]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You're such a sweet person; you deserve a place to live. I hope that you and your children are able to stay safe, and that things turn around quickly for you.

Could you write for a living? Self-publish a book, sell advertisements on a blog? I feel like you have a lot of wisdom that you could share with people via writing.

Please take care. It sickens me that we live in the 21st century, yet we can't find a solution for homelessness. Everyone deserves a warm, safe place, in my opinion.

If I owned a home and was living in the US right now, I would invite you to come live with me. Unfortunately, that is not how things are.

[~Christina]

Blue
I am sorry you are going through all this. I just cant seem to string words together today. Just know I love you and I'm sending good thoughts and love your way

[Pierro]

You sound like such a lovely caring person and I am so sad to hear all your troubles. Ijust hope you and your family will get a break and something good will happen to you all. Im living in Ireland but I can feel your pain.

[BlueInanna]

I'm getting worse, desperate. Waiting for this klonopins to kick in and help me stop being mean to my kids and my mother staying with me. I could t take the stress so how my sister treated me earlier this week, and the attack from ex-H last night. I'm just too sensitive, and I could t be tough like them. I had such beautiful dreams but all is now dust. I ruin everything I touch, fail everything everyone I care about.

[~Christina]

Go ahead and purge out all those thoughts right out of your head.
Your a strong beautiful person, you just cant see or feel it right now.. But you are.

I love you my friend

I'm real sorry Blue and just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope things improve for you soon.

[BlueInanna]

I'm feeling more and more unwell. My thoughts are going violent. If I'm not sleeping I'm crying. I'm having paranoid thoughts. I deleted FB friends I view as extraneous, this included my sister who I love dearly but I believe she's out to ruin me. I believe she's been stealing money from our company together and spending it on starting a new business with her boyfriend. On Monday I will take out the money owed to me by our company. I will start speaking with bankruptcy lawyers, I will get my mother back as much money as possible, I will change salary employees to hourly and begin cutting hours.

I also believe that people with ill intention read our posts here but rarely respond and their toxic intentions get off on watching lives like mine fall apart.

Older son has started up verbally abusing me again. He'll most likely be relapsed on meth within the week. I cannot deal with him I am not strong enough I am an unfit parent.

Losing my sister, who at times was my best friend. I feel beyond sad. And like her, I would end my life if it weren't for my kids. I can't do that to them. At least when my grandma did it, she left money to the 4 older siblings I'd never known. Now she was a successful business lady against all odds. I am nothing but a total failure. I mess up everything.

[Victoria'smom]

Blue,
I will pm you when I wake.

[BlueInanna]

Can't sleep now despite klonopins and ambient and Benadryl. I cannot let these losses of my life's work my family business, losing my relationship with sister, loss of hope for a friendship with exH, going bankrupt and homeless... I cannot let this ruin me. In a way it's what I've wanted, out of the superficial corporate world, away from the stress of running a business with my sister, let go of material bs possessions. This is what I really want. I want things to be very very different. I want to be free from possessions and lies. I broke up with the bf. let him know he'd be paid back his precious money and will never have to see me again, he'll never have to hear me say I want a husband and a family. Next time I say it it will be to someone worthy of hearing it. This will be a new start for me in so many ways. Pdoc says don't make all these decisions right now but too late I'm not going to be the town doormat any further. I will be laughing and giving town middle finger on my way out. Some morbid thoughts but really I don't want to die, I want to succeed in enjoying life with my 11 yr old, I just want things to be very very different. I'm the only one who can make these things different. I need to find the best town anywhere for 11yr old to finish growing up, Maui might be an option if I come up with the cash. Best friend lives there and I miss her terribly.

Oh, sweetie...
Please don't be so hard on yourself, Blue. You are in a very difficult situation. Good people can get in difficult situations. This does not change the FACT that you are a good person! You're not just a good person, you're an amazing woman! Your indomitable fighting spirit is showing here, and it will see you through. It will. I have every confidence in you.

[supernova001]

OMG, I'm so sorry for what you are going through and really lament with you for the amount of stress this must be causing you!

Have you considered applying for temp. disability? I know that takes a while, but it could help down the road especially if it's hard for you to maintain a job. I won't compare your situation to mine especially since you have kids, but I do know what it feels like to lose a lot and have to uproot. As my symptoms worsened and i couldn't hold down a job, I had to give up my career, sell my house, pack up all my belongings in storage and live with my mother till my disability kicked in. This was yrs. ago. There was a time where i had to leave my mother's apt. since she was a major trigger for me and i had to live in motels for a short time. I eventually was able to get section 8 housing and live off my dis. income. I also ended up teaching myself metal smithing and starting a small fledgling online business selling jewelry and other metal sculptures which isn't always doing well due to my mood swings, but it's at least, if anything, a source of focus and creative outlet. It's not the life i had planned and i don't materially have what i once did, but at least i have housing security, independence and med insurance which is the prime reason my doc wanted me to go on disability---so i could afford the meds.

Maybe you could contact an advocacy program that could help get you housing or at least a safe place for you and your kids to go to. I don't know if this program exists in your state, but there is a program called M.A.S.S.H that gets housing for homeless people. My friend who was homeless and has Asperger's was able to get an apt. through them plus they pay like $3,000 for furniture. He's on disability so this program works like a section 8 voucher and pays 60% towards the rent depending on one's income.

NAMI might be able to point you in the right direction as far as gov. programs in your state. Hope this helps and i hope it all works out for you and your family. I wish i could do or say more.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh ((((((((((Blue)))))))))) This is such horrid news
But you are a warrior, even as you struggle to keep your head afloat, it shows, clear as day my dear friend You are an amazing mother, woman, person, it oozes from your posts

Something's gotta give my friend, I pray it gives soon

Will keep you guys in prayer, and sending soothing vibes and positive thoughts your way

[hamster-bamster]

I will send you a list of links in the next couple of days. It so happens that I have a family of friends over for lunch today and they have been researching living in communes for years. They still live in their apartment, though, but they are definitely in the know about communes.

[bluemountains]

Oh Blue, I feel terrible for you that you are facing so many difficulties, and the fact that you are such a kind and caring person is taking means from you. Do you have to pay back the ex and your mother right away? I know your health is really suffering now because of the constant worry and lack of sleep. What amazes me, though, is that you are looking for solutions completely on your own. You are searching for the best way to protect your kids and yourself.
I don't know how shelters, immediate help,etc. work in California; however, here is North Carolina there are programs that provide temporary housing solutions while the families find the means to again become independent. I have volunteered with one organization, helping settle families in temporary housing, providing meals, and helping out with the kids. I am always amazed and humbled at how these families don't lose their spirits.
Keep moving forward, Blue. I wish there was some way I could help you-all I have to to give you are my prayers.

Many, many hugs, and much love!

Bluemountains

[hamster-bamster]

bluemountains gave me an idea.

Santa clara county operates two free motels with food but first you need to become a patient of santa clara county mental health

[BlueInanna]

I'm in Santa Cruz county, next to Santa Clara. I've had my private insurance so I'm not elegible for county mental Heath until I really love every thing and can prove it. They even hold it against you if you own a car cuz you should've sold it to pay for healthcare and food.

I found a commune in Washington where I once lived, but they are looking for wealthy people to contribute monetarily.

I'm still very sick today, sinus and sore throat. But today I need to begin throwing away every possible belonging of this big 4 bedroom house. Maybe we could sell it before the bank takes it. But I grew up here and my mother could never clean nor organize well, there is still stuff here from my childhood. My dads clothes are still here 10+ years since he passed. My sister stores crap in the garage. I'm throwing it all out. I'll order a giant dumpster tomorrow, I forget their rules, I think only you can't put yard waste. But I need to begin filling garbage bags and get crap out of house. My mothers a hoarder so will be difficult with her here, she'll go through every bag I fill. Or I could start up a burn pile in the back yard, today doesn't look like a burn day though.

Bf needs to be paid back, I need that done and over. And I need to get money out of corp account for my mother and Myself before my sister gets to it. I never should have allowed her to be a signer on the account since she's always had spending problems. Oh well. I'm taking some sinus headache med and cough med hopefully will begin working and I can begin emptying the house. I'd like a day without crying today.

[hamster-bamster]

I received one year of free mh care from santa clara county. They did not ask me about a car. When I applied, I had no income. All they made me do was sigh a statement of having no income.

But I did not have insurance.

[BlueInanna]

My friend in your county had to sell her car in order to get assistance it was 3-5 yrs ago. I watched two women do that within past few years.
Maybe they didn't question you on property owned cuz you were going for health care only?

I got out of bed but only cried. My head hurts so bad, the mess is too big. Some pills and back to sleep sound like a better idea.

I'm doing well at forcing the morbid thoughts out of my head. Thoughts like it would be an easier cleanup for my whoever if all the blood were drained from my body like in the bath. Then my body would be lighter and easier to pick up and dispose of. Ok over, can't think like that. I love my kids I want to live I want to live I can't stop crying.

[hamster-bamster]

I received healthcare only.

[bluemountains]

I hope you get the house sold, but if the bank takes it, it's not so bad. That's what we're going through now. The bank wouldn't accept a reasonable short sale offer, so we letting the chips fall where they may. Fortunately no one can take another house we own in Virginia, a family home, because both my husband's and my name are on a note for that one, while the one here was financed only in my husband's name. That house was draining us.
As for receiving aid, even if you can't take advantage of the program that hamster mentioned, I am sure there are others out there. How long will you be able to keep your health insurance after your business dissolves?
I'll bet that hamster will come up with some more good ideas. I remember when she was concerned about housing and I am guessing that she checked out a lot of options, and she knows how the rules work in CA.
As for your family's possessions, if you own the house, give them warning that they must grab their possessions before the dumpster does.
Meanwhile, try to rest and get stronger. Nothing is going to happen today.
Bluemountains