Am I a monster ? Still broken and confused.

bluefish27 · Feb 25, 2013, 07:51 PM

I have been divorced from my ex for 3 years now. But I still miss him and stilllovehim,although I will admit I hate myself for this, I feel ashamed. I should hate him, as much as I'm heartbroken and disgusted, I am also confused and if I'm really honest, still care for him. Am I a monster for this ?He had a drug and alcohol problem. He was also arrested for domestic violence. He popped me in the mouth and gave me a fat lip onceduring anargument. That's not the worst of it. Before that incident, we had a baby girl. I used to come home from work or school in the afternoons and find little scratches on her nose, ears, or mouth, sometimes a little bruise on her cheeks. At first I was in shock. I couldn't put two and two together. It didn't look like she was beaten or anything. I asked my husband what happened because he was with her in mornings.He said he's not sure, maybe she's scratching herself or pulling on her cheeks and ears. I looked at her nails and they were a little long and so I thought, maybe babies do that. So I cut them and put those sock things on her hands when I wasn't holding her. One day I came home and I heard her crying in the bedroom. As I opened the door I saw my husband biting her lips while kissing her and then I saw him sucking on her cheeks like in a kissing way. I screamed at him and took her from him and I said you can't be that rough with her, she's just a baby...look she's scared she doesn't know you are kissing her. You're hurting her !!! I was so mad and hurt. My heart broke in a million pieces, how could my baby have all these marks on her ? It's the worst feeling in the world. Anyway, I told him be more careful and I went on likeusual.It just didn't register right away that he was abusing her. It didn't make sense. He loved her a lot. He always was happy to see her, he always took good care feeding her bathing and massaging her. I never had to get onto him about helping me with her, when he came home from work at night he was so happy and excited to see her. But then it kept happening. Finally I realized this is not ok, this is not normal and I kicked him out and changed the locks. I told him don't come back unless its to tell me to check you into rehab. At this point I thought when he was doing this it must be that he's drunk and doesn't realize how much force he's using. To make a ling story short. He came back after a few days and said that he loves us and he wants to be a good father and husband and please help him. So of course I let him back in agreement that he was going to rehab right away and he was to stop everything cold turkey right then and there. He agreed. It wasn't as easy as I thought finding a rehab for him to go to right away. The first two or three days I was so proud of him he was going through hell physically and mentally but he wasn't using. I thought this is gonna happen he wants it, we are gonna be fine. We will allgethealthier and we will stay together as a family. But on the third or fourth day, I cant remember, he was losing control. He had decided that he was going out with his drug and drinking buddies. I knew what that meant...relapse. 1000% So we started fighting.I said some pretty mean things and he hit me in the mouth and then grabbed a chair and threw it. Then he left to go to his friends. I didn't know what to do. My mouth was busted up. I'm pretty sure the neighbors had heard. So I called a church friend and asked her what I should do. She said if you don't call the police and someone finds out what happened, child protective serviceswill cometake the baby away. So I called them. Hewasarrested that night and held. The next morning the police and CPS showed up at my door saying that I failed to protect my daughter by allowing a domestic violence incident occur in the home where the child resides, and they had to take her and there will be a court date soon. Anyway, long story short. My husband got out of jail a month later. Sober and sorry. Be being completely vulnerable, I took him back and we started fighting to get our daughter back. We went to classes and other things for a year. Soon we started to realize we were so young and screwed up maybe we weren't good parents for our daughter, so we relinquished our rights and chose a family to adopt her. My husband and I both went down hill after that hard and fast. Neither one could forgive ourselves or overcome our demons. He went to harder drugs and drank more and I tried so many suicide attempts. I finally left and tried to have a better life. It's been three years. And I still can't stop missing him and my daughter. I know its easy to see this and judge him and me both. But I know all of him and he always was loving and took good care of us. Yes there were bad really bad and insane moments. But I see him living his lifenow and seems so much better. Am I a monster for missing him ? For loving him ? Am I a monster for not protecting my daughter ? I can't get over this. I struggle daily now. I neverloved anyone or anything as I did my little family. Now we are gone and destroyed. When will I heal ? Would it be completely insane to get back with him and try again ? It would be...I know. When will I stop loving him ? When will I stop missing them both ? When will I be able to heal from all of this ?

hamster-bamster · Feb 25, 2013, 08:37 PM

You are definitely not a monster. You have just had a very, very rough time.

Victoria'smom · Feb 25, 2013, 09:50 PM

None of what you said makes you a monster. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did the best you could. You didn't know what was going on. You'll always think about them because they are the biggest part of your life. Missing important people is not a bad thing.