[dubblemonkey]

...

i guess this is what happens after years of isolation?

yes I know I have these "conditions"!

...but something inside me is not satisfied being classified!

I am equally as un-ill as this mad world is happy amongst itself!

all I rely on down here on the human ground!...all I rely on is emotion!

...crying gets me by for a little bit....laughing gets me by for a little bit too!

laughing and crying are the utimate emotions for any human....it's enough to save lives!

we all strive run our hearts to pieces to find either one busted lungs desperate to breathe a gasp of affection!

...and yet?...I don't know about you?

I am so stuck in between the tears and the giggles....so angry I am so far away for it takes barely a heartbeat to lose touch!

and thats what bipolar does to me...

it takes away my control...

I have no control....

I just have to wait for it to come back...

all my ingenious thinking does nothing...I can not "think" my way out of this situation....

I cannot "feel" my way out of this situation...

it's just survival and being kind to me!

when I see someone else freaking out like I do?

I want to save them...

It occured to me today. I am not hypo... I am not depressed. I am just me. It's been so long that I have just been me, and maybe I can thank the meds for that. But I know better, they surely have helped, dramatically, but they are not the reason that I have had a good couple of weeks. No.... they just made it possible for me to improve.... and continue to improve.

So I have a secret.... and now I share it with you!

............................................................................................................

I am powerless against my emotions... lol... big surprise there!
I am also powerless against my moods... another big surprise! haha

BUT, I found a way to control them! And i really don't care if anyone else agrees, cuz this my personal way. the way that I have found works for me. It's my personal truth, and i share it with you!

There is one thing I do have control over, and it's the key for me.

I can influence my thinking. I can't control it, and I don't want to. It's a powerful force. So I have become like a salesman, influencing it and swaying it to where I need it to be.

BOOM!

it turns out that my thinking directly affected my emotions which in turn would trigger my moods. I know that this has been explained to me before, but I am stubborn and I only learn the hard way.

This is my secret, lol. Influencing my thinking puts a powerful process in motion and I don't have to be in control of it for it to work!

I only started with telling myself it was okay. swaying my thinking to logically accept that everything was okay. that I was okay. that OUTSIDE OF MYSELF everything was fine. And the more I started to believe that, the better my emotions became about it, and it became easier to convince myself of other things too. There was always a part of me that knew it was B.S. but I ignored that part of me.

I ignored it and allowed myself to believe what I was telling myself. and the more I let myself believe, thinking and knowing it was all B.S. at times, the better my emotions became! now I am full of beliefs, and I protect those beliefs at all costs, because it is these beliefs that are keeping my emotions from becoming like an uncontrollable tornado!

Believing these things, like believing that I am okay. that I am worth it. I believe now that I am a powerful force in life and that I can handle what others throw at me! I believe that everyone feels the same way but that they hide it and cover it up.

I have a lot of beliefs now. And that part of me that thinks it's all B.S.? Well, I have turned my anger against that part of me and I keep it in check! It works! I get so angry at that part of me that it doesn't stand a chance. I have a lot of anger lol.

My emotions are pretty much 100% in check right now! My moods are not being triggered by them anymore either! I feel so healthy mentally, and without being hypo either!

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So I have shared my most important secret with you! I hope that you can find something in it. I hope that maybe..........just maybe...........

this was a hard response for me. I have locked this part of me away, and I am not worried about the little things anymore at all. Actually, it's really hard for me to go there anymore. that's why I'm not on the boards as much anymore.

It's more of a part of me that is easier at the moment to just let go of and forget than it is to stay there and dwell.

but I did go there for you, cuz you are worth it. We just gotta get you believing that!

[cool09]

i guess this is what happens after years of isolation?

Not necessarily. Irritability, agitation, rage are symptoms of manic-depression and other mental illnesses. Lots of bipolar people are overly sensitive to lots of things in life which can easily trigger agitation, rage, etc. And once it starts it becomes very difficult to find relief.