[korafrancesca]

It's been two years but I still cringe when I think about it. Two years since I had a manic/psychotic episode where I was convinced one of my very well-known professors at X prestigious university was making advances towards me. I told many people, students, other faculty that he was being inappropriate towards me... and some of them believed me. The worst thing was, I told him as well, which really caused him a lot of stress and the whole time he was trying to help me (a kind soul) because he knew I was in some kind of psychological distress.

That was when I was first diagnosed. Even though I am pretty much symptom free on medication, I keep thinking about to that episode, how embarrassed and guilty I feel about the whole situation. It's caused me so much unhappiness in the past two years. I should have apologized to him back then, but then I was hospitalized, everything spiraled out of control and I never got around to it. I just want to get over it. What can I do? Is it only time that will heal?

[optimize990h]

Hi Korafrancesca.

If you feel a great need to apologize to this professor, then I would write him a short note.
After re-reading the note either send it to him. Or you could burn the note (with a friend or family)as a symbolic gesture that designates the memory as being dealt with.

That is a suggestion, if it is a comfortable fit, then try it.

[Travelinglady]

I like Optimize's idea. As for living with yourself, please remember when we are manic, we are going to act in wild ways. I haven't accused anyone of making passes at me, but I have certainly done embarrassing things. Some folks have lots of sex, even with strangers, spend tons of money they don't have, stand on a street corner and campaign for a city position, etc. We just have to realize it was the illness, and we couldn't help it.

[belledisastre]

I just want to say that, whether you had an illness or not, I'm sure that no one remembers the incident right now. They don't actively think about it now, it happened two years ago and everyone involved is probably a busy person with lots to do and many things on their mind. That incident, I'm sure, is the least of their worries.

Even if you didn't have bipolar disorder & it was you just being absurd, I would say the same thing because it's true. But in your case, it was your illness that caused this behavior, so really it's not even any fault of your own. It's nice that your professor was understanding about the psychological issues you were going through.

Honestly, we can't change the past, but you know, everything happens for a reason. All you can do is learn from the experience, and keep moving forward. Maybe you can write him a letter or email about how the incident was caused by your disorder and you're in good treatment now and are stabilized, and are trying to make amends for the mistakes you made throughout the more unstable points of your illness.
Good luck!

[Victoria'smom]

Does he still work there? If so write a night.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Maybe write him a letter explaining everything and go from there. If you're comfortable with it, you could describe how much the treatment you received helped you, etc.
Time should heal it but as someone who lives with similar symptoms it seems to take longer for us unfortunately. I harp and obsess abt episodes also even years later.

[BlueInanna]

Whether others still think about it or not is too hard to guess and measure. But your struggle and embarrassment are very real. I think a note to the professor is a great idea. Might help you find closure with this difficult time from your past.

[Darth Bane]

not necessary in my opinion... all you need to do is forgive yourself... you are blaming yourself... but it wasn't you but it was your illness... its like PTSD for you now... you keep on repeating same thing again and again your mind.... just imagine it could have been worse... its not like anyone died or something!!!!!

[korafrancesca]

Thanks for all the good advice, everyone. And the hugs are much appreciated

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by korafrancesca

The worst thing was, I told him as well, which really caused him a lot of stress and the whole time he was trying to help me (a kind soul) because he knew I was in some kind of psychological distress.

Most definitely write him a thoughtful note! Since he is a kind guy and since he was aware of your psychological distress, he will most likely respond to you in a way that would comfort you.

[gaia67]

I agree with other that sending him a letter would help provide a sense of closure and help tou get rid of the guilt.

[BeeKeeper]

Adding to the chorus- a note is a really good way to go. I wouldn't write a long involved letter, just a short I'm sorry and Thanks for your help would be enough for him.

Now, as for yourself, it's going to be a long process to forgive yourself. I posted this to somebody else, but I use this phrase (which I broke down, so I could expound on it) to jumpstart the healing process for myself.
-"This horrible, no good, very bad thing happened." That fact will not change. It happened and it ain't gonna undo itself.
-"It was wrong." No ifs, ands, or buts. It was wrong.
-"I forgive myself. I forgive [insert guilty party here]"
-Now, "I turn it over to the universe"/ deity of choice

I use that as a kind of mantra or make myself write it repeatedly, until that thought starts to come naturally whenever the pain or embarrassment bubbles up- because it will never totally go away- and it makes me feel a lot lighter. Not a cure all, but maybe it'll help you get started.

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe start drafting by saying EVERYTHING that you want said, and then slowly work towards being succinct.

You are not in a rush, you have no deadlines, it is a very important process, so take your time.

[cocoabeans]

Why do you think he even remembers you at all?

It was two years ago, it's done. It's over. It happened. Worrying about it or spending time with writing a letter that you may or may not find embarrassing at some future date is only hurting you more.

He probably doesn't remember you or if he does, doesn't think about you much if at all. No one is that grand.

[korafrancesca]

We had a good relationship... I was his research assistant and he wrote me many recommendation letters/gave me advice. That's why it's more painful than just any professor, he was very supportive of me. Plus I think with how insanely I acted, it wouldn't be something to forget.

[BeeKeeper]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Maybe start drafting by saying EVERYTHING that you want said, and then slowly work towards being succinct.

You are not in a rush, you have no deadlines, it is a very important process, so take your time.

This is better than my advice. Do this.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by korafrancesca

We had a good relationship... I was his research assistant and he wrote me many recommendation letters/gave me advice. That's why it's more painful than just any professor, he was very supportive of me. Plus I think with how insanely I acted, it wouldn't be something to forget.

He does remember you. I was in a somewhat similar situation and the guy remembers me after 15 years. Just somewhat similar, but still. He remembers you, I am sure.