[hmbfam]

As I look back and see all the wreckage from my bi polar behavior, I'm having PTSD I think. I wish I was stable after having my 5 year old and 3 year old daughters, but it took multiple dui's, public embarrassment and losing my carrier and financial ruin to get me to the right meds, just 450mg of lithium and 250mg of seroquil to see the world straight like I did before all this happened. What's frustrating is that when I was irritable and ruining relationships and binge drinking I could not see a world where I was just calm. There is now a new me, stable and calm and the world is simple. Its just hard to look all these people back in the eyes after being so crazy but I have to get back out there. My family does not recognize that my behavior was bi polar, they were happy when I said it was all my ego run crazy as it says in the big book, that I took responsibility for it all, but now that I see it's a disease I suppose I'm looking for compassion.

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by hmbfam

As I look back and see all the wreckage from my bi polar behavior, I'm having PTSD I think. I wish I was stable after having my 5 year old and 3 year old daughters, but it took multiple dui's, public embarrassment and losing my carrier and financial ruin to get me to the right meds, just 450mg of lithium and 250mg of seroquil to see the world straight like I did before all this happened. What's frustrating is that when I was irritable and ruining relationships and binge drinking I could not see a world where I was just calm. There is now a new me, stable and calm and the world is simple. Its just hard to look all these people back in the eyes after being so crazy but I have to get back out there. My family does not recognize that my behavior was bi polar, they were happy when I said it was all my ego run crazy as it says in the big book, that I took responsibility for it all, but now that I see it's a disease I suppose I'm looking for compassion.

Congrats on the stability. I know from experience exactly what you are talking about.

The clean-up of the havoc you wreaked in mania has to be one of the hardest struggles of the bipolar experience. Seeking forgiveness and admitting you were wrong we extremely difficult for me.

The rebuilding process (finances, relationships, material things even) takes a while to, but as long as you committed to your treatment and getting well, it will all come with time.

Stay strong, stay dedicated and keep the demons off your back.

Best wishes and good luck, we're all pulling for ya

[manicminer]

Welcome to PC by the way. This place has helped me tremendously. I hope it helps you too

[BlueInanna]

Hi and welcome to PC . Loads of compassion to you, you've been through hell. I hope you will find much kindness here and people to relate to

hello.

and welcome to the site.

sounds like you're doing a good job of recovering.. and that's great.

(((((((hugs)))))

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, welcome to PC!

One of the biggest things is that the majority of people cannot see that many behaviors and issues are a direct result of having bipolar. It's good you took responsability, but that you also know why you were behaving that way.

It is really hard to find people who actually get it. In time some of them might, but it is hard to say.

Just know you're not alone in that area. And congrats on reaching a stable point! You should be proud of yourself.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by hmbfam

As I look back and see all the wreckage from my bi polar behavior, I'm having PTSD I think. I wish I was stable after having my 5 year old and 3 year old daughters, but it took multiple dui's, public embarrassment and losing my carrier and financial ruin to get me to the right meds, just 450mg of lithium and 250mg of seroquil to see the world straight like I did before all this happened. What's frustrating is that when I was irritable and ruining relationships and binge drinking I could not see a world where I was just calm. There is now a new me, stable and calm and the world is simple. Its just hard to look all these people back in the eyes after being so crazy but I have to get back out there. My family does not recognize that my behavior was bi polar, they were happy when I said it was all my ego run crazy as it says in the big book, that I took responsibility for it all, but now that I see it's a disease I suppose I'm looking for compassion.

I know what you mean and you're certainly not alone in this. It can take a long time to get on the right meds, and this has affected me as well. And people often just don't get it.

On the other hand -speaking for myself, I don't know if others have had this experience- I also know that some of my behavior, my not so pleasant behavior, and my thinking, have not all been due to bipolar. It can be hard to parse out what is due to a particular episode or bipolar in general, and what are other -psychological- issues that are also going on. Therapy has helped me a lot with this, with psychological issues that stand apart from Bipolar, although that also sometimes affect it in some way.

The positive of recognizing that there might be other things going on, is that we can work on them (in therapy if you have that). Therapy can help with bipolar disorder -at least in my case- with my therapist helping me to recognize when I'm going into an episode and helping me to recognize the symptoms, but medication -I think- is what is most going to control and/or prevent episodes. But other issues, I don't need medication for them, I can work on them and resolve them on my own, often with the help of a therapist. And that, for me, is empowering. Scary sometimes, yes, but helps me to feel more in control of my now and my future.