Does this sound familiar to anyone?

What is it like?

It's like seeing the world through whatever filter I might be wearing that day. Or even that moment. A snap shot of the world through the wrong filter can lead into a downward spiral of racing thoughts and unrelenting paranoia. I can never trust my own perceptions of the world because that view is inherently skewed. Altered. Modified by something that isn't really real.

I've made decisions, sometimes life changing decisions, based on this altered view of reality. I'm not a good person. I've made bad decisions. Very bad decisions. I simply cannot see how this decision I am making, whatever it may be, is the wrong one. But it was the wrong decision. Why couldn't I see it as wrong? Why is my moral compass so catastrophically broken that I can no longer tell the difference between right and wrong anymore?

I can convince myself in the moment that I deserve whatever it is. That I need it. That there is no reason, at all, that I shouldn't have whatever it is. The thought that I shouldn't have it, or that I shouldn't pursue it, simply does not cross my mind.

And it should. Probably. This is what makes me a bad person I think. I don't doubt these bad decisions. That angel on my shoulder that is supposed to be my voice of responsible reason seems to fly away in the moments when I could most use her guidance.

The devil takes over. And when it's done, when that decision has been made, I can hear the devil laugh. He has won. And I'm just left being that bad person I was always afraid I would turn out to be.

I'm in a stuck dwelling right noew of past mistakes, thinking aobut it all aday. Looking back I don't know what i was doing, who that person was doing that, why she had to ruin her life. And wondering how i'll heal from the gurt ive caused my slef. So yes, i feel you.

I have made horribly bad decisions, through my own incorrect view of reality, mania, twisted thinking, that hurt innocent people and caused ripple effects that have reached through decades.

Was I evil or bad? Looking back, no, I was sick. It doesn't negate the pain or damage I caused but it allows me to at least begin to forgive myself. The self loathing, guilt & shame I imposed on myself made me sicker.

I was recently told to pause, go to my second thought, before following through with the first.

I write out of concern, not passing judgement, I see you are unmediated - are you in therapy or have you tried things that helped in the past?

I've been there, and don't want to go back. There are no guarantees that I won't but I'm sticking with what works, for now. Obviously, not perfect, I never will be.

Many

I meet with my pdoc in three weeks to get on some meds. My psychologist has mentioned several times how much I really need mood stabilizers.

I've been going back and forth on whether I thought I needed them or not since I first made the appointment almost 2 months ago. Somedays I can handle it better than others.

During my last manic period I made some awful, life changing decisions. My mom, dad and therapist say I have to forgive myself because "I didn't know what I was doing". But I did know what I was doing, it was me...just a different me. No one understands the guilt, like carrying around a book bag full of cinder blocks.

I can relate.

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