[bluemountains]

My biggest fear is losing control and crying while working (teaching). It has happened before a couple times, and once it was so awful that I wasn't invited back for the next year.

Today a situation got the best of me. Now that it is the end of the school year we have lots of jobs to do. One is to turn a receipt book that we keep throughout the year used give receipts to children when they bring in money. It is a big deal to keep all of the records straight. When I looked for mine, it was gone, even though I always kept it in the same place. I searched everywhere in my room. The consequences of not turning this in are a report in your personnel file with info. available to all of the administrators. I made the comment that I hoped that the child I have who steals many of my materials hadn't taken it. No one believed me.

Today, I told my class that if anyone found it I would give a monetary reward. Immediately the stealing kid said that it was at his house. He then made up some tale about taking the envelope because he needed paper-he started trying to cover up his confession.

That's the basics of what happened to make me lose it. I still will be "branded" with the county. My principal said that she is the only one who matters with this information, but who knows?

I know that I will just have to live with what happened, and it can be explained if it ever comes up. My real concern is my emotional wellness. I did all that I could to keep it under control. I took an extra klonopin. I did the breathing, the focusing, etc. I managed to make it through the day before crying uncontrollably in my car as well as when I got home. There is only one person at work who knows that I take meds, and she would never suspect that something like this could put me over the edge. She took meds only temporarily because of marriage troubles-quite different.

So here is where I am now. I'm still crying, although now it is just the teary-eyed kind. I took an hour long nap when I got home. I will drink wine tonight. Another thing about my stability is that I have been hearing things that aren't there again. I have always realized in the past that I have made a mistake, This time though, I have had one incident where I was convinced that the situation had occurred. I thought I heard sirens for several minutes, and a few minutes after, I asked my daughter where she thought the sirens went. She said there were no sirens. I thought she was teasing me because I heard them very distinctly. There was another incident where I was sure that my dog was hurt because I thought I heard a dog crying upstairs. Neither of my dogs were up there.

I go to see the new t tomorrow. It will only be our third meeting, so I am not sure if I will be able to share all of this. Also, she will recommend calling my pdoc, as I am sure many of you will, but there is no time during the day tomorrow that I can talk to her privately, and she doesn't work on Fridays.

I am losing control and fearing the worst!

Bluemountains

[Moose72]

Poor blue. I wish I could really be there to hug you after school.

[ultramar]

Hey Blue,

I think you're going to have to try to forgive yourself for this one. It'll be hard to face people at first but I imagine it will pass and be forgotten (by others) more quickly than you'd think. I've flipped out at work before, I've definitely had my moments. Maybe try and keep in mind that they (at work) know you and they know this isn't typical of you.

Are you sure you're sick (bipolar-wise)? Or was this a meltdown in the sense that these things happen (i.e. boatloads of stress, breaking point) however horrible? I know that I've heard things when very anxious/upset, my last psychiatrist told me that can happen with a lot of anxiety. I don't know if that's what is happening with you or if this is part of an episode. Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

Can you take a day off to gather yourself together?

Take good care

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by ultramar

Hey Blue,

I think you're going to have to try to forgive yourself for this one. It'll be hard to face people at first but I imagine it will pass and be forgotten (by others) more quickly than you'd think. I've flipped out at work before, I've definitely had my moments. Maybe try and keep in mind that they (at work) know you and they know this isn't typical of you.

Are you sure you're sick (bipolar-wise)? Or was this a meltdown in the sense that these things happen (i.e. boatloads of stress, breaking point) however horrible? I know that I've heard things when very anxious/upset, my last psychiatrist told me that can happen with a lot of anxiety. I don't know if that's what is happening with you or if this is part of an episode. Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

Can you take a day off to gather yourself together?

Take good care

Thanks, Ultramar,
I'm not sure if stress is a factor or not. Obviously, stress is big now! I have been trying to get meds straight for the past couple of months, but I have had some other medical factors that are slowing the process down. My main concern is that I am beginning to lose control. As long as I feel control, I can handle the ups and downs. I will give it time and try to talk to my t tomorrow.
Thank you for helping me to feel a little more grounded!
Bluemountains

[Confusedinomicon]

Honestly that kind of stress would make me feel a bit crazy because the impact of losing the receipt book is so huge. The fact that you were able to keep your cool and break down away from your students is also huge. It must have taken a lot of strength to stay in the moment and finish the day.

((hugs))

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Honestly that kind of stress would make me feel a bit crazy because the impact of losing the receipt book is so huge. The fact that you were able to keep your cool and break down away from your students is also huge. It must have taken a lot of strength to stay in the moment and finish the day.

((hugs))

Thanks, Confused. It is a new day and I am trying a positive approach. I can usually find enlightening pictures and sayings on pinterest, so I went to that site. Also, I have decided our that family will go to Virginia over Memorial Day weekend because my special, peaceful spot is on a certain stream in the mountains. I will go and renew.

[Confusedinomicon]

That sounds like a good plan.

Plus vacations rock!

[bluemountains]

My day was fine, but my daughter's day, not so much.
She is in high school and sent me a text around lunchtime saying that she was scared because there was a large group of kids who were throwing water balloons filled with bleach, nair, urine, and other gross things. She didn't get hit but friends did.
I went to pick her up early, and saw two boys being arrested at that time. I found out more were arrested throughout the day.
Doors in hallways were locked, so the kids had to travel outdoors to get to classes. This is where the major action happened-and no teachers around to help!
When I arrived, there were a bunch of policemen, but I understand that this took a while to happen.
Bluemountains