Starting new relationships after diagnosis

I was in DocJohn’s relationships chat last night and he answered this question very well for me I think but I wanted to ask forum users the same thing. I’m particularly interested in answers from people who have had experience with starting new relationships after having their diagnosis.

I am really afraid to even start a new relationship now that I have been diagnosed with bp/mi.

Now that I know that I have this sort of illness I have no idea when I should bring it up. I usually just ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the other person but that would lead to the answer “right away”, “very early on” etc…

I feel as if it’s hard enough to find someone without having this cloud over my head. I feel as if most people would bolt when I tell them I have bp even if I tell them that I am on meds and doing well.

I think that most people would need to know you well enough to know that you would actually be a good partner before finding out about your dx but by then they may feel as if you weren’t honest about such a serious condition. Dishonesty is not a good way to start a relationship. It feels such an impossible catch 22.

It is not the same as saying I have diabetes or a heart condition.

How do you know when to disclose?

when you feel comfortable enough around the other person. It shouldn't come up like a warning. get to know the other person first. cuz at first, you both should have your personal boundaries as you get to know each other. over time, those boundaries soften and become less and less, and that is the right time to disclose things like having a mood disorder.

I agree you should not make it a warning. I think you should give it a few dates and consider if you even like a person enough to continue a relationship before telling them. I think only once you feel that this person is going to be around for a while, then you let them know.

I would first say to try to keep in mind that you're the same person now as you were before the diagnosis.

Personally, I wouldn't share this sort of thing unless and until I were in a long-term, stable relationship. I think it's like revealing anything very personal, I just wouldn't to a new person in my life.

Also, a lot of people don't understand bp/mi and in a new relationship I wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable or that they have to be careful around me, or be on the lookout for symptoms, etc. I would want them to just see and interact with me and who I am, and then down the road, we'll see if and when it's a good time to share this.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. On the one hand are the boundary issues of revealing super personal information early on in a relationship, and on the other hand there is a potential perception that you're giving a kind of forewarning: be careful with me, you might trigger me, etc. (not saying that you're saying this, but could be interpreted that way). I'd be afraid that the person would see me differently, through that lens (and I think they would) -again, I would just want them to see me as I am, without any labels, and later on, if it becomes a long-term relationship, maybe the right time will come.

i have the same question, but no answers. curious what DocJohn said though?

Thanks so much for all of these replies. I like the idea of waitng until the person has a feel for who you are and that the relationship is going to the next level before disclosing. It gives me some hope.

Pink&Grey, DocJohn said to wait for a few dates at least.

It's weird. If I only suffered from depression, I wouldn't feel this way. Many people suffer from depression and it doesnt send people running.

One of the reasons I worry about this is also because I have seen many jokes about dating that say things like " If you can get in her bathroom, open the cabinet as soon as you can, then run if needed."

I wasn't DXed when I read those kind of things and I still didnt think it was funny. Now it's even more not funny

There was a guy where I work that had bipolar and everyone knew it because he disclosed to a gossipy coworker. He often had meltdowns and temper tantrums and many people were afraid of him. He refused to take meds. So now most people at work think that bi-polar means out of control. It's sad when that happens and unfortunately it influences people's future interactions with anyone else with that DX. I would imagine that this happens alot on the dating scene too.

I don't really expect people to understand though. It's not their job to understand about every illness out there and many people fear mental illness. I was the same way when I was younger. It seemed very scary to me.

Your concerns are understandable, there is a lot of misunderstanding and also stigma when it comes to mi. But at the end of the day, this person will be interacting with you, not an illness or a label. And to keep it that way, I'd suggest not disclosing until way far into the relationship. I think that once someone gets to know you and like you, the diagnosis won't have the same impact.

I think it only becomes a big deal if you make it a big deal.

I've told people about my MI who I'm not "supercloseandtight" with and they've never had a problem with me or dropped me as a friend because of it. I also don't advertise my episodes to people and there may be huge lapses in time when I see them again. If you mention it, don't go into detail about it until its serious. They don't need to know all your ins and outs.

There is no dishonesty in telling. You are using wrong terminology.

Bipolar is a medical condition and medical information is private and sensitive.

The general rule about giving access to sensitive information is that it should be given on a need-to-know basis.

You will determine at what point the relationship partner or candidate needs to know this info.

But there is no dishonesty - nobody is obligated to disclose private, sensitive info.

this is absolutely, positively, without a doubt correct. I applaud this!