[crazybeautifullife]

I have started writing n erased it over n over n over again... I have so many questions.. Iv been trying to figure myself out.. Obsessively for a few weeks now.. Which is nothing new I do this quite often but it seems to have taken over my life. I read n read n read n read.. But never am I able to use anything I learn to help myself. This illness has me going in nonstop circles.. I know I need help, a doctor, meds, no drugs, sleep, stability, food, but Im not able to control myself long enough to get it.. When my head is clear and not jumping from one extreme (mania) to the next (planning my death), it doesn't last long enough to make an app n actually see the doc. scheduling myself an app for a month later is pointless.. Even a week later is a huge challenge, stress, n commitment. I completely lost control 2 1/2 yrs ago when I had my first n hopefully last mixed episode.. Iv never gotten better.. I just bounce back n forth between super woman (that actually accomplishes nothing even though I'm going faster than everyone else) and planning my own death (which iv come to the conclusion I can't actually pull the trigger so it'll have to be cop assisted suicide..) I rarely have days that are "normal" I'm not even sure if I would know if I did.. I can pick out n recognize when I'm manic n depressed But can't control myself to stop it.. I'm exhausted I'm fighting a losing endless battle.. N my kids n family are paying the price.. Then there's that.. I hate who I am the guilt when I can feel it is so overwhelming I love my kids n family, they don't deserve what I put them thru.. I'm probably ruining my kids who have so much potential.. Let's face it I'm ****in their heads up as if the outside world isn't enough.. Thank god for my mom who provides both my kids n I a stable loving clean home.. If I didn't have her I wouldn't be able to be any kind of a mother n I can recognize this n i hate it but I can't ****in fix myself... I just want fixed.. I want to be free from my mind cuz I can't control it n I'm tired so so so so tired of this obsession with figuring out how to get one step ahead n not one or ten steps behind. If there's a god out there please come help me... I know I'm not crazy but I'm spending more n more time trying to convince myself and argueing with myself if maybe i have lost it n maybe I am crazy.. I just need to clear my brain. everytime i wake up i feel like I'm trying to do an impossible algebra problem only its my life n my thoughts instead of numbers n letters.

[WrongEverything]

Hello crazybeautifullife!

I'm sorry all this is happeneing and it really does seem like a lot for just you to handle alone.

I really just wanna say that you need to STOP. Get a quick moment in to compose yourself. BREATHE!!!

I don't know if that's a hospital or a vacation or your basement reading books, but I really think you need to just take a few weeks and relax, get yourself straightened out.

I think you want to be a good mother, and you can be. You just need to work on you for a minute, and keep your mother as backup. Please schedule that appointment for the doctor, it might be a month away; but, its better late than NEVER, right? You may thank yourself a few months down the road.

Please don't kill yourself! It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it and that's concerning. I really want you to consider talking with someone either theraputically, or for meds. I don't push meds on anyone, but as a last resort (suicidal ideation, etc.) its worth a try.

Above all, please take care of yourself eat good, sleep well, stay on task!

[pink&grey]

I think making a commitment to yourself is the right thing to do. Today, pick up the phone and make an appointment. Write down when it is and ask your Mom to help get you there. Baby steps. Until the appointment just keep on doing little things to take care of yourself. There is hope. It can be different.