[Nessa213]

It's an actual blindness. Like looking through a fog in the most literal sense. What is that? And why can't you make it go away? You blink and see visions. And they don't necessarily go away when you open your eyes. It's a dizzying kind of feeling.

You see reality. You can interact with it and kind of, sort of appear normal. Ya know... until someone tries to talk to you. You can't control the volume of your voice and you say the most stupid things. Your internal filter... the censor... seems to be broken.

If only you could just email people all day and not see your coworkers face to face they wouldn't see the wild look in your eyes. They wouldn't see you fidgeting and unable to sit still. They wouldn't see you obsessively scratching behind your ears. They wouldn't hear you stuttering or tripping over your own tongue. Oh... if only.

I don't like to see the look on everyone's faces. That... pity. I hate it.

[Nessa213]

I should also add that I saw my therapist today. I had some severe communication issues for the first half hour and he ended up having to finish my sentences for me or reword things that I just couldn't get out. After that he did most of the talking actually... which helped.

Just embarrassing. But at least he was one of the people that didn't look at me like that today.

[faerie_moon_x]

It would be great to have a job where if you're having a bad day you could close the door and put a sign "Do not disturb, working on projects." And then just communicate by e-mail. But in reality it's for your own mental health. That would be a great thing.

Hang in there, Nessa. I hate the rage.

[BipolaRNurse]

I lost my last job because I wasn't allowed to do that---some days I could barely drag my butt to work, and others I was so manic that people shouldn't have had to deal with me. The rest of the time I was perfectly capable of handling things.

But on those occasions when I was in bad shape, I'd probably have survived if only I could have shut off the ringer on the phone and locked my office door for a few hours. In fact, when I had my breakdown and was going back to work, my pdoc asked for that accommodation and I was denied. I couldn't perform my job without it, so I got fired.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I lost my last job because I wasn't allowed to do that---some days I could barely drag my butt to work, and others I was so manic that people shouldn't have had to deal with me. The rest of the time I was perfectly capable of handling things.

But on those occasions when I was in bad shape, I'd probably have survived if only I could have shut off the ringer on the phone and locked my office door for a few hours. In fact, when I had my breakdown and was going back to work, my pdoc asked for that accommodation and I was denied. I couldn't perform my job without it, so I got fired.

It's terrible what happened to you at your job.

I always wish there were work environments that were just better for people with bipolar. Perhaps if they didn't try to cram us all into the same perfect little box they'd be surprised what an asset we can be to the world.

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I lost my last job because I wasn't allowed to do that---some days I could barely drag my butt to work, and others I was so manic that people shouldn't have had to deal with me. The rest of the time I was perfectly capable of handling things.

But on those occasions when I was in bad shape, I'd probably have survived if only I could have shut off the ringer on the phone and locked my office door for a few hours. In fact, when I had my breakdown and was going back to work, my pdoc asked for that accommodation and I was denied. I couldn't perform my job without it, so I got fired.

That is absolutely awful what happened, I literally cannot believe that they could do that.

Even in a legal sense, it is simply unbelievable.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

That is absolutely awful what happened, I literally cannot believe that they could do that.

Even in a legal sense, it is simply unbelievable.

Yeah, I wondered how the heck they got around the ADA on that one, so I did some research. Sure enough, they found a loophole that let 'em weasel out of it by claiming the accommodations my pdoc asked for would have created 'undue hardship' for the company, and since I couldn't continue in the job without them, I had to go.

Crap, all I wanted was for someone to run a little interference for me when a resident's family member decided to crawl up my butt for something I had no control over, and to have a couple of hours of uninterrupted work time per day. And that was just so I could take it a little easier until I got stabilized and back up to usual productivity. But no, they couldn't handle that, so they kicked me to the curb.

Ironically, my son (who still works there) told me that three nurses have interviewed for my position since I left, and all three have walked away because the job is too much for one nurse to manage. That gives me some vindication, knowing that I really wasn't that crazy........both my pdoc and PNP have told me the same thing, but until I heard this today I was still telling myself "If only I'd been stronger" and "If only I weren't cursed with this #$&%! illness". Now I know it wasn't JUST me, and that's oddly comforting.