don't even know what's going on

you know, i hate not knowing who i will be in the morning. since I left the hospital three weeks ago I've had no consistency. i went into a short minor depressed episode. then i had some days of normalcy, but the side effects of the meds were too much for me. the pdoc backed them down and now i'm all over the map. depressed on monday, hypo yesterday and today, now feeling agitated and upset.

school is tough right now; my students are all acting crazy because of the nice weather. the teacher i hate who has been backstabbing and talking crap about me all year won employee of the month - i guess you have to be an evil b**** to be a good employee! I had my evaluation and i'm sure it was terrible. but who knows.

i just wish i could get consistency back....at least off meds i had clear episodes. now i just don't know what will happen in a day. i'm much better on meds than off, i know that. but i can see why people go off meds. i do miss hypomania and even mania. i miss getting stuff done and not being so tired. i miss walking normally instead of like a stiffened robot.

i miss the hospital. everything is so much simpler in there. but my husband told me that dcpp (social services) called when I was in and insinuated that another hospitalization would mean they would investigate whether i am a fit mother for my son or not. i don't know if that's true, but i can't take that chance.

what i really wish is that I coudl have gone out on disability and gone to the DBT partial hospital program for awhile. too bad we can't afford that. i hope my summer job will be less stressful for me and that in september things will have calmed down. hey, a girl can dream.

some days i just wish this crap had never started up again. i look at my son and think did i damn him to the same life? If i had admitted I was bipolar, would I have had him? my husband's father and sister are both bipolar. now it turns out i am too. what chance does my son have?

i wish i could get the help I really need. a PHP would be best. adulthood really sucks.

i have to say all this here because i can't get in to see my T until the 25th. i quit IOP so I have no one until then. thanks for listening as always.

I can relate to this to a certain degree. I have probably been three people today at least for all the mood swings going on. It's hard to adjust sometimes. I do get what you mean by understanding why people get off the meds too. I prefer the way hypo feels any day of the week over any of the rest.

I know you weren't looking for advice and obviously I am a wreck so I have none but I think it is good to utilize the forum because it IS like therapy to a certain degree. I hope you get to feeling more balanced soon.

I don't have much advice, but I do believe in the power of music as a guiding and uplifting force (and it can take you the other direction too if you let it). I just saw Streetlight Manifesto in your sig, and this song has gotten me through some dark times- (guess I can't post links yet, but the just youtube "A Better Place, A Better Time" if you're not familiar with the song)
Hope you get it figured out and start feeling better! Continue to listen uplifting (and kickass) music along the way

BIG WARNING! I haven't listened to the song above in a while and apparently when I feel normal(ish) it makes me cry like a little girl.

If you're not familiar, it deal with contemplating that final mistake (that unfortunately doesn't always feel like a mistake). If that might be a trigger I apologize and advise you do not listen to song I referenced above.

I love that song. It makes me feel more hopeful believe it or not. When I went inpatient my brother sent it to me through text message.

Awesome! That good to hear. I sent that message then immediately listened to the song, started bawling and felt terrible I might led someone else down that path.