[gaslightpunk]

Okay, well, where to begin.

I've been told by a few different doctors that I have bipolar disorder. At first, I was in denial about it; I didn't understand anything about what bipolar disorder really is or what the symptoms involve. However, I've been forced to actually sit down and confront this face-to-face, that I have a serious mental illness. And it's crazy, because even though I know I need help to treat this, I still want to tell myself that I'm fine and I don't need help.

I'm a 24-year-old woman. When I was 18 during the first semester of my freshman year of college (which I never finished, btw- more on that later), I started dating a guy around my age (he was 20). Long story short, we started using cocaine. However, I didn't think I was an addict because I only binged on the weekend. I worked and went to school, so I thought I deserved to party. It ended up turning to heroin, and for several months this young man and I went down the typical and inevitable path of destruction caused by heroin addiction. A little over four years ago, in 2009, we broke up. He got clean, and has been clean ever since. He actually just got engaged and had a baby. However, I struggled and continued to use. Since then, I've been in and out of addiction and rehab/treatment/halfway houses/12-step meetings, etc. I was able to stay totally clean and sober for a little over a year. I eventually relapsed and the same miserable consequences kept happening. Now, I am currently at a point where I'm not using except for occasionally a few drinks with friends.

One doctor explained that my addiction has been masking the underlying issue/illness, which is bipolar disorder. I guess it makes sense to me, because I could never figure out why the **** I kept relapsing, even after having a year of recovery under my belt. I've been on medications for depression since I was about 22. The only one that seemed to work well for me was Citalopram (generic for Celexa). One of its side effects was insomnia, which I took trazodone to help me sleep. I haven't taken the Citalopram in about six months now, because it stopped working and it's also become clear to me that I have more going on with me than just simply "major depression."

This illness has devastated me and my family already. A lot of it, for a long time, we thought was just my heroin addiction. I always felt not only full of shame, but just outright stupid every single time I came back to the rooms of 12-step meetings from another relapse. It wasn't that I didn't want to stay clean. Trust me, I did... Oh, God, I did! I would literally just think one day, after weeks/months of not using, "it's a great ****ing idea to go to the city and cop some ****ing dope!" And then, before I knew it-almost like it was involuntarily- there I was, again, in the middle of the ghettos of Chicago's South Side buying heroin and shooting it up into my arm.

I really did believe in 12-step recovery at one point on my life. I was a "living example" of what Narcotics Anonymous could do for someone as ****ed up as I was on drugs. I literally lived it; I would eat, breathe, and sleep NA. I worked my steps with a sponsor, went to meetings daily, did service work, and everything one could possibly do as a member of a 12-step program. However, during that time, it was hard as **** for me; and, it wasn't even the "not-using-but-wanting-to-use" thing. Mentally, I was such a wreck. At five months of being clean and sober, I found myself in a psychiatric hospital because I just snapped one day at work and felt like I couldn't take it anymore. During that time, I lived in a recovery/halfway house, and it just seemed like it was so much easier for all of the other women than it was for me. A few days after I got out of the hospital, the staff person on duty at the halfway house called 911 because of how "crazy" I was acting. Crazy enough, I don't even know why or remember what happened that night.

So, anyway, every time I went back to meetings, people in the meetings always told me that I was doing something wrong. It was always my fault as to why I relapsed, coming back to the doors of NA accepting another white key tag. (In the 4 1/2 years I've been coming around, I can probably make a wedding dress out of the white key tags I've collected.) People told me that I didn't reach out enough, go to enough meetings, quit calling my sponsor, didn't work my steps, etc. But, like I said before, I lived this ****. I talked to someone in recovery and my sponsor everyday, went to meetings daily, and did the steps- twice! So, how come it wasn't working for me? I was numerous people who I used with come into NA get and stay clean. My ex-boyfriend is a perfect example. He's been clean for over 4 years now!

I literally felt stupid. And, I know that I am not by any means stupid. I'm a fairly intelligent person, and have always done well in school when I apply myself. I was in college for a little over two years, but dropped out in the fall of '09 when I was 20 due to my heroin addiction. I want to go back to school eventually and pursue my dream of becoming a teacher. But I have never been able to stay anywhere, hold a job, or have any sort of successful relationship with anyone in the past few years. I've moved at least a dozen times and had more than about 7, 8, even 9 jobs in the past few years. And relationships, well let's just say that I can never keep it together for more than a few months with anyone. This leads me to basically not give a **** and sleep with anyone who wants me when I'm in that state of mind.

And this sucks! It ****ing sucks! I want to graduate college, become a teacher, get married and have a family. I just want to be "normal" -whatever that means- or at least somewhat stable. I don't want to use drugs, and I'm doing okay on the part. It's kind of weird though, because when I do end up doing dope, I get extremely hyper. It's almost like it magnifies what I'm assuming is mania. I can't sleep, my thoughts race even faster, and I talk A LOT. I literally tweak. People I use with are dumbfounded by it, because heroin and opiates typically make you nod out. I haven't been able to catch a nod off dope in about 2-3 years.

And now that I haven't been using... here is what I've been feeling/going through. I have a lot of great ideas and illusions in my head. I was convinced one time that I was going to develop a smart phone app and become very rich. I also convinced myself that Jerry Seinfeld personally owed me $15 million and 4 Porsches and I knew he was going to give them to me once I wrote him. (Wtf? I know, it sounds nuts) I told myself I didn't need to worry about money, so I blew what little money I had. A few nights ago, I couldn't sleep, so I decided it was a fabulous idea to go for a walk at 5:30 in the morning to go retrieve my pants from a friend's house miles away. My mother was so worried about me when she woke up and I wasn't there. I told her, "I just went for a walk" like it's perfectly normal for someone to just go for a walk in the middle of the night/early morning. I've made some incredibly stupid and spontaneous decisions in the past few months.

The guy I was dating, his father passed away about two months ago, so we've been not really seeing each other or having a lot of romantic involvement. He has been depressed, and I am trying to be there for him, yet still giving him his space and let him just come to me. I don't want to push him away. It's so hard because whenever he doesn't text me back right away or falls asleep (which he does frequently because of his work schedule), I freak out and end up crying hysterically, upsetting myself so ****ing bad. Then, he usually ends up texting the next morning... and I wonder why I allowed myself to react that way. But, that's just it- if I could control it or stop it, I would! On Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I called him about 13-14 times between 3-4 a.m., and I don't even know why or what I was thinking. At the time, I always think everything I'm doing is perfectly fine and normal, and there's nothing wrong with my behavior and actions.

Anyway, he told me that we could hang out more if I would act normal and not act so "crazy" and "stalker-ish" (I don't stalk him, he's referring to me blowing up his phone like I said I do), and that he doesn't know if I'm capable of it. I said I would prove it to him. I found myself trying to think "how to act normal," but then I realized I'm simply not normal and for me to "act" normal would be just that- an act. I don't want this to be an act. As I mentioned earlier, I just want some semblance of normalcy in my life. I can't handle this sometimes.

The depression is so bad sometimes I find myself wanting to hang myself. I'm not actively suicidal, but when I get in that state, it sounds like a great idea. It's a really good thing I do not own a firearm. I will cry hysterically when I get in the horrible depression. Then, all of a sudden, I just decide it's a great idea to do something that could be potentially dangerous... like go for a walk at 5 a.m. for no reason.

It's like... my ego is huge sometimes, then the next day I don't want to get out of bed. I found myself sleeping for about 2 hours a night some days, to about 20 on others.

So, I guess I'm here on this forum because I don't know where to begin. I feel so alone and isolated. My family doesn't understand and neither do my friends. I can't "keep" anything or anyone in my life other than my parents. I don't know what to do, or where to begin. I don't have any health insurance, a job, or money, so even going to the doctor is difficult. I'm scared that I will end up losing even more than I've already lost over this. I don't want to draw away the one person I love and want to be with. I don't want my mother to get so sick of this she kicks me out of the house again. I don't want to use drugs and overdose and die. I don't want to kill myself. I know though, that if I don't get help, all of these things will eventually happen.

Can anyone help me out? Does this stuff sound familiar to anyone? Is there hope? I don't have any sort of support here. At least with the drug addiction, I have had people in my corner who understand. However, this has left me totally alone and isolated from humanity.

Any help of any kind would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Wow gaslightpunk. You have a lot to deal with! I don't know how I can help you, sorry. I really hope you get the help you need and deserve, and that you can find some hope inside of you to hold on to. I would definitely see a pdoc if you can afford it, even though you don't have insurance. Meds can really help your mood stabilize and can make it a lot easier for you to have a functioning relationship with your parents. A better environment for you at home will also make it easier for you to achieve your goal of staying clean. I don't know what else to say, other than "stay strong!". And you seem to be doing a good job at that. I wish you all the luck you need to get that semblance of normalcy that you want.

[Darth Bane]

there is always hope. it's just bipolar not cancer. it's something like diabetes, very manageable. as long as you take the meds. it is very uncommon to have no control because of it. but as you said you can have normal periods sometimes as long as year, i think you just need to manage that low/mania when you want to do drugs...

Hey punk, you've already taking the most important step. You reached out. There are great people here on PC, and you will find someone that can relate to you.

When I was in my early 20's, I was using alcohol to manage the ups, it would calm me down. I used it for years, but it got out of control, of course alcohol is a depressant, which w/ enough would trigger a major depression. But I digress.

I do know that drug/alcohol use/abuse can and does mask other mental health issues. I also know that after I stopped drinking, the diagnoses just kept coming. First Bipolar, the BPD and finally PTSD, but it is all managable. Just like my high blood pressure. I need to take my meds everyday, check in w/ friends that care, and just stay connected here on PC.

I would suggest, b/c it helped me to know more, is to research bipolar. Start w/ the info that PC has, then branch out from there. But try to stay on good sites, Like NIMH.org, webmd, etc...

I wish you they best of luck, and I do hope to see post from you.

[redbandit]

Welcome to PC gaslightpunk! I've found this site very helpful in coping with my illness/es. You say you don't have health insurance, if you dont have a job (or fall withing a certain income bracket) you should be able to qualify for Medicaid.
I understand how you feel with the mood swings, I do a lot of similr things. I thought I was the only person who could sleep 2 hrs one nite and 20 the next! My pdoc even was surprised when I told him lol I'm thinking, seriously, please tell me you've seen worse....
Hang in there, you can get through this! I know how hard it is to get others to understand, for me its my friends mainly who I really dont want to share it with. And, well, my family basically all has mental health issues, so they understand, but I feel like my parents try to enable me at times. I graduated college 3 years ago, yeah it took 6 yrs but i wasnt gonna give up. I figured graduating would be the hard part. Maybe for most it is. But it's been hard to find a job in my field, esp with all my health issues. If you ever need someone to talk to, just msg me

[intergalactictraveler]

A good doctor and supportive family and friends are important, but ultimately, you have to accept, totally, the reality of your illness, as well as addiction problems and any other issues that contribute to the illness. I'm not talking tough love nor that you should sink into despair, but try to be clear eyed, clean, sober and realistic about what you're dealing with. Your life isn't over, though it might not be the same as it was before the onset of bipolar, but you're still a good person, a person worthy of love and respect, with talents and abilities that could possibly lead to rewarding, fulfilling work. As best as you can, learn to make peace with yourself and gently try to teach your family and friends about what you have and the challenges you face. And strive to be someone YOU'RE proud of, whether or not people accept you.