sick of this...

i don't know why but i've been going through this cycle recently of being happy, but not manic, in the mornings, a little more hyper around 3-5 and then my mood just drops and by night (like now when i'm writing this) i just get so depressed! i want to hurt myself and feel pain to make it go away too. It helps for a little but then yo get the other things that go with that too and i'm so sick of it . i'm taking meds but nothings changing yet. they are raising the dose but still it's not as good as i expected. i'm scared to change the meds cause everytime i did it was a bad experience. i'm scared i might get really depressed and do sumthing that i can't take back. course when i'm feeling like that my mind only thinks of negative things. then the next morning i'm happy and it's hard to turn my back on what i was feeling the night before. i wonder why i bother and put up with this? then i come to thinking many a negative thing about life in general. so as the subject says, I'm so sick of this! i don't know what to do, I just don't know.

This may sound far from what you posted,but have you had any thyroid function blood tests? Even if within "normal" limits you can be having problems,and a good doc can prescribe meds for thyroid,if he or she further evaluates you,best route if GP says you are fine,is to see an endocrinologist.
For over 10 yrs. I was misdiagnosed,given anti-depressants,didn't work much,only stimulants helped that I got at a bogus weight center(long put out of business)but over time caused further problems,thus being DXed as having Bipolar.
Last week after my GP's assistant had found some nodular growths around the thyroid gland she had me have an ultrasound and see a endocrinologist,outcome was Hashimoto's disease and they finally increased my thyroid meds.
It doesn't mean I'm Bipolar or not,but when first given thyroid meds. my depression had minimized,perhaps even making my psyc.meds more effective,even Pdoc thinks it did.
You'd be surprised how many parts/organs/glands are effected by the thyroid gland,and when out of whack can create all sorts of havoc.
Maybe mention this at next visit,about having your thyroid function bloodwork done, and a good physical exam of the neck and throat area,the docs hand can feel if there are any nodes starting to form.
Sorry,if this sounds off topic,but just had to give you a snippet of things.
I still take my Lamictal,Concerta, and Synthroid(finally a higher dose) seems to haved help with my Bipolar depression to a great degree.
I wish you lots of luck,and invite you to still drop in and talk with us.
Please take care,
DE

Yea, the thyroid can do that to ya. My doc checks mine every three months because I was diagnosed hypothyroid before bipo. But still, I go through the same thing of the daily ups and downs. I think a lot of mine is stress though. I stay at home with two toddlers, am in full time online school to get my business degree, have a lazy insentive husband, no friends and very little support. I wake up every morning happy, but by the end of the day, I just dont want to do it all any more. But I also feel bad on and off during the day too, just not as bad. Like right now, Im doing pretty bad, I just feel so empty and alone all the time and it just kills me. Its so overwhelming. My doc also just added a third med to my cocktail, but I wouldnt take it for a while, I dont want more pills, but then I started wanting to hurt myself so I took the pill. Hopefully, things will just even after a while. Good luck, it'll all get better, it just takes time, just way more time than we all thought.

Hmm. I'l ask my doc about the thyroid thing. My mom thinks that they already checked it but my doc is not very good. After starting a new med a few months ago she misdiagnosed that i was having an allergic reaction and told me it was nothing. it almost killed me but my mom knew better and took me off of it. so after that little thing with her i don't really trust meds much anymore. but i'll ask.

The first pdoc I went to was a complete jerk. He treated me like I was nothing more than a boat payment to him. He was cold and rude, but worst of all he screwed me up so much. First he wants me to switch from effexor to wellbutrin and depakote. He didnt tell me how, so I call back that night and he says to go off it cold turkey!!! I didnt know any better and I did. You CANT cut Effexor cold turkey at a higher dosage.
I thought I was going to die. In two days I slowly got to the point where I couldnt stand, I could barely sit up on my own, I was voimting, had those electrical shock sensations in my head, I was starting to hallucinate, it was awful, but then I called walgreens and the pharmacist told me what was going on, my pdocs office on call doc told me he couldnt help me cause he wasnt my doc so Id have to wait till monday. so I go in on monday and tell him what happened and he yells at me and says he never told me to do that. So I slowly take my time and wean off of it and a month down the road I go in and he asks what meds im on and I say them and happily say "and Im finally off the effexor" and he yells at me again. "why were you taking effexor, I never told you to take that stuff, it can kill you." What the freakin hell, Yea, uh,, my general doc had me on it before I was diagnosed bipo. Uhh, he literally yelled at me like three times, then I finally found a new pdoc. Some docs are awful. My pdoc now is ok, we've butted heads the last couple times, but I think it was mainly me not wanting to take more pills so I just shut her off.