[Warrioress]

I have a dreadful headache at the moment which could be due to too much studying as well as not having access to cigarettes or nicotine gums. I'm also irritable and full of a restless energy. Until a few minutes ago I was moving around my room in circles, walking on the tip of my toes and waving my arms around. Obviously, I was under the impression that I am a ballerina. I do this a lot!

I have some other thoughts on my mind too. Last night before falling asleep I was thinking of the one year that I was med-free. For the greatest part of that year I was in a mild and very pleasant hypomanic episode. Or maybe I was just normal happy. I can't be sure. Either way it was pleasant. Most of the time I acted like a sweet and carefree little girl. It felt sooo good and I miss it At the time I felt like this was the real me and I was being myself without any bothersome restraints. But now, even though I do occasionally feel cheerful and carefree it's always in a cautious and controlled way. I'm always trying to be (or at least act) normal. The knowledge that I'm taking meds and that I depend on them to keep me sane is like a shadow that haunts me all the time.

I don't know how I can come to terms with it. I've never really tried therapy. I remember talking to a psychologist in a local clinic at some point several years ago, but I didn't like her and never went to see her again. Now by chance my karate teacher has recently decided that it's a good idea for us to meet a psychologist once a week to talk about and learn to cope with the stress of competition. I've been thinking I might talk about other stuff with this person. I think she'll be suitable because she sees a lot of athletes and coaches. Sports are such a big part of my life that I would never expect a non-sporty (is that even a word?!) person to be able to fully understand me.

Well, I suppose I just wanted to vent Thanks for reading.

I'm glad you got a chance to vent. I spent a year med free as well, and I was that happy go lucky kind of guy. But, I was really just in a hypo phase. Oh it was great!! Until the fall, and when I fell, I crashed so hard, it was like a meteor hitting the earth. So, I'm back on meds, and starting to feel better.

So Warrioress, if you were diabetic or had high blood pressure, you would have to take meds to maintain, correct? Well these meds are no different.

I hope your headache goes away soon. I hate headaches. It's funny how the mind works, I read cigarette, and reached for one.

Have a good day!

[Warrioress]

Oh yes, the fall! It's been nearly six months and I'm still recovering! Thanks for the sympathy. It means a lot. And I'm glad you're getting better

Recovery is a life time journey. And remember it's the journey not the destination. I do have a questions though, can I PM you?

[Warrioress]

Wise words. Sure you can.