[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I'm really angry! I have been working on my anger for about a month now. Pretty much what has happened is my anger is starting to come out in situations I would normally play it cool. For a month now my support worker and I have been working on why I'm so angry. I personally had no idea where it was coming from. So she asked me to do a timeline of my life from birth to present day. My Dad use to hit me cause I was a bad child apparently. Then u was bullied at school for having a learning disability.... these 3 things all happened one after another all in the same time frame. Then I develop depression and then I became manic and then given this lovely diagnosis!! Well that's the just of things the quick version. Last Friday after sent my support worker she gave me an extra session I was do angry with myself I took it out on myself ad usual.... I banged my head off the wall, punched the wall and slapped my face and head until they hurt/tingled and eventually went numb. It was such a relief to do it. But after a wee while I felt sad and some what depressed.

Today I told my support worker everything. I felt better telling her. But at the sad time I felt sad. What if I can't shift this anger and I'm destined to be angry all the time. I just feel so messed up. The best warped bit is..... my family knows nothing. I can't talk to them at all. I just feel like a big fat disappointment to them.

Is there anyone out there who has a similar situation or who knows how I feel? I feel like no-one knows how I feel

[Victoria'smom]

I had a similar one thing after another developing into a ED @ 8, SI by 11 and anger, so much anger. I did a similar time line thing because T just "didn't get it" and I got mad. After that 12 pg story she was a lot more understanding My extended family didn't know until last November that anything was wrong. I was the kid my parents held up as "be like her" to my siblings. My parents cried when that picture was shattered. But yes I do understand.

[Miss Laura]

Thank you,

My SW has said cause I was being hit in the house and bullied no wonder I resorted to hitting myself/ hurting myself. But its like I can't let it go. I know I need to do it in a constructive way.... but I'm struggling there. I put my mask on and everything is fine. When its not and I'm feeling so rubbish. I'm worried it gets out of hand and I really hurt myself

Any idea what damage I'm doing to my head, by hitting it off of things? I probably have lost a zillion brain cells

[Victoria'smom]

look into getting a sparing helmet

[Miss Laura]

I worry about the damage yet I still do it. I told my SW I kinda get a buzz out of it in a sense. She said she has a duty of care to me and I need to be safe and need to change my habit of hurting myself so change my thinking pattern. I want to stop but I feel I can't. What if I pick up another habit/way of dealing with it all and its the wrong path? I'm not a cutter but I have thought about it

[TippPatt]

Great Idea while she works this out !!

That way she can bash the living hell out of her head without doing too much damage and still feel the 'pressure' of the process while doing no actual harm.

WOW - insight.

BTW - Miss Laura - I have a feeling you're going to find the root of your problem to be lack of self esteem. You were told you were worthless and silly you, you listened. Now you need to learn to not believe what was said to you. Your therapist will help you with that, but yes, get the helmet. Save your head. TBI (traumatic brain injuries) do nothing but make the problems worse. Avoid that by avoiding the damage - and if you must bash - bash without doing real damage.

Hugs hun - believe there is an answer.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks,

Ye my SW has said I have very low self esteem :-( I just wish my head would stop thinking as its thinking too much. SW has said I need to change my thought process, challenge the negative with a positive. She SAS the amount of times I use the word stupid in a sense is unreal. She said she could make a fortune if I paid 20p every time I say I'm stupid. I can't help it. I just think I'm stupid though. SW has said punch apillow instead of a wall.... just doesn't have the same 'ommph' though

[TippPatt]

Ah, I get it - and now you should too - you believed what was said about you, but what was said wasn't true....

It's hard to relearn your entire life. You however can now listen to you instead of them. At your young age, that's a very good thing. It will make your future much brighter learning now that was was said to you so early in life was just wrong.

Now you get to decide who you are. I'd be happy about that if I were you.

[A Red Panda]

Miss Laura, have you thought of taking up boxing lessons? If nowt else.... get some boxing gloves and then punch at at something that has some flexibility! Like an actual punching bag

[Miss Laura]

I guess, its just really hard. I don't think I knew how hard it would be to open this part of me. I have known m SW for 6 months and she has said she has seen a change in me I'm a lot more open especially to her. She is 1 of 4 SW's I get.... however she is the one I have seen the most of recently.

I have had to write all my symptoms of Bipolar out as I'm hoping yo live alone soon and I need to know what t look out for etc. Also she wants me to write protocols for when I'm being to get manic, when its getting worse and when its hit crisis. This all ties in with the anger too.

She has asked if my CPN knows about the anger he does kinda. As does my drama therapist. But in therapy I'm hiding it. I'm in 2 minds whether I should tell group tomorrow at drama about my week, its always spoken about every week??

[TippPatt]

You'll never know how good you feel until you're completely honest with your therapist. It's liberating to just lay it all out there for a disinterested third party to tell you whether or not what you think you're thinking is the strangest thing on the planet or is based on the events of your life and normal because of what you've been through. For me it was an eye opener. I don't think I've hid my disease since that time. I'm honest about it. Mostly because I so deeply want to remove the stigma attached to people like me, the BiPolars, the Paranoids, the Depressed.

After 27 years at least now people can gather and talk about it - admit it to each other in places like this. Before that time you were simply one that should be tossed in a ditch and forgotten about. After all, you were broken.

But, I do agree with the heavy bag idea above. WITH HELMET - lol. I think you'd be able to pound the bejeebers out of your daily troubles without too much hurting. Then, go to therapy and lay out what's going on for you. It could be a really good way for you to understand and overcome. Understand your pain and work it out in a healthy way. One that could last a lifetime if you're so inclined, too.

[TippPatt]

You know Laura, you have group tomorrow. What about taking this whole thread and reading it to them? That could be a good ice breaker for you. It lets out some but not everything all at once.

That might help in group, hun.

[A Red Panda]

May as well just lay it out all for your therapy! They can't help you with their very BEST unless they know the truth about things!

Plus, if you can't learn (yes, it takes time and it's hard to do!) to trust them, then it'll always be hard to take a chance and trust others. You can do it! You've already started by sharing with us

[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

Thank you for your replies. I'm really unsure about telling Drama today. We only sit for about 15 minutes discussing how we are.... then its off to do stuff. I think they won't want to hear about it all

[A Red Panda]

Well tell them about a little bit then You might spark a good conversation!

[faerie_moon_x]

I suddenly became angry and I have the rage now. I know it's coming out of trauma from the bad time in 2011. I'm working to calm myself but now I just get angry at everything all the time.

But, I think about it and I used to be such a calm and level headed person. I wonder if I just was always angry but held it back. But, being bullied from 1st grade on and then my mom was sick my whole life, my dad never understood anything, then my mom died, and then my dad not being there for me emotionally, and then he totally flipped and changed into a new person for my step mom, then my friends turning out to be crap, and then the mistake marriage, losing custody of my oldest son.... I think the trauma of 2011 just broke me. It snapped me. And I think the rage is more than that, it comes from everything and it was just the final straw. You know?

I feel like... I don't want to hold it back any more. If I'm angry, I don't have have to explode. But maybe I have the right to be angry, to have that emtion, to feel upset. And to just discuss it. Be mad, and then let it go. Let it out.

I just have to find the balance, since before I held it in and now I explode.

Just a thought.

[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I spoke a wee bit about not doing too good. I feel really sad today. Quite emotional started crying on the bus tonight. Just feel like the anger is making me feel sad... not depressed just sad.

I understand Faerie!

[faerie_moon_x]

Anger with sadness sounds familiar to me. Hang in there. I wonder if you are mixed? Are you feeling really agitated?

[Miss Laura]

Hey there,

No I don't feel agitated.... just sad. I think I need to cry but nothing is there

[A Red Panda]

Yay for sharing a little bit Miss Laura! I've been feeling sad today too - and a bit grumpy. But I think the grumpy has a bit of a cause to it so I'm ignoring it for now.