[Trippin2.0]

This is a public service announcement, brought to you by Lia! Please be advised that the below post may be triggering to (extremely) sensitive viewers.

Honestly, its nothing graphic, but you gotta be careful especially among such alot of new faces...

So things have been a bit weiiird

Been verbally constipated for almost a month, zero inclination to initiate any kind of contact, except for bf, but even that dwindled in the last 2 weeks... Mind you I had no problem talking your head off when I responded, just "couldn't" initiate any convos.

Been itching to spend money since last weekend, because it would make me feel better, so I stayed indoors and avoided shops all week successfully, because I knew I would give in to the impulse if the temptation was too overwhelming... I needed to feel better because I'm miserable, why? no reason, its just the nature of the beast.

Then about 2 days ago, I had a bpd night, I have them every 3 months or so by the looks of it. When appearing normal i.e. regulating my emotional responses and reactions to my bf becomes too much and I have a *****fit, triggered by something as trivial as an audible sigh.... Well this time, I kind of hurt my arm, nothing serious, dont freak, its just surface runs, none of my calming skills worked and I think the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence kind of spiralled things a bit with all that stuff about blood, and I just wanted a quick fix.

It "fixed" it for about 20 minutes, so I smoked a blunt instead of actual SI...
Yes, I did, my first in idk how many years, and man do I remember why I stopped smoking
Well atleast I was stoned enough to sleep off my mood.

Anyway... that's just back story, a prologue if you will.

The last 2 days my mind has been buzzing, making mistakes at work when I was sure there should be none, but lucky I caught the big ones and fixed them myself in time! Been extra anxious, anxiety is not something I ever complain about, even though I have it daily, I just deal you know? But gosh I've been so jumpy its bordering on embarrassing...

Today is the kicker though... I found myself texting my niece, telling her to fetch me after work, we should go out for drinks. She's obviously puzzled and asked "why?", so I text "I feel really fkd up and just wanna fk it up one time" I had zero problem committing to spending 3 weeks worth of bus fair tonight, with no idea how to replace it!

Well that didn't happen because her mom couldn't babysit, but I realize I meant what I said to her about why...

So I've been really amped all day, came home singing and dancing (headphones) like a lunatic, with this URGE, to get fkd up, and I don't particularly care how. Whiskey, Tequila, drugs??? doesn't matter, I don't care. I wanna dance till the sun comes out or I pass out from whatever I'm ingesting!

I'm miserable inside, but behaving as happy and maniacal as can be!

Its confusing, and I have to do responsible things with money in the morning, and really don't trust myself!

Anyway, I'm just confused and worn out from the chaos, so thought I'd word vomit instead of fixating on the urge to be out of control...

None of this is new btw, this has been going on for years, its still unsettling though, and I atleast mostly try to isolate when I get sudden urges to get messed up.

Honestly, I shudder to think what I would get up to with more opportunity and less controlfreakness.

Ps. I dont have a history of drug and alcohol dependancy/addiction/abuse, thats why these urges are weird.

*End word vomit, wash, rinse and dry hands

[~Christina]

Trippin

Well you are just in a bit of a mess. I could ramble on about it do this,do that , try this, try that. Shyt they are all just words and right now I just want to load you up with love and hugs!

I'm always here for you Sis ,anytime for any reason

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks, and I like being loaded up on love and hugs I love you too sis.

Just gotta cage the beast for a few more days, she goes away eventually

I was thinking do hair (mine and Jordan's), nails, spring clean my room, and only take enough cash to pay for what I need tomorrow...

That should keep me "caged" long enough for it to be too late to make idiotic plans...

Both plans to get fkd up failed, my niece has no babysitter and my cousin has to study... Maybe I should believe in signs

Its almost 1am, and I'm irritated because I can't sing and dance, Gary has work in the morning

Buuut then again, I'm always irrifukntated

Thank you for your continued love and support, you're always giving even when you should be on the receiving end.

[BlueInanna]

Awe Lia - I so relate!! You know my recent crazy antics from FB! I need to slow it down a bit before I do something really regret. But just had to cut loose and live and have fun. Wish I wasn't so easily bored. Hang in there, you're a good woman and mother, have some blunt and wait for the chaos to pass. Luvya sistah

[Victoria'smom]

I hope things return turn to normal soon.

[dubblemonkey]

...

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks C and MM

So Saturday has been a riot

I've been irritated to my core all day, probably BECAUSE I've been keeping myself on a leash.
Go figure

My mom's voice, kitchen cupboards, Jordan's footsteps, Gato being a cat... argh, really, everything is an irritation.

I've been unreasonable today, mom, Jo and Gato weren't impressed, so I managed to go hide in dreamland for a bit, but now I'm utterly exhausted. Its like sleeping made me tired, I'm very sure I wasn't tired before I napped!

Oh well, atleast I managed to stay in doors.

[~Christina]

I often flip out if i hear a fly taking 3 steps on a window ledge outside through double windows.. I can relate .

Take advantage huge advantage of dreamland right now! Do you realize I can fly and come see you for $2293.40 .. Do not temp me

[Trippin2.0]

I didn't realize that, no and of course I'd tempt you, I'd be crazy not to try

[~Christina]

hehehe

[Victoria'smom]

That's when I lie and say I have a migraine to have everyone leave the house. Athena's a dog so I make them take her too.

[Trippin2.0]

I forgot about that trick! I haven't done that in ages... Thanks for the reminder MM

[pegasus]

Ahh... ((((((( Trippin ))))))) Be gentle with you.

[Trippin2.0]

Doing my best peggy Thanks

Things are subsiding today... Irritation is still at a peak, but nothing I can't handle

Ooh ooh, and I was responsible with money!
Took Jordan with me and explained we shouldn't stray from our very strict list

It was hell, but I really don't wanna be broke with my bday paycheck, so that motivation helped a ton.

[A Red Panda]

Congrats on the self-restraint!!!

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks a bunch Ches It was no easy feat

[~Christina]

Well done Sis !

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you Thank you