[Nessa213]

So my husband and I kind of got into tonight. Again. For what he says is the millionth time. Essentially I was upset by his drinking. I felt he was drinking too much and when, after he grabs his 8th beer out of the fridge, I said "I thought you said you were just having a few?", he launches into this thing about how he doesn't have a problem, and this is really all in my head.

But the point is...

After 45 minutes of both of us more or less breaking down he said "this whole thing started when I said I didn't want to go to your cousins wedding around Christmas time". And I froze. He said that I had freaked out then. Panicking like he'd never seen before. He said that I said I didn't love him at one point during that conversation.

He also said that we've had this drinking conversation at least 15 times in the last two years. I mean... I remember some of them. But maybe like 3... literally.

How can I completely not remember the episode at Christmas?? And how can I not remember any of these other "freak out" conversations?? How much else have I forgotten??

[A Red Panda]

Do you know what I find more disturbing than your forgetfulness (and fyi, I consistently forget things that I've been upset about within a few days...)... is that he's said that you've had this conversation about HIS drinking at least 15 times.

And he hasn't figured out yet that it's an issue and that he NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!

[Nessa213]

Exactly what i thought too! His arguement is that since it's not usually during the week and limited to the weekend that it's ok. He says that he always has control. Which I guess is true. So I try really hard (like REALLY hard) to not bring it up. If he says it's been 15 times, then it's probably closer to 50 that I've WANTED to say something.

[A Red Panda]

Well here's a question: does he drink solo at home all the time, or does he at least go out with friends?

And just because he binges on the weekends doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. If he's at home for you to be upset at, then really he SHOULD be focusing on doing things with his family...

[Nessa213]

He does both, really. If I'm there or not he still will. And he also goes out with his friends. And really the reason that it got to me was because this entire weekend he'll be out of town with his friends.

I don't like to tell people what to do, I really don't. I think I should accept a person for exactly who they are and if I know that something I said or did makes someone change what they REALLY want to do, it just tears me up.

I just get concerned is all.

[A Red Panda]

It's a valid concern... and he's ignoring your own desires. How often do you and your husband just hang out and enjoy being with each other? He shouldn't really need to have a lot of alcohol when he's at home if no one else is drinking.. it's not like you guys will go into party-mode. Like... I enjoy alcohol, but if I'm having a drink by myself? It's only a few and not to the extent of being drunk. I enjoy the taste, but have no reason to be drunk when I'm just chilling on my own.

I'm sorry that it's such a negative situation though... as neither option you're left with is good.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, I agree it's a problem he is in denial about it. When the same problem keeps coming up it's a real problem.

The forgetfulness thing.... when I was an older teen around 18 years old I was having these freak out/black outs. I dont' know what they were of course since I never got treatment (story of my life,) but I would have these anger episodes and have no memory of it. Me and my dad had a couple of big blow outs, one at my step-mom's house. I only remember being told about them. I had my cousin stay with me that summer because I'd also go somewhere and forget where I was. I went to the store 2-3 times and forget why I was there, where I was, how I got there. So, my cousin just kind of lived with me for about a month, since my dad was always staying with my step-mom (they were just dating then.) We were really close and it was summer break so his mom didn't care.

Anyway, that's the one that sticks out most in my mind. I have no answer, but your story reminded me of it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I used to dissociate during arguments and that caused me to forget what I said or sometimes forget the whole argument with hubby. He does the same thing, says "we've talked about this twenty times" or says I said something I don't remember. Unfortunately my hubby doesn't believe me when I say I forgot.

Just wanted to tell you you're not alone in the forgetting department.

[roads]

Alcoholics tend to say the same things when they're arguing--whether it's about not doing social things with the family or defending their drinking, over the years their words become set into "speeches." It's easy to forget how many times you've heard the same thing, over & over.
You may forget some things, though--bipolars do & our meds cause some of that.

Eight beers a night? I'm an alcoholic (recovering, 20 years last March)--Nessa, he IS the one with the problem, drinking and memory. It is a typical ploy of the alcoholic to double-talk the significant other into believing they are the one with the problem, the one causing the problem, the one at fault.

Eight beers a night? You, dear Nessa, aren't the drunk one.
Roadie

He's in denial, Nessa. One of the stages of alcoholism, I think. I wish Leed would come
on here and give you some helpful information; she's been through much of what you're
talking about.

One thing I know is don't blame yourself and don't question yourself. If you're living
as best you know how to live, he's got to manage his own problems, and I know that
it will get worse unless he does.

Leed might get to this to help you, too. I hope so very much.

[Nessa213]

Thanks so much everyone for your responses.

I feel like I should clarify (even though my friend at work says that I defend him and make excuses for him too much) but it's not that he drinks every night. Because he doesn't. Maybe twice a week. But when he does, he usually just GOES. He'll come home with an 18 of Bud Light and THAT'S his Saturday night.

If it's 8... that IS a light night for him.

I just hate that he's so much in denial. There's literally nothing I can say to him... and I feel like I'm running out of patience.