[BinaryMan]

After yet anther tiff with the gf, I am googling what's going on inside my head trying to figure out how to make it all stop. What is Me? What is the Manic Depression? Do I have some Paranoid Personality Disorder mixed in? What if I just have Borderline Personality Disorder? WHY DO NONE OF THESE DESCRIBE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH!!!

Everything I read about Manic Depression indicates that I should be hyper sexual. But I am not. My gf has a much higher libido and besides that when she is insistent about sex I start to feel like I am being controlled (even if I want it) and I just want to get away which drives her up a wall.

So what about Paranoid Personality Disorder? I always think I am being controlled or manipulated or that someone else is always taking credit for my work. (though long after the fact I always find out they credited me) so on the surface it seems to fit. Except for the depression and euphoric manic states.

And forget about BPD. The more I read about it the more confused I become. Some sites make it seem like a catchall for when the pdoc cant really figure you out, then others say it is a very distinct illness that is often misdiagnosed. I don't know what to believe.

I am just SICK OF IT! Sick of it all!! Things were just fine before I started living with people again!! When I was on my own I didn't have to worry about what other people thought about me! I could just stay in my home and play vidgames all day and I WAS HAPPY! New SW:Battlefront came out? Weekend of bliss. I never worried about what I ate! I never worried about what time I went to bed! And I sure as hell didn't worry about OTHER PEOPLE. If they thought I was weird or a hermit, well screw them. As long as I had electricity, some junk food and a high speed internet connection I was king of my world.

Then I moved in with my girlfriend and the fights started. Daily, hourly, fights. We fought about dishes, what I ate, about "us" time, about getting healthy, about X, Y and sometimes Z. And these fights would repeat themselves over and over again. I got angry, really angry and slammed doors and threw cups and yelled in her face. I always thought it was HER FAULT that I was so angry. Looking back I feel so much shame. However, a long way down the line I did admit I had a problem and sought counselling. That's where the Bipolar dx came from. But still we fight. I keep myself from being violent or yelling now that I am aware, but it is still a fight. It happens over and over again about the same things. And it is driving me mad (madder?).

I don't want to flipping care about this crap anymore! I just want to lock myself in a room with my gaming computer, some mtdew and doritos and just tell the rest of the world to **** off. What the hell is that? Anti-social? I don't really care at this point! I just want to be left alone and to my own devices!!

[A Red Panda]

I just want to remind you that not everyone will have ALL the symptoms of bipolar, and that the symptoms can present different ways. You don't have hypersexuality? That's ok! I don't have problems with aggression, nor do I have much grandiosity at all (as in, the closest I tend to get is thinking that I'm fairly awesome - but even at my most hyped up, I NEVER ever think that I'm "above" people or better than others in any way).

I wouldn't worry too much about labels. I'd just work on trying to get your anger under control! That's what your T should be able to help you with.

[wildflowerchild25]

I agree with red panda. Don't get caught up in labels. Bipolar looks different for different people, and so do all the rest of the disorders. You need to find a way to live happily regardless of whatever disorder you might present. I was told by a therapist once that she doesn't treat disorders, she treats symptoms. That's what you need to focus on.

As for all the fights with your girlfriend, when me and my husband first moved in together we fought ALL THE TIME. This was before mine and his collective dx's. maybe you could try couples counseling as well as getting your own therapy.

I do understand your pain and I truly hope it gets better for you