[manic_me]

Ugh idk what to do. I know what I want to do. I know what I should do. I know what I can do. None of them are really the same. I want to talk to the Cali Kid, do my support group, work on my papers, download some music, maybe watch a movie and go to bed. I can do all of those things except one because one of those relies on an outside source, who I probably won't here from. In addition it.probably be without protest or a fight from the Gemini Kid. I could also just not do the support group, put the paper off until tomorrow and fall asleep watching a movie. I should at the very least do my papers and my group. These are the reasons people say there is just not enough time in a day.
In addition, I just over all don't feel good. My stomach feels like it is about to explode, I sort of have a headache, and my back is killing me. I don't know if I just lost track of time today, or really misjudged the time it takes to find and read research for a Poe paper, but that's about all I did today. Very discouraging. Nit feeling good doesn't exactly leave me feeling like writing an MLA annotated bibliography for Written Communications, or a case summary of Gen. Law.
I just have to look at the positives I guess, I have the readings completed, and I have a draft in my head for the assignments. Now all that I have left is the actual writing of the papers that aren't due until Friday. I'm not doing so bad right?
I am still hoping to develop a healthier schedule. I would love to shoot some hoops for a half hour in the morning before I do homework. I hope that at the least, it's the minimum required exercise one needs in a day, I hope to lose some weight and I hole it helps me sleep. From there I would want to do school work during the day. Saturday's from 12-2 I want to tan and just relax. Maybe do a social thing later in the day. Sunday I would love to just relax with Kinley, maybe do my nails. Seems simple enough but motivation is still something I am lacking.
Motivation mostly, again like losing track of time, struggling to bring myself to get out of bed, wanting sleep all day, but once darkness sets in my mind wants to run 100mph.
My uncle who has a psychiatrist through the local health department, is going to talk to him next week and see if he knows of anything someone who has no financial means of getting help, and no insurance or government assistance can get help. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I hear good news back. I am still willing to anything to make the bloody walls and the random chatter go away.
Yeah, the bloody walls and the gruesome nightmares still remain. The lack of organization to the racing, negative thoughts still remain as well. I am willing to do almost anything to make it go away. Simple tasks like writing a paper shouldn't be this difficult. And of course it's always is a ***** feeling sad, irritated, or having your heart pound like you just ran a mile and feeling like something exciting just happened for absolutely no reason. Having no idea where your own thoughts are coming from or why you feel the way you do.

You have a lot on your plate to do and I think most of us would be having difficulty just doing the dishes if we were feeling the way you do right now so don't be too hard on yourself. I do hope you can get some good news next week but if it gets too much, I'm certain you can be seen in an ER right now even if you don't have insurance. Please don't hesitate to go if you need to. Maybe for now, make a list of what you need to do and prioritize it then just go by that list, and don't feel like everything has to be done today, make part of it for tomorrow and part of it for Friday, or even for the weekend. So it doesn't feel so overwhelming. I hope this helps some.

[manic_me]

Thank you so much for the kind words =]. I did decide to write the paper. writing this kind of inspired me. And the ER is useless and because I am a cutter (although it has been quite awhile), they just want to put you on a hold and then let you go...That's why it is the almost anything =/. I do try and work on a to do list. It helps when my mind begins to race and I can't keep track of my thoughts, much less remember what it is I am supposed to/ have to do. I have to admit, lately it has been discouraging because I seem to not be able to complete the list, but I also try and take a lot of notes to sort of help remember the necessities, and try and clear some of the clutter in my mind. Lately I feel like I have about 30 people just yelling in my head at all times because of the amount of thoughts -_-. Prioritizing is super difficult because things that seem so important at 2am, and keeps me up for hours after due to how important it feels at the time, doesn't seem so important the next day. Also, with having to do my school work online because of my social anxiety, it makes it so that human interaction is limited making the depression a little worse, so I try to motivate myself to come on here every night and have not only a form of interaction, but a way to ramble and dump some of the thoughts and remind myself that I did SOMETHING at least. And it helps to have people who understand and have kind words and advice to help me through this.