[Lillyleaf]

For the longest time I was without meds, and I refuse to believe I was bipolar. Even with the mania psycosis, and the suicidal thoughts and ideations I refuse to believe it. I told myself I'm scizo, I'm depressed, I'm adhd, I'm DID, I'm anything BUT bipolar.

I was scared of the stigma...

Now, I'm on Limectal and at first I hated it. I hated how it made me feel, I hated what it took away from me. I hated how I couldn't think anymore, I hated no longer feeling like me.

Now, after being on it for a while I understand why I didn't stop. Every day for the last 5+ years my brain has been telling me "I want to die" over and over and over. Never had it stopped but on medication for the first time it's not telling me that. That thought is gone.
I still cycle and I'm still depressed but.. for the first time, I can see clearly.

For now I am going to stick with medication.

I still hate it, but as I learned at a TBI conference, Don't look to feel like your old self, make a new normal.

Lillyleaf

i really hope that the meds work for you

how long have you been diagnosed now?. or have you not yet

[kaliope]

it is really hard accepting a diagnosis and taking meds but there is something lifechanging about not having that little voice talking about death all the time. it is great that you have decided to stay on meds. I have made the same decision seeing the change it has made in my life. take care.

[Lillyleaf]

I've been DXed for around 6months now. And I've been on that one med for around 5 or 4 months I do believe. I tried Celexa, prozac, trazadone and a few others that I don't remember. All of them triggered mania and a bunch of other bad things. I've been in the mental health system for 5+ years though, with therapists and what not.

[Lillyleaf]

I'm bipolar 1 btw. If you were wondering.

it is nice to have you on the forums with us

i've not used this site in a long time (well, maybe log in from time to time to make a post) but now i'm hoping to use the forums as i used to

[Victoria'smom]

Welcome lillyleaf

[BipolaRNurse]

I had a hard time accepting my diagnosis and the idea of taking medications forever. In fact, I really didn't accept it until I started having brief periods of remission and got a taste of what 'normal' feels like....now it's like "I like it, I love it, I want some more of it", lol. And to stay that way, I have to be medicated. No two ways about it.

Yes, I still envy people who can manage this illness without meds, but for me, they're the right way to go.

[wildflowerchild25]

I must agree with you. I was totally against meds, especially because they never helped me as a teenager. I even managed my episodes on my own for six years so I reasoned I could not have bipolar. I never felt manic or even hypo. Now looking back I can remember times that were probably hypo and times hat were probably mixed and definite depressions. I fought meds and the dx for a few months until I had a full manic episode. This last manic episode was the worst and I feel I am no longer capable of living med free. I can't be hospitalized every two months with hallucinations and delusions. I can't suffer through debilitating depression and hope to keep my job. How many hospitalizations will they tolerate before they fire me at the end of the school year? Probably not many. I am super jealous of everyone who can manage without meds but for me, that's the way I have to go and will probably always have to go.

But at least I found something that works!