[Moose72]

I really do. Life seems good and bad. Visions of self harm. Gotta drive now.

[Moose72]

I have all of these pills. I take so many. Every day. Wow. So many....

Moose? Where you at?

[pegasus]

(((( Moose )))) Please be safe.

[Moose72]

Five fourty-five p.m. My left hand is shaking as I eat a bagel and type this with my right. (A side effect from the Topomax I was put on in the psych. hospital last November.) I'm very hungry all of the sudden. I went and dropped off my son at a friend's house. My thoughts are not good. I want to drive into traffic. At a light, I begin to inch in, closer, closer... I stop. At home, I had gotten into my pills. So many pills! Why do I take all these pills anyway? If I'm going to take them all, why not take them <i>all</i>?! My hand picks up the Ativan, and some Trazodone. "Hmm...." I think. "I have these for later." Seeing, my daughter, whose birthday is in a week, I think, "This will be the last birthday I will celebrate with her, and maybe I'll miss it." Am I getting manic? I felt like I was okay when I posted earlier, but maybe not. Maybe people are stressing me out. I see myself stabbing myself to death. Yes, intrusive thoughts. The light, the light! The sunlight is that Fall lighting that seeps into my brain and makes it bad. In fact, it was this week last year that my manic episode started. I want to die but my hair looks good. So I can't, right? Hahahaha... Well, that bagel went down nicely. So did the berry smoothie. Why should it matter? Why? Its just intrusive thoughts again. Cutting myself. Climbing over balconies. Stabbing myself. Shooting myself. Will the voices come? If they would, I would be entertained. Driving, I was thinking the usual driving rules and then thoughts about how many pills to take. What time? Its Friday night and a bad night to go to psych. ER. So don't. Don't even call. Just take the pills. Take them. Go on. You're such a chicken. That light outside. It calls to me. Calling my name. And ironic because it will eventually go dark.

[Moose72]

[pegasus]

No, don't take all the pills. Get the help you need. Please.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by pegasus

No, don't take all the pills. Get the help you need. Please.

Like what? I'm sitting with a friend in a coffee shop at the moment.

[~Christina]

Spend time with your friend and stop the intrusive thoughts .. Self grounding and distraction should be helpful.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Spend time with your friend and stop the intrusive thoughts .. Self grounding and distraction should be helpful.

I have been sitting here with him for over an hour now. The problem is my youngest is at home and it will get to be bedtime. He isn't alone, so that's not the problem. People will get mad at me and that won't help. But I need to be out right now.

[naejannej]

just do what you need to do to HELP you and dont worry about people being mad at you right now. if being with a friend is helping, then stay with that friend for as long as you need/can.

[Moose72]

I dunno. It was bad this morning. I don't see it just going away.????

[naejannej]

have you contacted your T or pdoc? if you dont think itll pass, maybe time for hospital? last resort but better safe than taking all those pills or driving into traffic

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by naejannej

have you contacted your T or pdoc? if you dont think itll pass, maybe time for hospital? last resort but better safe than taking all those pills or driving into traffic

No, my T and Pdoc are out of the office right now. There's always psych ER, but they usually talk me down or tell me to come in. Maybe I'll just take a FEW pills.... Of course, last time, I took a handful and it did nothing!

[naejannej]

Id try the psych ER, either being talked down or going in don't seem like bad options at this point. i wouldn't take any pills!

[Moose72]

I'm not with any pills at the restaurant.

[naejannej]

id just stay at that restauarant for as long as possible, see if anything changes. if nothing does and you hafta go, have your friend take you to the psych er? maybe you wont have to be admitted but it'd be better than going home to the pills if your situation hasnt changed?

[Moose72]

Maybe I'll just get tired and go to sleep?

[naejannej]

a good nights sleep would be ideal...think you can fall asleep though?

[Moose72]

Maybe. I've been a bit wound-up. But the sun is going down now.

[Moose72]

I have to leave now. My friend is taking his computer.

[naejannej]

aaaah. hope everything goes well for you. hugs!

[Mr. Radio]

I use to have intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself, cutting parts of my body, doing harm to family members. Sharp things would send me off and cause the triggers. I couldn't be around knives for a while. It's scary when you're not in control of what your mind thinks. Just remember that it will pass, the'll be better days, and you don't want to drive into that light.

It reminds me from a scene from the movie "Annie Hall" where Woody Allen meets Annie's brother who is played by Christopher Walken (one of my favorite actors) and he says something to Woody like "Do you ever just drive and look over at the lights in oncoming traffic and wonder what it would feel like to just swerve over and feel the impact."

Later on that night he has to drive them to the air port in the rain. Funny scene. Try youtube-ing it. Comedy always help, look for something you enjoy and can brighten your spirits. Stay away from substances and don't take pills. I say, have a grand day.

[Moose72]

I blogged again.

[Moose72]

Bipolar Hallucidations