[Choons]

I can't get it out of my head, doing drugs, stealing, and spending money frivolously. Now I can't live with myself I always strive to be straight arrow and I feel as though I've lost the trust of some people. I've never told anyone I'm bipolar except a select few. How do I live with myself?

I am attacked by shame, too. One approach i have heard about is to talk to yourself as you would to a friend. Also to remember that to err is human. I've been looking into the new 'self-compassion' movement. It's very comforting.

[Bipolartist]

I have serious guilt issues too and go through spells where I'm obsessed with the past and the "crazy" things I've done. I'm exploring some dissociation I got through with my therapist. The other day it was like a revelation when I thought, I'm trying to better myself and live like you said, "straight as an arrow." Then it seems the guilt comes flooding in and I think I could have always made this choice. But that truly is not the case when you don't even know what's going on.

Well, with dissociation it is truly as if being bipolar is having two different personalities. Just tell that your other personality, the negative one, the one that seems to do things just to cause yourself pain, tell "it" to shut the hell up!! Also, a lot of the things you do, like self-medicating with drugs, going on spending sprees, this can be a way of trying to escape that scary "voice" in your head. When you do look back at past mistakes, just tell yourself it was that other personality you might not have had full control over, but you do now have full control of and that is a huge success. Doing this really helps me live more in the moment, like I've finally got control of that other self and it is dying and fighting to bring me down by reminding me of the bad things it has done. But I recognize now that it has NO power over me. I refuse to let "it" upset me any more. I'm finally making peace with myself by doing this.

Oh, and when I say I'm exploring dissociation with my therapist, I mean we are exploring the existence of dissociation, not ways to induce it. I'm just suggesting that exploring it can help.

[tipper1492]

Dang right I do too. To start with I was a fighter in high school. Was never beat and broke my right hand four times doing high school. Even my middle knuckle sticks up higher and bigger than left hand. I did have a big football player, didn't like me, knocked me down in practice so hard my breath was knocked out. Never forgot that either. At the drop of a hate, any time, I was ready to go at it. Remember it was my BP. Even today, at age 63, there must be many people that remember it, and would bring it up. It truly is something I regret. I even brought on a fight to take place after school. Of course I feared what would happen. After all my right hand was in a cast up to my elbow. He was a white guy that live in black quarters. Soon after the fight started I some how got him down on the blacktop, and kicked him in the head a number of times. Later someone saw him and said he looked (head) very beat up. I was ashamed hearing that right then. I have thought about it a number of times knowing if he had died I would be in jail still. I was so STUPID! Then I smoked pot a lot, did acid couple of times, speed once, after high school, and was drunk during our first HS reunion with my best friend. He was always a sweet guy, but died maybe five yrs ago and I miss him. People in our small town of 25K must have know some of what I did. Now starting about 4 yrs ago I gave up everything including tobacco, pot, alcohol. After all that stuff messes up my medication. I stay mostly at home by myself, but wife and I go out to eat places. A bar most locals go to, including college students later in the night, I drank at until I gave it all up. Now mostly to eat with wife. I avoid the back bar with pool table, and tables, because the old locals are there and I just do not fit in with them. Sometimes they may say something I care not to hear where they never would five or six years ago. They knew back then I just would not put up with it. Now I fret over my stupid past.

[Bipolartist]

Originally Posted by tipper1492

Now I fret over my stupid past.

Don't fret! I really find your story fascinating and I'm sure others will learn from it and relate. I still drink in extreme moderation because if I have a little too much, I can't stop. I'll probably quit for good. I've gone years without even thinking about it. Then I started going to a bar and got wrapped up in bar bs, negativity, fights, etc. You have led quite a life. Your story inspires me!!

[lil_better_everyday]

Remember, you are not a bad person. You may have done "bad" things, but that does not make you a bad person. Everyone does things they wish they wouldn't have, those of us with bipolar especially, but that doesn't shape what kind of person you are.

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[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Choons

I can't get it out of my head, doing drugs, stealing, and spending money frivolously. Now I can't live with myself I always strive to be straight arrow and I feel as though I've lost the trust of some people. I've never told anyone I'm bipolar except a select few. How do I live with myself?

1) If you spent money frivolously, most likely that you will have the consequences - you will have to repay credit card debt. Or, not have savings. At any rate, you will or do already suffer negative consequences - you do not need to beat yourself up to get even MORE negative consequences, because not having money or paying high interest is negative enough. You do not need to add to the load of negative consequences that your spending caused.

2) If you stole from somebody, do you have a plan to repay them?

3) If you did drugs, you might have done damage to yourself but you did not damage or harm or hurt anybody else, according to your post, so this is as (1) above.

Feeling bad is sort of useless, but if you can repair the damage to others (from (2)), you will automatically feel better.