[BNLsMOM]

Hi Everyone! It's been a while since I posted.

I have been through so much this year and i thought I was doing so well. I even took a full time job, but I feel I am crashing and I am afraid that I might be getting sick again.

I feel like I might have to quit my job, but I don't know if I can get by if I do and what do I do in the future? I still get disability and child support, but the kids are getting older and I will eventually lose their benefits and child support.

I was doing so well that I was taken off meds. I will NEVER take them again no matter how sick I get! I would go back to ECT first.

Since January, I have gotten a divorce, a new job, sold a house, bought a condo, moved twice (had to stay with family while I was waiting for condo to be ready) and I have been doing the single mom thing. I am feeling like working is too much for me and I need to make a decision on whether or not to stay before my SSDI runs out in February.

I don't know what to do, but I feel myself slipping and some of the negative self talk is coming back, and wishing for accidents to happen so that I don't have to go to work anymore. I feel completely disconnected from my children with working 8 hours and commuting two hours every day. I want to be at home and figure out how to run a health coaching business. I did a year of health coach training and had to put that all aside when the marriage fell apart. The jerk was having affairs online and doing illegal things like soliciting prostitutes and driving them to appointments and holding their money in exchange for pay and favors. I couldn't put up with that.

Anyway, I hope that I am still welcome here and I will try to give my support to others when I have time to log in.

[ozzy1313]

Welcome back- sounds like you lead a very busy life

[Trippin2.0]

Of course I remember you!!


Welcome back


So glad you went ahead with the divorce, you've made such huge positive strides toward a happy and healthy life. I'm sooo proud of you


Work can get overwhelming and destabilize us in the blink of an eye. Have you considered part time employment?


It's what im looking into, either a half day position or a flexi time one. But for now I'm healthy enough to continue working fulltime, even though it wasn't part of the plan.


It's really good to have you back

[~Christina]

Welcome back

I am thrilled that you got through all that hellish mess! Be damn proud of yourself. I wish you were swinging by to just say high and not having some problems pop up

It's really good that you are catching them early, before you were waist deep in it. I hope life will settle back down for you and you are able to focus on what you want to do and make it a reality.

Do whatever you need to do to get stable and enjoy your life

[BNLsMOM]

Thanks! I don't mean to come around only when i have a problem... I am just so darn busy.

The trouble with part time employment is that I am having a hard time finding something where I wouldn't make too much money and then lose my benefits. It would be too much to keep the SSDI but not enough to get by on.

I do have a work at home job chatting for my nutrition school but I haven't been signing up for hours and now that I have triggered my 9 month trial work period, I think that even if I have part time employment it triggers some kind of trial period with SSDI. After the 9 months are over, I would then have 36 more months where I can make up to a certain amount and then after that i think the benefits stop. It is all very confusing and I am going to ask my T to help me figure it all out.

It's very ironic. I need to take to my T, but he hasn't had any appointments available after work, but that is exactly what I need to talk about. I just have to wait until our scheduled appointment next week. I have called twice to try to get an earlier appointment.

There is a difference in my symptoms now. I used to NEVER cry no matter how depressed I was. Now I cry at everything, and it can hit me very suddenly, like in line to buy a phone charger. I get in my car after work and cry half way home until I stop myself because I have to pick up the kids and I don't want to be all red and puffy by the time I get them.

I thought I was all set and that ECT "cured" me. I know there is no cure, but I really thought I had this thing beat. I felt like I had a future, but now I feel like I am screwed. Even if I can make ends meet now, I will have nothing for the future once my kids are older and I lose their child support and SSDI benefit. That is a huge chunk of money, like half of what I would bring in with everything.

[Victoria'smom]

Yes I remember you. I'm sorry all that stuff happened and that you're falling into depression. Can you take an early or late lunch to see your therapist?

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time in your life. That is so much for a person to handle in the amount of time and what you've had to endure.

I'm not surprised, given the circumstances, that you have negative self talk. A lot of people would. It's hard to compose ourselves in front of our kids and if that's your mechanism you need an outlet somewhere else. I think figuring out a health coaching business could be very good for you, when you're in a position and able to investigate it further.

Try, just for now, to stay grounded in the moment. Your getting overwhelmed right now contemplating the future. Get better first.

Be well.

[BNLsMOM]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I just need to hold out until my appointment Wednesday. I was feeling better yesterday, but now that it is Sunday night I am feeling nervous and sad about having to work tomorrow. A lunch appointment wouldn't work because I have only 30 minutes, and my T's office is about 20 minutes away from the office. I am new to the job and they know nothing about my bipolar or disability and I don't have enough time to take off for an appointment. I haven't accrued much sick time and I want to use it when I really need it.

For someone without a disability, this job would be perfect. The work itself is fairly low stress, but it is just being there and having to live up to an expectation, and being so far away from my kids and home for 10 hours a day is too much.